Not another penis rule

Sean: Mommy!  How many penises does a snowman have?

Me: Um, what?  What?!

Sean: TWO!  One to keep!  And one to throw at people!

Me: What?

Sean: Mommy!  How many penises does a monster have?!

Me: Sean, I don’t know if-

Sean: TWO!  One to pee with!  And one to throw at good guys!

Me: Sean, we need to talk.  About these jokes.  We don’t make jokes about penises.  And-

Sean: Mommy!  How many penises do I have?!

Me: Oh, dear God, no.

Sean: ONE!!!  I fooled you, Mommy!  You were going to say two!

Me: No.  I happen to know you only have one. 

Sean: Mommy!

Me: Sean!  No more jokes about penises.

Sean: But they’re funny.

Me: No.  No, they’re not.  I’m sorry, but you have to know, as part of the clan, you have to work on your material.  It’s just the way it is in the family.  And no more penis jokes.

Sean: But-

Me: No.

Christ, I thought I had until Evan went to camp.  Does any one know how many penis rules I’m up to now?  Because I forgot.

Words from the boys

Sean: Mommy, can you buy me Lucky Charms?  They’re on my diet!

(Note: Their father discusses what’s on his diet.)

***

Sean: Mommy!  Did you you hear that big noise?  Do you know what that was?  That was me cleaning up my toys!

(Note: Without being asked!)

***

Sean: Mommy!  I have a big hug here!  Do you want it?!

Me: Of course.

(He had his arms clasped behind his back and threw his arms around me to give me a bear hug.)

***

Me: You’re one of my favorite boys.

Evan: I am?!

Me: Yup!  Do you know how many I have?

Evan: THREE!

Me: Yup!  I’m pretty lucky!

Evan: What aren’t Uncle Face and Uncle Friendly Giant your favorite boys too?

Me: Um.

(I’m just glad he didn’t ask about his father.)

***

Evan: Can you buy me a night cap?

Me: I don’t think they make them anymore.

Evan: Ok.  I’ll just wear my pajama pants on my head.

(Your guess is as good as mine.

***

Aidan: MOMMYYYYYYYY!

(Ok, so it’s not clever.  But when he runs at me with his arms wide out and yelling that, it’s damn cute.)

(This post was written three times on three different topics/stories.  I blame the kid laying down, whining that he didn’t want me to read to him.)

Favorites

When asked who are mother’s favorite is, my brothers and I respond different.  They say me.  I maintain its Face.  When she is in the room, we all say a different sibling.  Because it’s fun to irritate my mother.  But truly it’s Face.  “But he was in trouble the most!  I punished him the most!” my mother says.  True, but if I had done any of the things he had done, I would have been locked up in a convent until I was 18.

When we are asked about our dad’s favorite, we all look at each other and shrug.  I don’t know.

***

When talking to other moms, the discussion of favorites comes about.  Usually to deny favorites or secretly admit them.  I always boasted, “Aidan’s my favorite!  He can’t run away or back talk!”

Guess what.  He can.  Which means I need a new catch phrase.

“It changes from minute to minute.”

***

Evan: You look like a zombie.

He was immediately demoted to below his brothers.  Since it was the *Very First* thing he said today, he was demoted beneath my books, chocolate, and hot showers.

Sean: Wow!  Mommy, you cleaned the whole house!

He was immediately my favorite because it was said without sarcasm and with enthusiasm.

Aidan ran and hugged me.

He was immediately my favorite.

Evan: Mommy, you make the best breakfasts!

Evan was immediately my favorite.

Evan: Mommy, your tummy is bigger than daddy’s!  You have a fat tummy!  (Evan was immediately demoted under his brothers.  Again.)

Sean: Mommy, you’re fat!  (Sean was immediately demoted with Evan.  If we had a pet, they would be beneath the pet.)

Evan: And you have a fat butt!  (Laughter from both boys)

Sean was demoted beneath books, chocolate, and hot showers.  Evan was demoted beneath books, movies, all desserts, hot showers, and Disneyland.

And in *my* defense, I am NOT bigger than the ex.  I do NOT have a bigger gut than the ex.  And my pajama pants make my butt look big.  AND all of this happened in the first hour of the day!

My Mom: Well, in their defense, Fae, you could stand to lose five to ten pounds.

My mom was now demoted beneath the boys, my father, my brothers, my sister-in-law, my friends, and my favorite grandma. 

Sean: HUG!  (He wrapped me into a bear hug.)

He was now my favorite.

Aidan hugged me.

He was now my favorite.

