That Could Be Worse

It all started out at 5.  In the morning.  God, couldn’t they just outlaw those?  Apparently the Ex forgot to close the blinds the night before when he watched the kids while I went out with friends.  Sure, it was an accident, but in my head the discussion was this is why I never should go out.

So Evan and Sean were up and awake and in action at 5am.  But not for long.  Because Sean started to complain about a pain in his leg.  “It’s just a growing pain.  Go back to sleep!”  But he cried and whined and moaned and yelled and cried.  It was serious enough that I dragged my tired self out of bed and gave him pain medication.  I picked him up and put him into bed at 6am.

Now Evan was jumping around my bed, but thirty minutes later he snuggled against me and fell back to sleep, where I tried to follow him.

But I was startled by a toddler face next to mine.  “You awake?  Want juice!  Peeeeassse!”  I tried to ignore him.  “Juice!  Mommy!  Juice!”  So I went down stairs and gave him some juice.  I started back the stairs.  But Aidan said, “Stay downstairs!  Mommy!  Play!  Stay downstairs and play!”  Well, with no one else up, I stayed and played and started making breakfast.

But then Evan came down and threw up an apple.  When did he eat an apple?  Of course, when he was awake at 5am.  What’s the point of making breakfast if my breakfast eater can’t eat?  So I gave him oyster crackers, and Aidan asked for some too.

By this time, Sean was awake and crying in pain.  I rubbed his leg, and he cried more.  I stretched his leg, and he cried more.  After consulting the Internet and learning growing pains are a myth (Awesome), I called my parents to ask if I could borrow a heating pad and could they bring it over please, pretty please.  Of course, it’s for their grandson.

While I waited I realized we might be bound to the house, so I stripped off Aidan’s diaper and placed him on the pot.  Potty training day!  I put on some Star Wars Clone Wars to help Sean take his mind off his pain, to keep Evan glued to one spot as I checked to see how “sick” he was, and to keep Aidan on the pot.  I heated a towel for Sean to place on his leg.  Welcome to DVD Day!

Soon we had a heating pad and a quick, cheerful visit from Grandma.  Back to the crying, moaning, whining, and – what’s that sound?  Water hitting tile?  I’ll give them this, boys peeing naked on accident is hilarious to watch.

For the second time that day, I was thankful for tile floors.

Because Sean’s leg still felt horrible, I gave him a little more pain medication and realized that wasn’t helping at all.  So I begged for help on Facebook, where a friend suggested a hot tub.  I do not have a hot tub or access to one, but I have a bath and a water heater.  I ran a hot bath for Sean and placed him in it.  He stopped complaining, crying, whining, and moaning.  It worked.

About then the Ex made his appearance and settled himself on the couch where he stayed until dinner.  Apparently he was feeling crappy too.

So lunch was upon us, and I made lunch for the boys.  I consoled my misery and boredom with left overs from the night before.  I placed Aidan in bed.  He fell asleep promptly.  Amazingly.  I fell asleep promptly too when I tried to read an article on my phone.

Two hours later the older boys are watching cartoons.  The Ex and Aidan were still sleeping.  I tried to study.  Then Aidan was up, and I put on a movie for the boys.  Aidan kept using the potty.  The Ex woke up and hung out from his couch.  I cleaned here and there, trying to find something to do, but Sean’s whining always brought me to his side.  It never got as bad as it did in the morning.

Around dinner, the Ex announced he’ll get us food and then go.  Um, thanks?  The boys and I ate dinner.  Before we watched another movie, Aidan tried pooping on the potty.  Which didn’t work well.  For the third time that day, I was thankful for tile floors.

It could’ve been worse.  Evan never threw up again.  Sean’s “growing pain” did turn into a dull ache.  Aidan made it to the bathroom more times than not.  But I wouldn’t want to repeat that day.  At least, not for a long, long while.

Teaching at the Museum

Every Sunday during summer, the Children’s Museum has Science Sundays.  It’s $2 admission.  I get to entertain and educate the boys while keeping my house relatively clean for 8 bucks.  (Relative to how messy we left the house before going to church.)  The museum is small, but I have learned to stand in the corner and let them do their thing.  One area could take an hour, like the grocery store, and so we quickly fill our two hours before heading back for Aidan’s nap.

