Birds & Bees, Part 1: Or the baby is naked in there?

I wanted to wait a little while to tell Evan about the new baby.  An eight to nine month wait is a long time for a little guy.  But Evan was very concerned about my “sickness,” asking me every day if I was still sick, if he would get sick, and that he was going to pray for me at his school.  A downside of sending him to a Christian preschool.  So I figured I better explain before the teachers started to think I had cancer or something. 

Then Evan and I sat at lunch together today, talking as Sean caught an early nap, ruining my nap and my need to clean before the rental people inspect tomorrow.  Yea.

Evan: Mommy, why do you want three boys?

Me: Because I like boys.  How do you know it’s not a girl?  I like girls too.

Evan:  Ok, it can be a girl.

Me: Do you want another little brother or a little sister?

Evan: I think I want four kids.

Me: Four?

Evan: No, five.

Me: Five?

Evan: Yes, because I like kids.

Me: Well, five is a lot.  (I do not want to feel this sick again.  Eyes on the prize.  Eyes on the prize.)  But I’ll let Daddy know how you feel.

Evan: Ok.  Does the baby have shoes on?

Me: No, the baby is naked.

Evan: (giggling) He’s naked?  He needs clothes on.  Why doesn’t he have clothes on.

Me: The baby doesn’t need any because the baby is in Mommy’s womb.

Evan: We need to get him some clothes.

Me: How will we get clothes in Mommy’s body?

Evan: Hmmm.  We’ll put it in a box.

Me: How will we get a box in Mommy’s body?

Evan: Mommy, does the baby eat when you eat?

Me: Sort of like that.

Evan: Why do you have to eat more food?

Me: Well, I have to eat for the baby and me.  The baby has a lot of growing to do.  It’s only this big.  (I show the size of a large bean with the space of my fingers.)

Evan: Why is it so tiny?

Me: Because it starts out that way.

Evan: Why is it in there?

Me: Because that’s the best place for it to grow.  Don’t worry when it’s big enough, it’ll come out.

Evan: But it’ll be naked!

Me: Yes, but I’ll dress it before you see it.

Evan: But I’ll see it naked!

Me: No, you’ll be with Papi and Grandma probably.  I’ll dress it before you come.

Evan: But I want to see it naked!

Me: Then you can help give it a bath.

Evan: Mommy, why are you eating a pie with chicken?  Pies are suppose to have fruit.

 

Well, that was a close one.

Ham and Sausage

I have noticed in the last few months that whenever I have the camera out, Sean must be in the picture.  No matter what I’m taking a picture of, Sean sneaks in.  Last week he was in the middle of throwing a temper tantrum when I was trying to take a picture of Evan.  Looking through the lens, there was Sean crying right in front of Evan.  Of course, I snapped a few pictures.

Today I was taking pictures of our new crafts, when Sean’s little head poked up in the center of the picture.

Me: Sean, you’re such a ham.

Evan: Why’s Sean a ham?

Me: Because he likes being the center of attention.  He likes to get his picture taken.

Evan: Oh.  If Sean’s a ham, then I’m a sausage.

Meet the other boy I watch

Sean: Mama!  Mama!  Mama!  Mama!  Mama!  Mama!

Me: Yes?

Sean: Mama!  Mama!  Mama!  Mama!  Mama!  Mama!

Me: Sean-Sean.

Sean: A feeesh!

Me: I see the fish.  It’s a red fish.

Sean: Mama!  Mama!  Mama!  Mama!

Me: Sean-Sean.

Sean: A feeesh!

Me: Yes, I red fish.

Papi: He really doesn’t stop unless you ans-

Sean: Mama! Mama!

Papi: wer.

Me: Sean-Sean.  No.  He doesn’t.

Sean: A pi-rate boat!

Me: Yes, a pirate boat.

Sean: Mama! Ma-

Papi: Sean!  Sean!  Sean!  Sean! Sean!  Sean!  Sean!  Sean!  Sean!  Sean!  Sean!  Sean!  Sean!  Sean!  Sean!  Sean!  Sean!  Sean!  Sean!  Sean!  Se-

Sean: (first smiling.  Now he put his hand out like a stop sign.)  STOOOOOOOOOOOOP!

Papi: Sean! Se-

Sean: STOOOOOOOOOOOP!

Me: Do you really think that’s helping?  Either of you?

A Few Choice Evan Stories

Evan is no longer concerned with the day I lost my keys down the toilet. Here are his NEW favorite stories.

 

Evan: Remember when we were swimming with Papi. And Papi yelled “Bee on you! Bee on you! Bee on you!” And Grandma jumped in the water. Why did she do that?

Me: Because she didn’t want to get stung. She didn’t know where the bee was.

Evan: Oh.

 

Evan: Remember when we were at the McDonald’s without the slide. And Papi took me to go potty. And I went pee. And Papi said, “Boy, you pee a lot.” Why did he say that?

Me: Because you do pee a lot.

Evan: No, I think he was teasing.

 

Evan: Remember when I threw up on Daddy the other day. It was a lot of throw up. It got all over us. And Daddy was yelling, “Mommy! Mommy!” (Pause, reflecting on the name Daddy actually used.) “Faemom! Faemom! Faemom!” He was funny. Why’d he say that?

Me: Because that’s my name and Daddy needed help.

Evan: No. You’re Mommy.

The Why Phase

I was so excited about the Why Phase.  Honestly, how much fun would that be?  I’m a fountain of useless knowledge.  I love learning useless knowledge.  I love learning period.  In high school drama, the award I was given was The Most Likely To Know Everything (Or She’ll Find it Out).  In college, I had a roommate that loved to torture me with random years, asking me what happened in that year.  I would go ballistic racking my brain, pulling out facts, until I turned on the computer and listed rulers, wars, and all kinds of facts. 