Evan waited until the boys are doing something else and hugged me.

Evan: I love you, Mommy.

Evan was my favorite.

Look at that.  Three favorites.

And my mom is still demoted.

 

 

Some days

She looked like she was just one temper tantrum short of having one herself.  She looked like she could nap while the kids watched tv, drinking chocolate milk and eating cookies.  She looked like she did the bedtime countdown in her head and realized lunch wasn’t even served.  She looked like she could use some time off, a hug, and some chocolate and a stiff drink.  She looked done.

And she never looked like that.  Sure, she was always in a rush.  She always had her hands full of a boy.  She always seemed to be juggling something, on her way to something.  Her voice sometimes had a pleading edge to it, but it worked, so who am I to judge?  She never looked perfectly put together, just perfectly managing mom.  She looked overwhelmed but dealing with it.  And I wanted to be her friend because I got her.  Just by looking at her.

But today.  She looked like she was going through hell, and we all can get that.

Our eyes met as she handed me the pencil to sign out Sean.

She: I’ve been here the whole time because of the price of gas.

I’m not sure what happened, but I knew they were down to one car for a few weeks.  It was so tight that her middle son couldn’t come to school because he didn’t have a ride.  I only knew this because I accidentally ease-dropped.  I also knew she just started driving this beast of a van that saw better days two decades ago.  I got that.  It reminded me of my childhood as my parents stretched a dollar into two.  And of my last few years.

Me: Oh, that sucks.  Well, now you can go home.  And put the little guy to bed.

I nodded my head in the directions of her third son who was in a staring contest with Aidan.  She had boys the same ages of my boys.  Her boys loved Star Wars.  It’s amazing we haven’t gotten them together before now.

She: He’s been good.  But I’m so done.  So done. I-

Her boy: MOMMY!  SEAN SAID I COULD GO TO HIS HOUSE TODAY!

Sean: MOMMY! CAN HER BOY COME TO OUR HOUSE TODAY!

She: Her Boy, she will call us.  We will set a date.  It’ll happen.

Me: Not today, Sean.  During Spring Break.

She: We need to go.  No.  We need to go now.  Her Boy.  NOW.  Get off the trike.  Get off the trike.  Get your brother.  No, don’t fight over the trike.  No one is riding the trike.  No one.  Stop it.  Boys!

Me: Sean, why don’t we walk Her Boy to the car?

Sean: OK!  HER BOY CAN I SEE YOUR NEW VAN?!

Her Boys:  YEAH!  COME ON!

All four boys ran towards the parking lot.

She: Not the street!

Me: Give it a moment.  HOLD UP, BOYS!

The boys all stopped.  Even the toddlers.  I smiled at her.  She smiled back.  Weakly.

We walked the boys across the parking lot as she tried to maintain a grip on her toddler, trying to keep the trike out of his reach.  And then when she opened up the van, the toddler threw a massive temper tantrum.  She looked frazzled and embarrassed.

Me: Toddlers!  This is what they do.

She smiled.  Weakly.  She strapped the shrieking toddler in his car seat.  She looked at me.  I touched her arm.

Me: It’s ok.  Some days are just a count down to bedtime.  And right now, it’s nap time.  You’re a good mother, and today was just an annoying day.  Soldier on, warrior.

She smiled.

She: Thanks.  I just need to get home, and then I’ll feel better.

Me: I know.  Besides that’s where the duct tape is.

She laughed.

A Discussion with a Four Year Old

Sean: Where is the Emperor?

Me: What?

Sean: Where is the Emperor?

Me: I don’t know, sweetheart.

Sean: YOU do know!

Me: No.  I do not.  It’s not my toy.  Where did you have it last?

Sean: I don’t know.  YOU do!

Me: No.  I don’t.

Sean: It’s in the car!  Get it!

Me: No.  Hold on.  (pause) No.  It’s not in the car.  You took your lightsaber and blanky with you.  Not your Star Wars figures.

Sean: No!  I had the Emperor!

Me: No.  You had your lightsaber.  Remember?

Sean: Where is the Emperor?!  Get it!

Me: I don’t know where it is.

Sean: Yes, YOU do!

Me: (sigh. pause.  think.) You had it on your dresser while you dressed.  Did you move it?

Sean: You’re right!!!  It’s on my dresser.

Me: Well, then.  Now you know where it is.

Sean: Go get it!

I’m going to find some chocolate.

Things I learned at Pre-Kindergarten

1. If an animal is kind, sweet, and considerate, it *must* be a girl.  It doesn’t matter if she has a boy’s name.  Just ask any four-year-old girl.

