Just a little thing

It started out with a tiny scratch.  No, it started out with accidental scratching off of a small pimple.  (I won’t admit how long ago I did that.)  Before it could heal, I would scratch my forehead and take off the scab.  Over and over and f-ing over again.  If it wasn’t me, then it was Aidan’s sharp finger nails.  But the thing never healed.  And when it finally did, it was red, dry, and flaky.  But it was just a little thing.  So I waited for insurance troubles to settle down.  And I waited to ask around for a good doctor.  And I waited for a good time to make the appointment so I had child care.

The doctor zoomed in, not because she was late but because she was a tornado like the boys and I.  She scanned the paperwork, not yet in the computer.

Doctor: You’ve had skin cancer?

Me: Yes.

Doctor: Where?

Me: On my back.

Doctor: And how old were you?

Me: 28.

Doctor: And when was the last time you saw a dermatologist?

Me: It’s been a while.

I said it as though I was in the confessional.

Doctor: 28 is awfully young.  And you are awfully pale.  And you’re tan. (Really?  How does she know?  I only turn a darker shade of white)  Do you wear sunscreen?  On your whole body?  (I shook my head)  You need to start wearing it.  50spf.  Every day.  Rain or shine.  And you need to start wearing a hat.  Every day.  No matter where.  (She looked at my pale eyes.  I think they were green that day.)  And you should wear sunglasses.  That’s not my specialty, but here in the desert, with pale eyes, you need to wear sunglasses.  And you need to invest in sunproof clothing.  I need to see you every year, at least once a year.  Next time, there better not be a tan line on you.  (What tan line?!  Oh, my flip-flop tan line.)  Now let’s look at that forehead.  (She turned on the light and stared and made a concern noise.)  I’ll need to remove a little  (Duh.)  But.  Um.  It doesn’t look like much.  But.  Um.  Hmm.  My gut is telling me it’s precancer.

Me:  Um.  Hmm.  My gut is telling me it’s cancer.  Both parents, all grandparents.  It was never a question of if.  It was a question of when.

I smiled.

The doctor looked shocked.  I guess she never met a fatalist as young as I.

She blistered my ears as she removed a small piece to send to the lab. I had five business days to wait.  I made my appointment for six months because if I get a clean bill then, I can go once a year; if not, then it’s every six months.

I got to my parents’ house to pick up the boys or more to the truth to stay and eat lunch and go swimming after the heat of the day was done.  My mother blistered my ears.  As I knew she would.

After I related the story to a friend, there was a pause on the other end.  “Have you told Wally?”  No.  “And the doctor scolded you?”  Yes.  “And your mother scolded you?”  Yes.  “Then I’ll let Wally scold you and won’t worry until next week.”  Don’t worry; it’s just skin cancer.

It’s just a little thing.

Wally: Huh.  And he said he would give way to me?

Me: Yes.

Wally: Huh.  Well, two things. One, I know you.  You’re just like me.  No one has said anything that you haven’t already said in your head to yourself.  Worse, you’ve said worse.  No one needs to scold you or punish you or whip you; you’ve done it already and better than they would have.  So, my first thing is lighten up.  Which brings me to two.  Of course, you didn’t go sooner.  You’re life has been shattered, and you have been picking up the pieces.  It’s like being on the Titanic and the ship is taking on water and all hell is breaking loose.  And then someone tells you the cook has the flu.  If got bigger or worse, you would have seen a doctor sooner.

It wasn’t five business days.  It was five days.  A weekend in between.  I missed the call at home.  As I cooked dinner, my cell phone rang.  It was a number I didn’t recognize.  It was after 5, so it must be a friend, who could wait as I stir fried the beef.  I listened to the answer machine after dinner and then to my voice mail.  The doctor.  Herself.  Twice.  Once after hours.

It’s just a little thing?

I called first thing in the morning.  Well, first thing, when the office opened.  She called back within fifteen minutes.  Ah, crap.  Basal cell.  Duh.  Surgery.  They will cut it, examine it, and won’t sew me up until they know if they have everything.  Luckily one of the best surgeons in the country worked there.  And in a month, I would have several hours away from the boys but on Valium.  I hate Valium.