I prefer the rooms with building different types of tunnels or ball runs or rollercoasters or the room where you can write with light.  That way I get to play.  Though last weekend, I was drafted to play cashier at the grocery store.  Those years working for Home Depot as a cashier are really paying off.

There is an ocean area with a mural and fake coral growing up from the floor to the ceiling with boxes to show the innards of certain animals.  The big boys gravitate to the big pile of ocean puppets.

Last Sunday, Evan used the puppets to teach the younger children about the food chain.

Evan: And here is an octopus!

He wiggled the octopus on his right hand.

Evan: And here is a clownfish!

Evan wiggled the clownfish on his left hand.

Evan: And the octopus eats the clownfish!

The octopus seized the clownfish and attempted to eat it whole.

A little boy: It’s eating Nemo!

Evan: Yes, octopuses do that.

A mother looked at me.  I shrugged.

Me: It’s actually “octopi.”  But both forms can be used correctly.

My boy and I are going to be great teachers.

Another Sentence I Didn’t Think I would say

There are lots of sentences that I say that never occurred to me that I would say.  I witness events or actions that seemed impossible to take place.  And yet it all happens.  It’s part of parenthood.

Take Friday.  As I open the garage door and looked behind me to watch Evan and Sean sharing a toilet and Evan resting his elbow on Sean’s head.

Me: Keep your hands off your brother and on your penis!

Yes.  I had to say it.  Why did I have to say it?  Why would I ever have to say it?  Shouldn’t he already have known to not touch people when peeing?  To hold on and aim?

I was so underprepared for motherhood.

Pool vs Bathroom

I had to get out of the pool.

Sean: Mommy!  Where are you going?!

Me: I have to go to the bathroom.

The boys just looked at me.

Me: Because I don’t pee in the pool.  Like some people.

Evan and Sean started giggling like the little mad men that they are.  Aidan joined in.  Just as I thought.

Me: You shouldn’t pee in the pool.  It’s gross.  Very, very gross.

I spit that pool water out like a fountain.  (Last summer: Wally: God, are you like ten?  Me: {spitting again.}  Maybe.  It’s possible.  Wally: How do you do that?  Me: {spitting again} Practice.  Come on; you did water polo; you lived in California; you had to be the pool all the time.  Like me.  Wally: I didn’t learn to do that.  Me: {spitting again} That’s too bad.  {I did a somersault.}  Can you do this?  {I cupped water and shot it out of my hand.}  Wally: {in a jealous tone)}No!  Evan: Mommy is awesome!)

The boys kept giggling.  Evan had a devious look on his face.  Damn.  It must have been recently.

My Dad: Boys, you better be careful.  You pee in a pool too often, and your winky will turn purple.

Winky?  Winky?  Really?  Dad, come on.  Penis.  It’s a penis.

I raised an eyebrow.  My dad shot me a look.  I kept my mouth shut.

Evan and Sean: Really?

My Dad: (like a sage) Yes.

Evan: COOL!

Yeah.  That’s my boy.

The First Day of Summer

They were up at 6.  And I begged them to play quietly for a while.  Even though the toddler kept screaming, “JUICE!!!!” at the bottom of the stairs.

Then I told them to get ready, and we will go out to breakfast.  In the middle of the dash, I realized that I had several McDonald’s gift cards, and I thought Egg McMuffins might be slightly healthier than doughnuts.

To McDonald’s!  To the one that has a play area that includes toddlers!  So we got Egg McMuffins and hash browns and those cinnamon thingies and orange juice and chocolate milk.  Um, when did they take that apple-grape-walnut thing off the menu?  I miss that.  So the boys played and ate.  We hung out.  And it was awesome.

To the next stop!  We went to the mall before it opened!  I wanted to check out if it was a good option for walking in the summer.  The boys yelped and ran ahead, chasing each other, racing each other, making a loud commotion as kids often do.  I’m going to assume it didn’t bother the other walkers.

Then I let them run around in the kid playground in the mall, where they made fast new friends to play a great game of tag.  Aidan took me to all the little climbing things to show me how he can master them all.  Most of them without help.  The only thing was kind of awesome.

Then we had a snack of fruit leathers and juice and water before we ran off again.  The boys wanted something less healthy, but I had an awesome plan.