2. We are not allowed to draw guns because they are “inappropriate at school.” (and yes, the four-year-old who used that word)

3. You have ten minutes at a project before they cannot contain the energy bottling up in their little bodies.

4. ”Simon Says” is a great game to keep four-year-olds occupied.

5. Never let a four-year-old lead “Simon Says” if you want them to stay in one place, be somewhat quiet, or have the command take less than two minutes.

6. If they run, they race.

7. Some of those shoes those girls have, I want in adult sizes.

8. Nothing is cuter than Sean beaming and waving from his spot at circle time when I walk into the room.

That doesn’t make any sense

Sean has a new tactic in use of logic and reason to argue his way out of anything he doesn’t want to do.

Me: Sean, eat breakfast.  You don’t want to be late.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

Me: If you don’t eat, then you don’t get dressed, then you don’t get to school on time.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

***

Me: Sean!  Get dressed!

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

Me: Yes, it does.  Do you want to go to school naked?

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

***

Me: Sean!  Hurry!  We have to get you to school.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

Me: You have to go to school.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

***

Me: Sean, it’s time to practice writing your name.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

Me: If you want to play anything, you have to do your name.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

***

Me: Sean, it’s time to shut off the Wii and TV.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

Me: It does because we have to go get Evan.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

***

Me: Stop playing and go wash up for dinner.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

Me: Yes, it does.  It’s dinner time.  You need to wash your hands.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

***

Me: It’s time to pick up the toys.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

Me: If you want to keep them from being broken, if you want to find them in the morning, if you don’t want to trip, it makes perfect sense.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

***

Me: Hurry up!  It’s time to get out of the bath.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

Me: (sigh)

***

Me: Ok.  It’s time for bed.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

Me: ….

***

Sean: No.  You have to take the light saber out of him or he’ll die.  The light saber is in his chest.  We have to pull it out, and then he’ll live.

Me: That doesn’t make any sesnse.

It’s just a little surgery

Procedure.

Pro ced ure.

Not surgery.

Surgery means they have to cut you open.

Surgery means there is recovery time.

Surgery is expensive.  And November has been expensive enough, thank you very much.

I got home from my most wonderful trip late at night.  I was debriefed.  And then unlike any smart person, I stayed up later than I should.  (But I had a good reason!  I swear!)  I got everything prepared for a whirlwind of a morning.  We had to be at the hospital at 8am.  Sean couldn’t eat.  Evan had to be at school at 9am.  We couldn’t bring Aidan.  Luckily our support system rocked.

After dressing kids and dropping them off, we arrived at the hospital on time.  We were ushered into the registration office to fill out necessary paperwork and to leave our pound of flesh.  (I f-ing hate of health insurance system!)  Then we waited.  I read a Star Wars book to Sean.  Finally we were called back to the prepping station.

The nurses were amazing.  They engaged Sean.  They told him what was going on in child terms.  “I’m reading the numbers in your head.”  “I’m looking at your heart beat on the TV.”  “This cuff is going to hug your arm tight.”  “You get to wear this really neat outfit.”  “Who are you holding?”  “Yoda is my favorite.”

Um, Parent Fail: I forgot the blankie.  BUT.  I did find Star Wars figures in the car.

In no time Sean was prepped and ready to go.  And we waited some more.  I began reading the Star Wars book again.  Then another little boy and his parents entered the prepping station.  He was about three, and where ever his thing was stuck hurt him.  He was crying, screaming, throwing all manners of fits.  He was uncooperative.  The parents were stressed and distressed.  Any one could see the poor boy was scared and in pain and all was forgiven.  Anyone that didn’t understand was clearly a jerk and needed a black eye.

Sean was worried.  He stared at the boy and looked up at me.

Me: (whispering) You can tell him its ok.

Sean: (leaning around me, trying to make eye contact) It’s OK! (pause.  No response from the boy.)  Hey!  You’ll be fine!  (Pause)  IT WON’T HURT!

The boy stopped fighting the nurses and crying and looked at Sean.  Sean smiled.

Sean:  It won’t hurt!

The fight went out of the boy.  He submitted to the prepping.

Not too long after that, the anesthesioloigist came.  He began with a lecture of laughing gas, aimed for a child much older than Sean.

Dr: And everyone wanted to try it.  They would pay to do it.  Do you want to try it?

Sean blinked at him.

I sighed.