I texted back and forth with a friend with long pauses in between while we dealt with our kids.  Finally I texted: Not too bad.  Boys are good.  Got lab results back.  Skin cancer.  Suck.

I received a text back.  Fae.  It’s S. K left her phone.  I’m so sorry.  Let us know what we can do to help.  Will have K call you.

Text back:  Thanks S.  It’s just a little thing.

Apparently K got chewed out by her husband for leaving her phone.

K: If there is anything I can do, let me know.  I can watch the boys.

No worries.  It’s just a little thing.

Shoes

Last week, it was determined the boys could not wait a moment longer for shoes.  Not a moment longer.  And hell, if that’s what we wanted to do for the evening instead of something fun, like tear apart the house, who was I to get in the way.

But I have a condition.  Good shoes.  No crappy shoes.  Evan wore through two pairs of Target shoes before he could out grow them.  We didn’t save a dime buying crappy shoes.  Aidan is learning to walk.  Our first pediatrician was insistent that we get good shoes for a toddling Evan.  “He only has one set of feet.”

My plan was to go up to the outlet mall an hour and half a way and make a day of it.  But since we needed to get shoes today.  Off we ran.

Only to find out the buy one get the one half off sale starts “tomorrow.”

Twenty minutes of driving for nothing.

But my boys had found the Star Wars shoes.  Sean had fallen in love with the Darth Vadar shoes.  Designed like the helmet that lit up at the eyes and corner of the “mouthpiece.”  They were on clearance.  In certain sizes.

Oh, Lord, please don’t let me have to break his heart.

But he fit in them.  And danced in them.  And stomped in them.  All the world was a happy place.

And the next day, Evan stomped, danced, kicked, jumped in his Captain Rex clone shoes.

And Aidan.

Watching Aidan was like watching someone rollerskate for the first time.

He never cried when he fell.  He just picked himself up and toddled again as best he could in shoes.

Sorry, buddy.  We should’ve bought you shoes a long time ago.

Lucky

They were Bowsers today.  Evan was a sliding Bowser.  Sean was a hop-hop Bowser.  Obviously Aidan was a climb-out-of-the-cart-and-land-head-first Bowser.  At least he was trying to be.  As the hero, I foiled his plans one after another by sitting him back into a sitting position with a firm “no.”  This is the reason why I don’t slide three feet to a stop, I don’t ride the shopping cart, I don’t spin the cantaloupe on my fingers or toss things over my shoulder in the basket; I don’t want to give the boys any ideas.  Parenting is such a joykill.

As Evan slid and twirled around people and Sean hop-hop-hopping, having people hop out of his way, I hummed No Doubt’s “Underneath it all,” reminding me that they are lovely and I’m really lucky.  At least it was drowning out . . . oh God it’s Britney Spears.  How many things left on the list?

One.

I stood in the cereal aisle, trying to do math, debating if the four for ten and free milk was really cheaper than the generic brand and paying for milk.  All the while, I kept an eye on the boys telling them to move out of the way and we are not getting that cereal or that one and no, Aidan, sit down.

Older gentleman: Three boys?

Me: (smiling.  Please don’t scold me; I’m doing the best I can) Yes.

Older gentleman: (smiling) They are quite a handful.  You’re very lucky.

Me: Yes, they are. (a chuckle) And yes, I am.

Older gentleman: We had five boys.  All of them a year apart.  Except the baby.  He was two years apart.

Me: Wow.

Older gentleman: Once there were so many of them in diapers.  (chuckle)  I had a wonderful wife, and she stayed home, and I worked.  She was amazing. There were years when the refrigerator light was never off.

Me: It must have been a busy, full household.

Older gentleman: It was.  Enjoy them.  They are blessings.  And you are lucky.

We looked over to watch my boys dancing to music they could only here.

Yes, I am.  All they’ve got is me and somehow I’m full of forgiveness and I guess this really was meant to be.

Me: Thank you.