Names

The other day I was checking out Facebook when I came across my friend’s post where she mentioned her son was “a little bad boy” who wouldn’t stay still for pictures and they had to leave but there where other “bad little children.”  I was horrified.  Who calls her kid or any children “bad?”  Lord knows that I’ve had my fill of crazy, chaotic behavior that has made me want to pull my hair and yank my child and punish him within an inch of his life, but I have never called him “bad.”

This is when on “The Daily Show” they would cue the montage of all that I’ve called my children.

Tornadoes, rebels, demons, possessed by demons, TWO, hoodlums, Evan-Aidan- I mean SEAN!, Aidan-Sean- I mean EVAN!, what ever kid you are!, “What is wrong with that kid?”  And let’s not forget three years ago when I threatened Evan with “I’m going to let wolves raise you.”  (Yeah, he and I were confused by that too.)

But I never called them “bad boys” to anyone.  I simply implied it.  And that, folks, is good parenting.  Because they haven’t linked calling your kids “tornadoes” regularly (whether to the child or to another person) as psychologically damaging.  It’s a grey area.

The M&M Caper

I have a bowl of M&Ms in the kitchen.  It seemed Evan and Sean collected candy from school, birthday parties, holidays, and poor Aidan never had any.  Evan would ask for candy for dessert instead of the home-made goodie of the week, and poor Aidan would want some too.  So I got a bowl of M&Ms.  They were dessert.  They were special treats.  They were awesome.

Friday as I talked to my mom on the phone, I walked into the kitchen and notice an M&M on the floor.  Huh.  Then I noticed another.  And then another.  A small trail of M&Ms.  I looked over at the counter, noticing the little child’s chair next to it.  On the back of the counter, nearly hidden by the bread-maker, there was an empty spot where the bowl of M&Ms should be.

Me: Oh dear.  The bowl of M&Ms is gone.  I have a trail, and then it stops.

My Mom: Really?  Which boy?

Me: Aidan.  I heard him banging around the kitchen earlier.  (I was searching the kitchen and the connecting family room.)  I’m surprised he was able to reach out and snag it.

My mom: Ask him where it is.  I’m sure he’ll be excited to show you.

I went hunting for Aidan who sat at the top of the stairs.

Me: AIDAN!  Where’s the M&M bowl?  Show Mommy where the bowl is!

Aidan smiled back at me, turned on his belly, and slid down the stairs.  He stood up at the bottom and grabbed my hand.

Aidan: Way!

Aidan toddled into the family room, dragging me along with him.  He went to the child-size recliner and pointed to the empty bowl.  He beamed up at me.

Aidan: THERE!

Me: Um, Mom.  He ate almost a full bowl of M&Ms. 

My mom: Oh really?  And where were you?

Me: In the shower.

I looked around.  I noticed an M&M.  Then I noticed another.  And another.  I finally collected 12 M&Ms.  I looked at Aidan who was standing watching me.  He didn’t smell of chocolate.  He didn’t have chocolate or colored stuff on his face.  He didn’t have colors on his palms.  Huh.

I moved the recliner to see if any more where around.  It rattled.  I ran my hand between the edge of the cushion and the arm.  Several M&Ms fell to the floor. 

Me: He put them in the green chair.

My mom: The child-size one?

I didn’t have any other green chairs.

Me: Yup.

My mom: Be thankful.  He didn’t eat it them.  He played with them.

Me: Thankful.  I’ve got to go and try to get M&Ms out of the chair.

My mom: Bye, sweetheart.  I love you.

Me: I love you too.  Talk to you later.

I hung up and set down the phone.  Aidan was playing with cars.  I picked up and shook the chair, spilling M&Ms everywhere.

Aidan: M’s!

Me: Aidan.  Ask Mommy next time you want an M.

Aidan: (holding up an M&M) M?

Me: (sigh) Yes.

Imagine how thankful I felt that night as I swept and mop the floor and every time I moved that damn chair more M&Ms fell out.

Not another penis rule

Sean: Mommy!  How many penises does a snowman have?

Me: Um, what?  What?!

