Tonight I was going to type up and post the new craft we did. Tonight I was going to email a pen pal I owed a letter. Tonight I was going to return a Facebook message that is a week overdue. Tonight I was going to catch up reading on a bunch of blogs, maybe even work on writing. Tonight I had goals.
But as I read a post mentioning midlife crisises and life sucking but having friends, my breath came out ragged. I sat there, breathing. Hearing it catch. Not being able to take a full breath. In. One. Two. Three. Out. One. Two. Three. In. And then the worst happened, tears started to form in my eyes. And that solidness, like a gong, like a thud, like understanding, filled me. I was scared. Terrified. Scared out of my f-ing mind. And I kind of have the right to be.
So now I take off my armor. The one that keeps me fighting, standing, guarding. The one that keeps me smiling, doing, moving, being. The one that kept me from running off. The one that kept me living. The one that makes me strong enough to be a good mother, even if I want to run away, curl up in a ball and talk to no one. I can take it off because they are sleeping. And I can take it off here because this is the space for it, right?
I’m scared. And I wonder how I could have chosen so wrongly. I know what my family and friends would say to that. I know what he would say to that. But I don’t care because the fact is if I had chosen wisely, I wouldn’t be here now. Scared. Alone. Scared. I can handle alone. Right now, at this moment, I can’t handle fear.
I’m scared of going into battle. I don’t want to. I’m the pacifist, the diplomat, the peace-maker, as my dad would say. I don’t like fighting. But I know I will fight if I have to, and I will fight hard and strong. And I’m terrified about losing. Because I’m not fighting for me or my pride or for vengeance, I’m fighting for what’s best for my boys. I’ll do anything to give them a chance to be The Good Guys. And I already messed up. Because if I had chosen wisely, we wouldn’t be here.
I’m scared of all the pitfalls and traps that could be out there. I have to face the facts of a good plan gone to hell. I have to read statistics that make me nervous. I can see dreams disappearing, hopes being dashed. It’s a dark, scary world out there.
I know the worst won’t be as bad as I fear. I know I’m loved, and I have some great people in my corner. I know whatever happens I’ll make the best out of it. But that doesn’t stop the fear.
All I can do is acknowledge this. Accept it. Know that it’s there. Because tomorrow I’ll strap on my armor and get back to what I do best. By the time you read this, I’ll be already battling, already moving, already going, and this will just be a dream.