So we climbed in the car and raced off to the next stop.  The library!  We signed up for the reading program.  As we walked by a display, the boys each grabbed a book that intrigued them.  They all helped with check out AND kept the volume around  an acceptable indoor, first day of summer roar.

Now the plan was to go to the bigger dollar store if we had time.  And it would push it, but my mom wanted to go to the dollar store with us, which means to go to the smaller one.  Fine.  So we picked her up.  On the way, Evan read to Aidan the book Aidan picked out.  It was sweet.

To the dollar store!  For summer supplies!  Mainly supplies for fine motor skill activities for Sean.  But I let the boys all pick out one thing for fun, and I found crystal growing kits.  Not to be outdone by the toys, I picked up a water ball sling shot to match the boys’ water weapons.  This is going to be awesome!

Lunch!  I’ve been planning lunch for like two weeks.  But my mom modified the plan.  “Fae, they need something a little more to stick to their stomachs.”  Fine.  To the 50′s diner!  Where I informed the boys that they may have whatever ice cream treat they wanted for lunch.  Sean got a chocolate milk shake.  Evan got a junior hot fudge sundae.  Aidan got a mini chocolate sundae.  My mom got a chocolate milk shake.  I ordered the same thing Evan had and took the other half of Sean’s milk shake.  For substance, we ordered chicken tenders, fries, and mini chimis.  The boys were so surprised they were allowed to have ice cream for lunch.  It was awesome!

Then nap.  That too was awesome.  The older boys rested and then played video games without fighting.

Then Sean opened up his birthday gifts from his party the night before.  The theme of the gifts was crafts and things to do.  And Sean thought that was awesome.

Then it was to grandma’s house for tie-dying.  Which became problematic because my mom hadn’t washed her shirts, and then she refused to wash just two shirts in the quick cycle.  Mothers.  But we all got ready to go swimming and prepped the craft.  Then we tie-dyed!  It was awesome.  Even with the worry we might run out of dye.

Into the pool!  I actually swam.  The boys played.  I tossed Aidan around.  God, I love swimming.

Then back home for a later than usual dinner of fish tacos.  I meant to do s’mores or a movie or something, but by then we ran out of interest and steam.  But dinner was still awesome.

It was an awesome day.

Until I told my dad about it.

“So what you’re saying is the rest of the summer is all down hill from here.”

No- I can- Still – it was.

Crap.

He might be right.

My Passenger

The other day I had to drive across town to drop off some paperwork at the school district.  Our city is sprawling without a freeway system.  (Don’t get me started on that cluster-.)  It can be a drive.  Aidan was sitting in the back, playing with toys and chatting with me.

Aidan: Snack, Mommy?

Me: You had a snack.

Aidan: Bread, Mommy?

Me: No, we don’t need to go to the bakery.

Aidan: Prezzle, Mommy?

We just passed a bakery that was known for pretzels.

Me: Not today, Aidan.

Aidan: Sushi, Mommy?

As we passed a sushi joint.

Me: Nope.  Not today.

Aidan: Lunch, Mommy?

Me: It’s still early morning, sweetheart.  Lunch is a while away.

We were approached a traffic light.

Aidan: Stay green!  Stay green!  Stay green!  Stay green!

Oh God, what am I teaching my son?  I better check my road rage.  And hard.

We sailed through the green light.

Aidan: YEA!!!

In case you’re wondering, he repeated this with every light.  That’s a lot of traffic lights.

Then we arrived at the district.

Aidan: Mommy!  We go up the snake?!

He pointed to the spiral staircase.

As it happens, we did have to go up the spiral staircase.  When we left the office, he was excited to leave.

Aidan: Mommy!  We go down the snake?!

Me: Yes!  Hold on to the rail.

When we got down to the bottom floor, Aidan looked at me.

Aidan: Mommy!  We go up the snake?!

Me: No, it’s time to go.

Aidan: NO!!!

He tried to run up the stairs, but I scooped him up and threw him over my shoulder.

Aidan: Not a sack of potatas!  Mommy!  I not!  A sack of potatas!

So I put him on my hip and kissed him.

Me: No, you’re not.  You’re my Aidan.  And I love you.

Aidan hugged me tight.

Aidan: I love you!

My Second Tornado is Six. Or where is the time going?

