Evan: Oh my gosh! Ohmygoshohmygosh! OH MY GOSH! I have to go potty NOW!
We’re in the middle of Costco. The very middle of Costco.
Me: Ok. I’m putting you in the cart, so we can go fast.
I placed him in the cart and start jogging down the aisle.
Evan: I want to try that!
He’s pointing to a hummus sample bar.
Me: Later. I thought you had to go potty.
Evan: Oh my gosh! I do!
We got to the registers, where I looked for an out of the way place to ditch the cart. If I wasn’t already half though with the shopping, I would have abandoned it in the aisle. I pulled out the boys. Pushing Evan ahead as I wrestled with Sean’s new passive resistance technique, we managed to get into the restroom in the nick of time.
I shoved Evan into a stall, shutting the door behind us. I placed Sean on the floor and helped Evan pull down his pants and unders. I lifted the seat to realize the door was hitting my rear. I turned to Sean, who was trying to make his great escape.
Me: No, Sean. We’ll leave in a second. We have to close and lock the door right now.
I locked the door and turned to Evan to find – HE’S PEEING ON THE WALL! Are you kidding me?!
My mind reeled with all the stories of how disgusting men’s bathrooms are. How my brothers couldn’t pee in the toilet. How my husband talked about a ballpark’s restroom floor covered in piss. How the first time ck ever commented was to say women who pee on seats should be cursed with children who refuse to potty train. Not that I pee on the seat but that I will have to potty train my grandchildren because my son is so irresponsible.
I grabbed his hand and penis and pointed it to the toilet.
Me: (whispering sternly in his ear) Evan. We DO NOT pee on walls. We pee IN potties. Do you understand?
Evan: But I created raindrops!
Me: (through my teeth) I. Don’t. Care. WE DO NOT pee on walls. If I catch you doing that again, you will not be able to pee standing up anymore.
Evan: Ok, Mommy! Look, I peed in the potty! Don’t flush it until I leave!
Like the good woman I am, I cleaned up the piss before we left. I herded the boys back to cart to find that they already sent everything back to be re-shelved. And I thought about leaving.
Me: New plan. Everyone in the cart. No one complains, cries, whines, or hits, and I will buy the churro AND the berry smoothie. Everyone got it.