Sean: TWO!  One to keep!  And one to throw at people!

Me: What?

Sean: Mommy!  How many penises does a monster have?!

Me: Sean, I don’t know if-

Sean: TWO!  One to pee with!  And one to throw at good guys!

Me: Sean, we need to talk.  About these jokes.  We don’t make jokes about penises.  And-

Sean: Mommy!  How many penises do I have?!

Me: Oh, dear God, no.

Sean: ONE!!!  I fooled you, Mommy!  You were going to say two!

Me: No.  I happen to know you only have one. 

Sean: Mommy!

Me: Sean!  No more jokes about penises.

Sean: But they’re funny.

Me: No.  No, they’re not.  I’m sorry, but you have to know, as part of the clan, you have to work on your material.  It’s just the way it is in the family.  And no more penis jokes.

Sean: But-

Me: No.

Christ, I thought I had until Evan went to camp.  Does any one know how many penis rules I’m up to now?  Because I forgot.

Lucky Boy

Sean: I love you, Mommy!

Me: I love you, too.

Sean: I love you, three!

Me: I love you, four.

Sean: I love you, five!

Me: I love you, six.

Sean: I love you, SEVEN!

Ok, I think I should end this before we go up through a hundred.

Me: I love you, infinity!

And yes, Sean understands infinity.  Sort of.  Many things cost infinity dollars.

Sean: I love you, infinity plus one!

Me: Little, clever bot.

Sean: Wait!  I love you, INFINITY PLUS TEN!  That’s the highest number!  You can’t count any more!

Me: Wow!  I’m a lucky mommy to be loved that much.

Sean: I’m a lucky boy to love my mommy that much!

A Discussion with a Four Year Old

Sean: Where is the Emperor?

Me: What?

Sean: Where is the Emperor?

Me: I don’t know, sweetheart.

Sean: YOU do know!

Me: No.  I do not.  It’s not my toy.  Where did you have it last?

Sean: I don’t know.  YOU do!

Me: No.  I don’t.

Sean: It’s in the car!  Get it!

Me: No.  Hold on.  (pause) No.  It’s not in the car.  You took your lightsaber and blanky with you.  Not your Star Wars figures.

Sean: No!  I had the Emperor!

Me: No.  You had your lightsaber.  Remember?

Sean: Where is the Emperor?!  Get it!

Me: I don’t know where it is.

Sean: Yes, YOU do!

Me: (sigh. pause.  think.) You had it on your dresser while you dressed.  Did you move it?

Sean: You’re right!!!  It’s on my dresser.

Me: Well, then.  Now you know where it is.

Sean: Go get it!

I’m going to find some chocolate.

Things I learned at Pre-Kindergarten

1. If an animal is kind, sweet, and considerate, it *must* be a girl.  It doesn’t matter if she has a boy’s name.  Just ask any four-year-old girl.

2. We are not allowed to draw guns because they are “inappropriate at school.” (and yes, the four-year-old who used that word)

3. You have ten minutes at a project before they cannot contain the energy bottling up in their little bodies.

4. ”Simon Says” is a great game to keep four-year-olds occupied.

5. Never let a four-year-old lead “Simon Says” if you want them to stay in one place, be somewhat quiet, or have the command take less than two minutes.

6. If they run, they race.

7. Some of those shoes those girls have, I want in adult sizes.

8. Nothing is cuter than Sean beaming and waving from his spot at circle time when I walk into the room.

That doesn’t make any sense

Sean has a new tactic in use of logic and reason to argue his way out of anything he doesn’t want to do.

Me: Sean, eat breakfast.  You don’t want to be late.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

Me: If you don’t eat, then you don’t get dressed, then you don’t get to school on time.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

***

Me: Sean!  Get dressed!

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

Me: Yes, it does.  Do you want to go to school naked?