My middle child, my second boy, my cream of my Oreo cookie turned six Saturday.  What can I tell you about my boy?

1. He’s created his own world.  The Nine-Nine world.  It’s an amazing place with Nine-Nine Dragons and Nine-Nine Sharks.  And the biggest, meanest, most evil in the Nine-Nine Emperor Dragon.  Of course, it’s a world of bad guys.  But I think of it like bad guys with souls.  Or rather I’m hoping they are misunderstood creatures framed in the villain role.

2. Yes, he’s still obsessed with villains.  Hoping to start loosening that obsession, we showed him Pirates of the Caribbean.  Jack Sparrow is a like a villain and like a good guy.  Nope, Sean liked Captain Barbossa.  As a skeleton.

3. His favorite colors are red and black.  Because those are bad guy colors.

4. His favorite movies are still Star Wars movies and cartoons.  His favorite books are anything Star Wars.  His favorite toys are anything Star Wars.  As well as the Imaginatrix castles and knights and ninjas and dragons.  We could build a town with a small army.

5. Don’t let the bad-guy obsession fool you.  Sean is a sweetheart.  He wears his heart on his sleeve.  He’s sweet and caring.  He’s gentle and kind.  His teachers have all fallen in love with him.  Sean could never be a villain.

6. He’s also top in his class for math.  He is one of the most knowledgeable kids.  He reads.  Not that he has shown me, but he does it in class.

7. But his fine motor skills are woefully behind because he’s ambidextrous.  He’s going to have a hard time next year if I don’t get him help this summer.  He’s too bright to be held back, but his fine motor skills are very weak.

8. Sean is bright enough to learn that the fun activities we’ve been doing for the last two months are work in disguise.  Work for his fine motor skills.  Great.  Just great.  Now I have to find more crafts and activities for him to do for 20 minutes every day.

9. He’s growing out of needing a blankie for bedtime.  He loves it dearly but half the time forgets to bring it to bed.  My heart is breaking.

10. He does try to bring his big Angry Bird pig to bed.  Because he loves the pigs because they’re bad guys.  And he has a smaller one, but he gave it to Aidan because he loved it and wants to be like Sean.  So Sean sleeps in his bed with a big piggy and Evan.

Happy birthday, my little dude.  Please stop growing so fast.

And if you want to read his birth story, it’s here.

Spelling and Eating

There is only one casserole I will eat.  Sour Cream and Chicken Enchilada Casserole.  I adore the stuff.  Apparently so does my baby brother because he asked for it for his birthday dinner.  (I guess when you always eat out, a home-cooked meal is a treat, and I’m just the opposite.) 

Saturday we all gathered to have dinner in honor of my brother’s 29th birthday.  I looked over mid-meal to Aidan who sat next to me.  My little vegetarian (weird for a meat-eating family, right?) was digging into the casserole.  It was almost gone.  I made eye contact with my mom and, in a discreet manner, pointed to Aidan.

My mom: I know.  I’ve been watching him eat.  I can’t believe me.

Me: I know, right?  (giggle)  No one tell him there’s M-E-A-T in it.

Aidan: I eat the chicken!

Oh God. 

Please Lord, in Your infinite mercy, let that be a fluke.

Me: (sound normal; don’t panic; it was a fluke; it was a fluke.)  Is it good?

Aidan: WAY!  I like chicken!  I eat chicken now!

We’ll see next time I give your chicken strips.

Tale of Two Days

Saturday was awesome.

It started off rough.  At 6am, Aidan was screaming “MOMMY, JUICE!” from the bottom of the stairs over and over.  Each word was pushed into my brain like a knife.  Because I’m a parent, I have learned that I only care about peace, so I marched downstairs, got Aidan his juice out of the fridge, and returned to my bedroom to pop some pain meds and try to sleep a little bit longer.

30 minutes later, my nightmare was interrupted by “MOMMY, ROCKET!” being chanted/yelled at the bottom of the stairs by Aidan.  What the f- is he talking about?  What rocket?  OH!  THAT rocket.

I stomped back down stairs and hunted down the rogue rocket from the night before.  The other two boys gave me a “Hi, Mommy” that only two morning people can give.  I found the rocket and returned upstairs.  I took migraine medicine and went back to bed.  I probably wasn’t going to fall asleep soon.  So I got up.