Every parenting book talked about how important the Why Phase was, how it was a sign of intelligence and inquisitiveness.  I worried as Evan out grew the months it was suppose to be in.  I wondered if my son actually cared to learn about the world around him.  I wondered if I was raising a day laborer, fast food restaurant cashier or a politician.  I waited and prepared.  I was well prepared for questions like:

Why’s the sky blue?

Why’s the grass green?

Why’s that an “E”?

Why is Papi bald?

Why do we go to church?

Why does Daddy make Daddy noise when he sleeps?

When the Why Phase started, did I get any of those questions?  No.  I got questions like these:

Why do I have to go to bed?

Why am I tired?

Why are you tired?

Why am I whiney?

Why is my bed so high?

Why did you do that?

Why can’t I have candy in my bed?

Why am I hungry for candy right now?

Why can’t I have juice?

Why will it leak?

Why do I have to have water?

Why is Seanny trying to sleep?

Why can’t I sleep in Seanny’s bed?

Why will he wake up?

Why can’t I sleep with you?

Why do I have to sleep in my own bed?

Why do I have to go to bed?

Why can’t I stay up?

Why am I tired?

Why do I have to put my underwear on?

Yeah, it’s not cute and inquisitive.  It’s not a sign that my kid is smart, trying to figure out the logic of the world.  It’s not a sign of intelligence.  It’s a sign of hidden rebellion.  It’s a sign of anarchy.  It’s a sign that my kid wants the rules to bend to his understanding.  He’s trying to be subversive.  He’s trying to break down the penis rules through his interpretation of logic.

Why do I have to wipe my bottom?

Why will I get diaper rash?

Why will it hurt?

Why do I have to wear underwear?

Why can’t I go naked?

Why do I have to wear clothes in the car?

Why do I have to wear clothes at Grandma’s and Papi’s house?

Why can’t I play with my penis here?

Why can’t I play with my penis in your room?

Does Daddy play with his penis in your room?

Why are you quiet?

Why didn’t you say anything?

Mommy!  Did you hear me?

Why do I have to put my underwear on?

What’s in a name?

Me: I don’t know.  I think he’s still playing M’s video game.

My Mom: The food’s getting cold.  The boys are ready to eat.

Evan: Chawles isn’t here.  Let’s just pray with out him.

Silence as we all stare at Evan because we never get used to him saying things like that.

Me: Daddy.  Daddy isn’t here, and we will wait for him before we pray and eat.

 

Evan learned his father’s name early on and uses it to his advantage.  The other day he called for my dad by his first name in a perfect mimic of the way my mom yells the name across the house, so we were curious to find out if he knew any one else’s name.

Grandma: Evan, do you know my name?

Evan: Linda.

Grandma: Good job.  Did you hear Grandma-Great call me that?

Evan: She calls you that when she’s mad at you.

Me: And when Grandma-Great is happy.

Evan: And when Grandma-Great is happy!

Grandma: Do you know mommy’s name?

Evan: Mommy –(Last Name)!

Evan’s sushi roll

I love spicy tuna hand rolls!  I would kill for a good one.  Mmmm.  Of course, they come second to a good hamburger, but I assure you, it’s a close second.  You can imagine my delight when we noticed Evan’s sushi set had a tuna hand roll.  Well, it’s not quite spicy, but we can make it work. 

If you don’t know what’s in a tuna hand roll, it’s tuna and cucumber or avocado with some sort of spicy herb that I can’t find the name of wrapped in rice and seaweed to make a cone for your hand.  With spicy tuna, the ground of the tuna with spices to make it nice and hot.  A great spicy tuna is heaven. *

 

Mmmm. Plastic hand roll.

Evan: This is a spicy hand roll.  The black is seaweed.  The white is rice.  The red is spicy tuna.  And the green is guacamole. 

Um.  Not quite the right ethnic group or continent.  But the right vegetable, so close enough.

 

*I understand not everyone can stomach or understand the delight that is eating raw fish, which I get because I would never have believed as a kid that I would eat raw fish and want to go back.  With that said, I have never got food poison from eating sushi.  That is usually fried shrimp.  And I believe you shouldn’t knocked until you tried it, but then I don’t think you’ll ever get me to try blood pudding or brains of any kind.

It looks like . . .

Evan: Mommy!  Mommy!  Mooooooommmmmmyyyyyyyyyyy!

 

Me: Evan, what?

 

Evan: Can you help me find my toy?

 

Me:  Which toy?

 

Evan: The green one that looks like a gun with an orange thing and it all looks like a bone.

 

Me: What?

 

Does any one know what he’s talking about?  Any one?

The Brain

Evan: What is he holding?

Me: He’s holding a brain.

Evan: It looks like a mouth!

Me: Yes, it does look funny. But it’s a brain.

Evan: What’s that?

Me: It’s in your head. I have one in my head. Everyone has one in their heads. They help you think and do things.

Evan: It’s not in my head! There’s nothing in my head!

Me: (giggling) You have one, I promise you.

Evan: Wait! Master Mantis is in my head!

Me: (Laughing)

Evan: He’s giving me candy!

Then Evan stared at me, wondering why I was laughing so hard.

Baby Possum

Evan: (as he climbs over me) I’m a baby possum!

 

Me: Where’d you get that from?

 

Evan: From the DVD and Blue Ray?

 

Me: Which DVD and Blue Ray?

 

Evan: The one with the baby possums!

 

 

Glad we could clear that one up.