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

***

Me: Sean!  Hurry!  We have to get you to school.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

Me: You have to go to school.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

***

Me: Sean, it’s time to practice writing your name.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

Me: If you want to play anything, you have to do your name.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

***

Me: Sean, it’s time to shut off the Wii and TV.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

Me: It does because we have to go get Evan.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

***

Me: Stop playing and go wash up for dinner.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

Me: Yes, it does.  It’s dinner time.  You need to wash your hands.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

***

Me: It’s time to pick up the toys.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

Me: If you want to keep them from being broken, if you want to find them in the morning, if you don’t want to trip, it makes perfect sense.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

***

Me: Hurry up!  It’s time to get out of the bath.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

Me: (sigh)

***

Me: Ok.  It’s time for bed.

Sean: That doesn’t make any sense.

Me: ….

***

Sean: No.  You have to take the light saber out of him or he’ll die.  The light saber is in his chest.  We have to pull it out, and then he’ll live.

Me: That doesn’t make any sesnse.

It’s just a little surgery

Procedure.

Pro ced ure.

Not surgery.

Surgery means they have to cut you open.

Surgery means there is recovery time.

Surgery is expensive.  And November has been expensive enough, thank you very much.

I got home from my most wonderful trip late at night.  I was debriefed.  And then unlike any smart person, I stayed up later than I should.  (But I had a good reason!  I swear!)  I got everything prepared for a whirlwind of a morning.  We had to be at the hospital at 8am.  Sean couldn’t eat.  Evan had to be at school at 9am.  We couldn’t bring Aidan.  Luckily our support system rocked.

After dressing kids and dropping them off, we arrived at the hospital on time.  We were ushered into the registration office to fill out necessary paperwork and to leave our pound of flesh.  (I f-ing hate of health insurance system!)  Then we waited.  I read a Star Wars book to Sean.  Finally we were called back to the prepping station.

The nurses were amazing.  They engaged Sean.  They told him what was going on in child terms.  “I’m reading the numbers in your head.”  “I’m looking at your heart beat on the TV.”  “This cuff is going to hug your arm tight.”  “You get to wear this really neat outfit.”  “Who are you holding?”  “Yoda is my favorite.”

Um, Parent Fail: I forgot the blankie.  BUT.  I did find Star Wars figures in the car.

In no time Sean was prepped and ready to go.  And we waited some more.  I began reading the Star Wars book again.  Then another little boy and his parents entered the prepping station.  He was about three, and where ever his thing was stuck hurt him.  He was crying, screaming, throwing all manners of fits.  He was uncooperative.  The parents were stressed and distressed.  Any one could see the poor boy was scared and in pain and all was forgiven.  Anyone that didn’t understand was clearly a jerk and needed a black eye.

Sean was worried.  He stared at the boy and looked up at me.

Me: (whispering) You can tell him its ok.

Sean: (leaning around me, trying to make eye contact) It’s OK! (pause.  No response from the boy.)  Hey!  You’ll be fine!  (Pause)  IT WON’T HURT!

The boy stopped fighting the nurses and crying and looked at Sean.  Sean smiled.

Sean:  It won’t hurt!

The fight went out of the boy.  He submitted to the prepping.

Not too long after that, the anesthesioloigist came.  He began with a lecture of laughing gas, aimed for a child much older than Sean.

Dr: And everyone wanted to try it.  They would pay to do it.  Do you want to try it?

Sean blinked at him.

I sighed.

Me: Sean.  They’re going to put a mask on you.  Like Darth Vader.  And then you have to breathe into it.  Like Darth Vader.  Can you show me how you breathe like Darth Vader?  (Sean mimics the breathing.)  Great!  Now the nurses and doctors are going to want to hear that too?  Can you do it for them.

Sean nodded.  The doctor smiled.

Dr:  I have a little boy who is ten.  And he loves Star Wars.  We should talk.

As a Star Wars conversation started, the ENT checked in on us and reassured us.  The anesthesioligist picked up Sean and carried him away.

My baby was having a procedure.

I tried to read as I waited.

Ten minutes later the ENT entered the waiting room.  He handed me a plastic container, holding the pearl bead with a little ear wax on it.

ENT: Done.  They’re bringing him up from being under, and they will call you in soon.

I looked at the bead.  The very expensive plastic bead that Evan had put with the pirate treasure.

Stupid bead.