Me: Sean.  They’re going to put a mask on you.  Like Darth Vader.  And then you have to breathe into it.  Like Darth Vader.  Can you show me how you breathe like Darth Vader?  (Sean mimics the breathing.)  Great!  Now the nurses and doctors are going to want to hear that too?  Can you do it for them.

Sean nodded.  The doctor smiled.

Dr:  I have a little boy who is ten.  And he loves Star Wars.  We should talk.

As a Star Wars conversation started, the ENT checked in on us and reassured us.  The anesthesioligist picked up Sean and carried him away.

My baby was having a procedure.

I tried to read as I waited.

Ten minutes later the ENT entered the waiting room.  He handed me a plastic container, holding the pearl bead with a little ear wax on it.

ENT: Done.  They’re bringing him up from being under, and they will call you in soon.

I looked at the bead.  The very expensive plastic bead that Evan had put with the pirate treasure.

Stupid bead.

What do I do with you now?

I still think it should go in the baby book.

 

 

The damn bead

 

Christmas ornaments for kids, preschoolers, and toddlers to make

Christmas is coming.  The goose is getting fat.  I love prepping for Christmas.  Evan and I are brain storming for this year’s ornaments and crafts.  I’m not sure what to do for the families.  Here are some ornaments we made last year.  We had a blast making them.  Depending on the age and the ability of the child will depend on how much work you do.

Mini Christmas Trees

(I remember doing something similar when I was a Brownie in Girl Scouts. It’s an easy, fun, and messy project.  Evan (5) and Sean (3) really enjoyed making them.)

What you need:

Pine cones

Green spray paint

Glue

Glitter

Paper plates

Ribbon

Spray paint pine cones green.  Once the pine cones are dry, pour glue in one paper plate and glitter in another.  Have the child roll the pine cone in the glue and then in the glitter.  Let the pine cone dry.  Glue ribbon to the pine cone to make a loop.  Allow to dry.

Glitter Shells

(I saw this in a Martha Stewart magazine.  The hard part is putting a whole in the shell; you’ll need a drill, preferably a dremel drill.  It was easy to adopt for children.  I’m thinking I want to try other shells this year.  The boys loved making these.  I loved playing with my dad’s dremel drill.  If only I had a real reason to get one.)

Things you need:

Shells (We used clam shells)

Dremel Drill

Glue

Glitter

Paper plates

Tooth pick

Ribbon or string

Drill a hole in the top of the shell.  Have the child dip the shell into the glue.  Have the child cover the shell in glitter.  (We did most shells in one color as well as mixing two colors together to get a neat effect.)  Clear the hole of glue and glitter.  Allow to dry.  Thread the whole with ribbon or string.  Tie the ribbon to make a loop.

Clay Ornaments

(These are so easy, simple, and fun.  Toddlers can even do it.  Now that I think about it, I might have the boys make more this year and work on decorating them in different ways.  The boys had lots of fun.  Keep on eye on these.  They can burn quickly.  Evan prefered the burnt ones.  I was less than thrilled.)

What you need:

Polymer Clay

Something to cut clay in a circle (I used a plastic Easter egg.)

Rubber stamps

Straw

Cookie sheet

Tooth pick

Foil

Ribbon

Have the child knead the clay for at least two minutes.  (For younger children, you may have to work with it too.)  Roll the clay flat to about 1/4″ to 1/2″ thick.  Cut out circles.  Use the straw to cut out a hole in the top.  Have the child press a rubber stamp in to the clay.  On the back of the clay, write the child’s name or initials with the year.  Cover a cookie sheet with foil, and place the ornaments on it.  Bake in an oven or toaster oven as it says on the directions. (275°F for 15 mins.  I think mine baked in 10 mins.)  Let the ornaments cool.  String ornaments with ribbon.

More craft and ornament ideas

Christmas crafts for kids, preschoolers and toddlers part 2

Winter and Christmas Crafts for Toddlers and Children

More Christmas Crafts for Children, Toddlers, and Babies

Christmas Crafts for Kids, Toddlers, and Babies

Sean’s pearls of wisdom

Swinging a stick his hieght and an inch thick- I will not hit Aidan with this stick!

On grabbing a handful of bills that Aidan tossed out of their father’s wallet- I had no money!  Now I have a lot of money!  I will buy the Monkey Castle!

On the date- Today is tomorrow!

On putting his shoes away- But I will wear them later!

Meals are meant to be eaten standing up, pacing, and dancing around the dinner table.

On pushing Aidan- He was getting my toys!  And I said, “No, Aidan, no!”  And he didn’t listen!

On time out- But I said I was sorry!

On being told he had to rest two more minutes- How about three?