Peace

The heat in the car was basting, like slipping into an oven.  Usually it doesn’t bother me; I just worry about the boys who don’t complain.  But today it is just one more thing to grate on my nerves.  Apparently I become a real bitch when I’m dehydrated.  I’m trying to keep inside and not bite off the head of one of the boys.

It took a half an hour to clean up the Legos.  It took another ten minutes to convince Evan he had to wear shoes.  ANY shoes.  I’m keeping the house at a warm 81 to save money.  Crap, when is the electric bill do?  Did the husband pay the other house’s electric bill?  When are the other bills due?  When was the last time I saw a gas bill?  Or the phone bill?  I know the water isn’t due until next week.  I should have checked to see if we got the paycheck deposited.

Why? Because we’re going to Papi and Grandma’s.  Because we’re going swimming and eating dinner.  I don’t care if you want to stay here.  Like I told your dad that decision has to be made earlier so Mommy can prepare a meal.  Because we have to eat.  Because we get hungry.  Listen we’re going.  Mommy needs to go swimming.

The house is still a mess of newspaper and bills and junk mail.  The office is even worse.  Why can’t I ever file anything?  Why can’t the husband put up his shoes?  How hard is that?  Is this really the right time for a baby?  The business seems to be picking up.  We haven’t fought in a while.  If I got a book about how to handle teenagers, will that help?  What if I’m making a terrible decision?  Why didn’t I get us to Mass the other day?  When will this light turn green?

Sean.  Sean.  I see.  A book.  A pink book.  A yellow flower.  Yes, an orange towel.  Good job.

Why does even THAT grate on my nerves?  I must be set on bitch.  Just turn on the music a little louder.  Great.  Their CD.  Why did I even think this was a good idea to share the CD player?  Should we bring music with us?  I still need to get snacks, treats, and earphones.  Will we have some extra cash for another DVD player?  Or can we share?  Where are our seats on the plane?  Did the husband book the hotel yet?  I guess we can always sleep in the car.  No, we can’t because it’ll be a little car, not the SUV.  God, Evan needs a booster seat.

Come on.  Go knock on the door.  Knock louder. 

Damn, I forgot the camera.  Why can’t they knock louder?  Why am I bringing so much junk?  It’s f-ing hot.

Yes.  We’re going swimming.  Ok, FINE.  Mommy. Is. Going.  Swimming.

Stupid suit.  Stupid kids.  I need this.

Then I dive.  The world changes.  I’m surrounded by coolness, by silence, by peace.  I feel the weight of the world lift as the weight of the water presses down on me.  I feel the pull to come up, but I refuse, enjoying the pure bliss of being alone.  I push off the floor, breaking the water. With a gasp and a pull, I was off. 

Pull, breathe, kick, glide.  Pull, breathe, kick, glide.  Pull, breathe, kick, glide.  Pull, kick, breathe, glide.  Everything will work out.  Pull, breathe, kick, glide.  Pull, breathe, kick, glide.  Everything will be all right.  Pull, breathe, kick, glide.  Pull, breathe, kick, glide.  Pull, breathe, kick, glide.  Pull, breathe, kick, glide.  Why did I ever stop swimming?  Pull, breathe, kick, glide.  Pull, breathe, kick, glide.  Pull, breathe, kick, glide.  Everything is right in the world.  Pull, breathe, kick, glide.

After a while, I stopped, exhausted to watch the boys learn to swim. 

Mama.  Mama.

Here, Sean.  Kick.  Kick.  Kick.