What do I do with you now?

I still think it should go in the baby book.

 

 

The damn bead

 

It’s just a little bead

I called my mom, asking her how I would remove a bead out of an ear.  “Do you want me to come over and take a look?”  Yes, yes, I would.  She confirmed what I feared.  It was best to go to the ER.  Crap.  Crap.

A call to their father: “Sean put a bead in his ear.  I need to take him to the ER.  My mom is here.  Can you come over and watch the boys?”  “Ok.  I’ll let her know you’ll be here in twenty.”  “Yeah, I know.  This sucks.  Talk to you later.”

A text to a friend: “My boys decided they needed to push my buttons to make sure I didn’t miss them too much.  Then Sean told me he put a ball in his ear when the sun was shining.  Guess where I’m going.”

I stuffed all the Star Wars book in a bag.  I tossed in some Star Wars figures.  I grabbed Sean’s blankie. My mom helped Sean into his jacket.  I threw mine on, and we ran out of the house.  At least I was fully prepared for the very long wait ahead of us.

When we arrived, I turned around to tell Sean.  To find him completely asleep.  No problem.  I picked him up.  I grabbed the bag and my purse and marched into the ER.  To march back to the kiddie waiting room.  Yea.

We waited for three and half hours. We were in triage once, and Sean slept through it. He was dead asleep in my arms.  I was not prepared for that.  I would have lost my grip on sanity in small doses from boredom and watching tween Disney programs, (Who are those writers?  Better yet, who hires them?  Because I can write better stuff half asleep.  Pay me.) if I didn’t have some one to text back and forth to.  I also had “Pocket Frogs” as well.  But it was the texting because honestly how long can you be entertained by bouncing frogs from one lily pad to another?

Finally we were called to the back.  Sean woke up.  The nurse looked in his ear.  “Let me think and come back and let you know what I come up with me.”

I felt so reassured.

The first technique she tried to pull it out with some sort of plastic hook.

Fail.

The second technique a doctor recommended some other nurses suck it out with a vacuum.  One nurse with the hose.  The other nurse and I held Sean.

Fail.

Those nurses suggested a third technique.  The paper clip technique.  Three nurses and I held down Sean as he thrashed as they tried to pop out the bead with a paper clip.  He screamed out “Mommy!  Help me!!!”  My heart broke.  I held on.  Praying.

Fail.

They gave me a reference for an ENT, and I held Sean tight, blinking back tears.

Oh, and did I mention after a four-hour ordeal, I still was leaving tomor- I mean, I was leaving that day.

I stayed up way too late trying to get things done.

***

Friday morning, I was a tornado.  It’s sick how well I do under pressure.  Sick.  I got boys up and ready.  I allowed Sean to sleep in, but when he woke, he insisted on going to school because it was crazy sock day.  I got things done.  I called the ENT before we left for school and left a message.

I explained things to Sean’s teacher.  Dropped off Evan.  Dropped off food from Evan’s fundraiser.  Started getting the support network online.  Called the ENT again.  Left a message again.  Tried to straighten up the house.  About to jump in the show- Phone call.  Sean’s teacher wanted to know if I could pick up Sean because they were worried he would do something to lodge the bead in further on their watch.  Run to get Sean.  Jump in the shower.  Hear the phone ring.  Jump out of the shower.  The ENT.

I explained the situation.

The scheduler: Will Monday afternoon work for you, ma’am?

Me: No.  Did you miss what I said?  My son has a bead in his ear.  The ER couldn’t remove it last night.  If for some chance, it moves and starts to hurt him, they can’t get it out.  So Monday will not work for us.  I understand if you can’t help us, but if you can’t then give me the number of someone who can.

The scheduler: I can try to fit him in at 3:30 but there will be a wait.  I don’t know how long.

Me: We’ll be there.

I organized my mom to watch Aidan and Evan while their father took Sean to the doctor.

I was told I could postpone my flight or my trip.  Wally told me to get on the damn plane.

I had to trust.  It’ll be fine.  He is their father.  He can do this.  I had to trust.  I had to trust.

***

“We’re at the doctor’s”

“How’s the wait?”