After texting with a friend for a while and trying to come up with a breakfast idea, I finally decided on French toast.  Because we had homemade cinnamon bread and old hot dog buns.  And because it was May Fourth and I own Star Wars inspired sandwich cutters.  So I made two X-Wing Star Fighter and a Tie Fighter.

About this time, I realized that I have to break my no-caffiene-before-lunch rule.  I cracked open an energy drink.  I wondered if I’m going to die from horrible disease caused by caffeine.  But let me quote my baby brother.  “We’re all going to die from cancer any ways.  We might as well live a little.  (as in: “Mom is going to kill you when she finds out you’re still nuking stuff in butter tubs.”  “Fae, we’re all going to die from cancer in any ways; we might as well live a little; I’m dangerous like that.”  Good point.  Why don’t I just throw out my sunscreen and hats?)

The boys had already decided they wanted to go to Lego Club instead of the zoo.  I had a carrot to get them to move and get dressed and get chores done.  Never over look a carrot!  We had two hours, which means nothing at all with my boys.  But for normal people, that is plenty of time to get dressed and do a few chores.  Given the options, the boys chose getting ready for the day first.

I decided it was a picture day, which means I take random pictures of things throughout the day and send them to annoy a special person.  Like “This is breakfast!”  “Yes, I’m drinking an energy drink at 8am!”  “Look; I’m out of vanilla.”  “This is the underwear I’m going to wear.”  Scratch that.  I don’t think I sent that one.

The boys got dressed and did their chores.  Mostly.  We had to clean up the family room for Evan to vacuum the rugs.  I was able to get dressed and exercise.  We made it to Lego Club 5 minutes late, which is fine because it lasts 90 minutes, but that also means I wasn’t able to find out the price of plastic kiddie pools at the hardware store.

Lego Club was great.  I took tons of pictures of the boys building things and posted them on Facebook.  Aidan got bored and took tons of pictures of me, which I did not post on Facebook.  Near the end, Evan and Sean teamed up with two other boys to compete with another group of four boys to build the tallest tower with those huge toddler Legos.  It was awesome to watch them work as teams.  When Lego Club ended, the teams knocked over their towers and raced to help clean up. 

Before we left the library, we checked out Sean’s art piece from school and looked at a few books.  We left with Lego books and a bunch of books of mythology and fairy tales.  Evan was disappointed that all the Viking mythology books were checked out.

We met my parents and the Friendly Giant for lunch at a new burger joint.  Burgers and custard for everyone.  Then Aidan fell asleep on the way home.

Then it was homework time.  After a little bit of whining and complaining, Evan listened to me explain the importance of an introductory paragraph and a conclusion paragraph.  We worked together on it after I told him, “No, I’m not doing it for you; I’ve already written several state reports when I was a kid.”  Sean sat down and did his homework, insisting that drawing a dragon for his favorite character was what his teachers wanted.  “Draw something that lives on Earth.”  “They do live on Earth.”  “Draw something that is in a zoo.”  “Some zoos have dragons.  Mommy, dragons are real.”  Fine.  He has the rest of his life to not believe in dragons.  Not that I stopped.  So I asked him to draw his second favorite animal, which was a king cobra.  Then he worked on his teacher appreciation gifts.

By the time Aidan was awake, homework was done, and we got ready to go to my parents’ house to go swimming.  Only I forgot this was the first swim of the year, so the bag wasn’t packed with swimsuits, sunscreen, and other random, needful things.  The boys were excited to wear their new bathing suits, and I learned that Aidan’s hand-me-down was just not going to work.  As soon as the cover was off, the boys were in, and I climbed in after them- and dear god, it’s cold.  Maybe more like too cool.  But still colder than I thought I would be.  After suffering for five minutes, I decided to f- it and dove in to swim a few laps to get warm.  God, I missed swimming.

The Friendly Giant showed back up.  It’s always a great day when my baby brother shows up to go swimming with the boys.  He’s a giant play ground and diving board and water fountain all rolled into one.  I did kick the boys out when their lips turned blue and they began to chatter.  “I’mmmmm no-no-not c-c-c-cold.”  Right.  As my dad pointed out, “Look at naked Aidan; he’s got blue balls.”  And the crowd boo-ed.

