“Do you want us to call the police?”
Said the campus safety officer.
Really? The police? Over dumping 22 packets of red Kool Aide in a water fountain? My dad is going to kill me. For being caught. I wonder if an arrest will have me thrown out of college. Then my mom kill me.
Glitterboy: No. I swear my hands are pink from getting cotton candy for Disneyland. We were just walking and talking because I’m leaving for study abroad this week.
The Officer: We passed the fountain, and it was clear. We pass the fountain again, and it was red. You are the only two in the vascinity. We can call the police instead of dealing it on the campus. There are laws on vandalism.
We exchanged looks. We’re the good kids, bored without a car. It was my idea. I could still get us out.
Glitterboy: Fine. We poured Kool Aide in it.
This is why I should do all the talking. My best friend is not as smart as he looks. He also isn’t that great at lying. Things I should have taken into account before we did this plan. But how was I suppose to know that he was going to get the Kool Aide on his hands and then try to wash it off in the fountain. Boys.
Me: It was my idea. It was 22 packets of Fruit Punch Kool Aide. The chloriene tablets will eat it in a day or two. It’s not really vandalism if it’s not perminant.
The officer shot me a dirty look. Sorry, dude. You’re not a real cop. I’ve been around those since before I could walk. You don’t intimidate me, Rent-a-Cop.
The Officer: I’m writing you up. Tomorrow is Monday, so the Dean of Students will want to talk to you then.
He wrote down our information, handed back our IDs. We salked backed to his mom’s car, where she was waiting for us, since he was staying with her before he left for Tanzania.
His Mom: Where have you been? It’s been almost an hour!
Me: It’s my fault. Mrs. J. We got caught putting Kool Aide in the fountain.
His Mom: What!? You did what?
Glitterboy: We have a hearing tomorrow with the dean. They threatened to pull my study abroad.
His Mom: They won’t do that. Faemom, it was your idea?
Me: Yes, ma’am.
His Mom: Explain.
Me: Well, the bubble bath thing is getting old. Everyone does it. But we did have a stroke of genius when we used grape flavor bubble bath. Then when we tried food dye, it turns out you need a LOT of food dye, not just two packets. With my partner in crime leaving in a couple of days, we needed to do SOMETHING to celebrate. So I came up with trying to dye the fountain red. I’m not nearly as good as Glitterboy when it comes to math so I guesstimated the amount of Kool Aide I needed for the fountain. I decided on 21 plus one for luck. But I doubt it was enough to do more than make it slightly pink by tomorrow. I just didn’t calculate a better escape route. Or the fact Glitterboy would put his hand in the water.
His Mom: You put your hand in the water?
Glitterboy: I got some on my hand. I had to get it off.
His Mom: (rolls her eyes) Glitterboy, we’ll talk more about this at home. Faemom, your punishment is to call your dad and tell him how you got caught.
Crap. Amazingly my best friend and I came from the same town, from the same side of the town. Only he was raised a bit south, and we didn’t do the same extra-curricular activities to run into one another in high school. But his mom used to work for the courts and knew every police officer. Every one knew my dad. He’s pranks were legendary.
So the next day as we sat in an impromptu judicial meeting to determine our fate, which turned out to be against the college rules as they didn’t bother to bring in a student for the third chair. They tried to grill us, intimidate us, humiliate us.
Glitterboy took the pleading I’m-so-sorry-I-don’t-know-what-I-was-thinking-this-is-my-first-offense-don’t-take-away-Africa-or-my-full-academic-scholarship-remember-how-I-was-head-of-student-religious-affairs-last-year-I’m-so-sorry route.
I played the rebel without a cause. “Yes, of course, I knew that was a pump and not a filter. But you have five chlorine tablets in there. No, it wouldn’t do any damage. I made sure of it. I only used enough packets for a light tinge that would go away in a few days. I admit it was in poor taste. I should have that it through. Of course, it was my first offense. Yes, it was setting the bar a little high. No, I don’t know who would put bubbles in the fountain. I agree it is childish. Well, of course, I’m a good student. Go ask the Dean of the Chapel. I’m his student assistant next semester. Hey, isn’t he ahead of you in the power pyramid? I could have sworn I saw something like that. Should I ask the Dean of the Law School for a character testimony? I work for him you know.”
In the end, we had to split the cleaning bill of $240, which I felt was a little too high, and we were both put on academic probation. We also had to write an apology letter. Glitterboy’s was pretty sappy. As I turned mine in to the administrative assistant, I asked the grandmotherly-looking woman if this would appear on The Permanent Record.
Grandma Admin: Heavens no, dear. The Dean would like me to keep these things forever, but we would run out of room. I throw everything out in three years. Keep your nose clean, dear. There’s nothing wrong with a little fun, but you don’t want to be kicked out.
Me: Yes, ma’am.
Grandma Admin: Run along. Here before you go, take a piece of chocolate. I hope this is the last time I see you in here (looks down at my name on my letter), Miss Faemom.
Me: Yes, ma’am.
Of course, no one ever proved who made the exit signs blink code in the parking garage, who changed all the voice mail messages of the departments, who plastered the business building with flyers protesting the FTAA. Or who put the red collar with a bell on the school mascot statue with a sign calling it the school’s pussy.