“Um, we’re actually waiting in the room.”

“How’s Sean?”

“Fine.  Oh, there’s the doctor.  Got to go.”

“Ok.  Good luck.  Tell Sean I love him and to be brave!”

Breathe.  Breathe.  Breathe.  Trust.  Trust.  Trust.  Everything will be fine.

The Imperial March

“Well?!”

“The doctor couldn’t even get near the ear.  Sean freaked.  They’re going to have to put him under.  I’ve talked to the woman who is setting this all up.  It may be Monday or Tuesday.”

Tuesday.  Tuesday.  Tuesday.

“Ok. How’s Sean doing?”

“Hold on.  Here.”

“Hi, Mama!”

“Hi, Baby!  How are you?”

*enter five-minute monologue about Sith Lords and Jedis and toys and Mario with a toddler accent*

“Daddy says I’ve got to go.  I love you, Mama.  Bye-bye.”

“I love you too, Seanny.  Be good.  I’ll talk to you later.”

Please let it be Tuesday.

Christmas ornaments for kids, preschoolers, and toddlers to make

Christmas is coming.  The goose is getting fat.  I love prepping for Christmas.  Evan and I are brain storming for this year’s ornaments and crafts.  I’m not sure what to do for the families.  Here are some ornaments we made last year.  We had a blast making them.  Depending on the age and the ability of the child will depend on how much work you do.

Mini Christmas Trees

(I remember doing something similar when I was a Brownie in Girl Scouts. It’s an easy, fun, and messy project.  Evan (5) and Sean (3) really enjoyed making them.)

What you need:

Pine cones

Green spray paint

Glue

Glitter

Paper plates

Ribbon

Spray paint pine cones green.  Once the pine cones are dry, pour glue in one paper plate and glitter in another.  Have the child roll the pine cone in the glue and then in the glitter.  Let the pine cone dry.  Glue ribbon to the pine cone to make a loop.  Allow to dry.

Glitter Shells

(I saw this in a Martha Stewart magazine.  The hard part is putting a whole in the shell; you’ll need a drill, preferably a dremel drill.  It was easy to adopt for children.  I’m thinking I want to try other shells this year.  The boys loved making these.  I loved playing with my dad’s dremel drill.  If only I had a real reason to get one.)

Things you need:

Shells (We used clam shells)

Dremel Drill

Glue

Glitter

Paper plates

Tooth pick

Ribbon or string

Drill a hole in the top of the shell.  Have the child dip the shell into the glue.  Have the child cover the shell in glitter.  (We did most shells in one color as well as mixing two colors together to get a neat effect.)  Clear the hole of glue and glitter.  Allow to dry.  Thread the whole with ribbon or string.  Tie the ribbon to make a loop.

Clay Ornaments

(These are so easy, simple, and fun.  Toddlers can even do it.  Now that I think about it, I might have the boys make more this year and work on decorating them in different ways.  The boys had lots of fun.  Keep on eye on these.  They can burn quickly.  Evan prefered the burnt ones.  I was less than thrilled.)

What you need:

Polymer Clay

Something to cut clay in a circle (I used a plastic Easter egg.)

Rubber stamps

Straw

Cookie sheet

Tooth pick

Foil

Ribbon

Have the child knead the clay for at least two minutes.  (For younger children, you may have to work with it too.)  Roll the clay flat to about 1/4″ to 1/2″ thick.  Cut out circles.  Use the straw to cut out a hole in the top.  Have the child press a rubber stamp in to the clay.  On the back of the clay, write the child’s name or initials with the year.  Cover a cookie sheet with foil, and place the ornaments on it.  Bake in an oven or toaster oven as it says on the directions. (275°F for 15 mins.  I think mine baked in 10 mins.)  Let the ornaments cool.  String ornaments with ribbon.

More craft and ornament ideas

Christmas crafts for kids, preschoolers and toddlers part 2

Winter and Christmas Crafts for Toddlers and Children

More Christmas Crafts for Children, Toddlers, and Babies

Christmas Crafts for Kids, Toddlers, and Babies

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