Then I decided to be an amazingly awesome mom in the eyes of the boys.  We picked up McDonald’s and had a picnic lunch watching Star Wars: New Hope.  Because it was May 4th.  Because Sean said, “We should watch the fourth one because it’s May fourth.  Fourth.  Get it?”

We ended the day with bedtime and a small bedtime rebellion.  And it was awesome.

Unlike Sunday.

When my hair was a chaotic mess from swimming the day before.  WhenI got us to church 15 minutes early.  When I learned I lost my wallet when I went to pay for our food at the bakery.  When I was so super glad my wallet was back at church under the pew.  When that whole bakery-tear apart purse and car-drive to the church- go back to the bakery fiasco took WAY TOO LONG.  When I left the boys to their own devices for 30 minutes, giving them enough time to dump out ALL OF THE LEGOS and ALL OF THE IMAGINATRIX toys and a large container of toys.  When I withheld lunch because they refused to clean.  When it took 45 minutes to clean up the mess.  When I argued with Evan because he refused to finish his chose.  When my brilliant mother’s day gift idea failed miserably.  When I had tons of salt dough and no idea what to do with it.  When Sean argued, whined, and complained about doing homework.  When Evan took all damn afternoon to copy his state report in nice handwriting without grammar and spelling errors.  When we were running late due to the report so I decided to make Evan take it to my parents’ house.  When I learned Evan didn’t grab any blank paper.  When I had to run home for blank paper.  When I had to clean up the car from the tearing apart earlier.  When I couldn’t figure out a dinner menu.  When we stayed slightly too late at my parents’ house.  When the boys tried to refuse a bath.  When they decided to drench the bathroom.  When they decided they wanted to go to bed naked.  When the older boys wrestled and messed with each other instead of going to bed.  When Aidan had to keep getting out of bed to get books for an hour.  When poor Evan woke up with diarrhea and announced he had a poop accident in the bathroom.  When I realized I was out of bread.  When I was no longer manic and was tired and wanted to go to bed but I had homework and housework to do.

Sunday was less than awesome.

Those are my singing boys

The other Sunday was Children’s Day at the Lutheran preschool/kindergarten Sean goes to.  Like a good family, we went because Sean was singing and it’s a lot of fun after the service with snacks, crafts, and a bounce house.  If more churches had bounce houses after services, more people would go.

It was a nice service.  The children came in singing.  We were smooshed because Evan refused to sit further away from me, and then we didn’t have enough room for Sean when he came.  Aidan sat in the aisle looking through books.  I wanted tell the new parents, across the aisle, with the babbling baby that it was ok.  She was quite the talker.  But the best part came half way through the services when the congregation had to sing “Jesus Loves Me.”

Evan and Sean belted out the song.  It was the first time I had ever heard them sing together.  I was filled with gratitude and love.  I began to cry a little. 

I cried because I was so lucky to raise these boys.  I’m lucky to see them every day and be with them.  I get to hear about their days and thoughts.  I get to watch them grow and do amazing things.  I get to see them try new things and do silly things.  I get to read them bedtime stories and tuck them in at night.  I get to know them and help shape them into the good guys.  I cried because I know one day I’ll have to share custody and I won’t see them every day.  I will miss them when they aren’t being loud and funny and annoying.  My house will be quiet and empty.  As tough as it is to have the boys 24/7, to always be on the clock, they are my boys, and I prefer them with me.

The boys sang every word at the top of their lungs.  Every tear I tried to wipe away secretly.  Only it turned out the boys were louder than anyone else in the church, so people were looking around for them and would smile at the boys.  And of course, they saw me crying.  Also a little blonde toddler jumping up and down next to his brothers.

Since everyone saw me cry, several woman, walking down the aisle for communion, squeezed my shoulder and asked if I was all right.  After church, several women came up to me after church and asked me how I was and told me how wonderful my boys were.  One of my friends came up to me and asked, “Were you crying because it was so funny or because you were sad?”  Honestly, both.  She gave me a hug and said, “I wanted to go over and do this since the song.”

I’m so lucky to be the mother of these smart, funny, crazy, silly guys.  Even with the nagging, yelling, scolding, eye rolling, heaven-help-me’s, stomping, growling, yanking, are-you-kidding-me’s.  They’re my boys.  And I love them.

Now I’m off to nag them back to homework and give them hugs.