Lessons in pool use

Due to the city’s gushingly bleeding heart, thinking that increasing the two dollar fee for two weeks of swim lessons would break the poor’s back and therefore only had a handful of swim classes available, I didn’t get my boys into swim lessons yet this summer.  Yes, I’m a little bitter.  If you want, I’ll pull up a soap box to discuss why the city could raise it to five or ten dollars to hire more instructors and allow more kids the opportunity to learn to swim.  But that’s not why I’m writing this post.

As I bemoaned the fact of no swimming lessons for my boys this year to an older cousin, she asked why I didn’t teach them.  “I mean, Fae, weren’t you a swimmer in high school.  Weren’t you a lifeguard?”  Yes.  No, that was T, but I could see how you can assume that.  (Wasn’t this the year I was supposed to get my butt certified as a lifeguard for safety reasons?  Crap, where’s that To-Do list?)  Hmmm.  Teach my boys to swim.  I wonder if it’ll be like teaching Tornado E to write.  Insert mental day dream here: A skinny, wet three year old running from his mommy screaming “No, no, no, stay away from me. Grandma, help me!”  But that’s not why I’m writing this post.

So three weeks ago, I started taking the boys to my parents’ house earlier than normal to go swimming for an hour or so.  I researched online about how to teach your kid to swim.  Never has the chlorine betrayed me so much to damage my hair.  But that’s not why I’m writing.

Three weeks ago, I took the boys swimming with my brother M.  After we finished “swimming,” my brother mentioned he wanted to take us out for lunch.  I began to gather up my wet flock.

Me: Tornado E, come on.  You need to get dressed and go potty before we leave for Taco Bell.

Tornado E: I don’t have to go potty, Mommy!

Me: Tornado E.  You drank tons of juice.  I just want you to try.

Uncle M: Tornado E, tell your mommy you went pee in the pool like all guys.

Tornado E started giggling like a lunatic.

Me: (shooting my brother a dirty look) Tornado E, did you go pee in the pool?


Me: We don’t pee in the pool.  We get out, go to the potty, and come back to swim more.  Understand?

Uncle M: Fae, it’s what kids do.  Don’t you remember peeing in the pool during swim lessons?

Me: No!  That’s disgusting.

Tornado E: That’s disgusting! (returned to giggling like a lunatic)

Me: Thanks, M. Thanks a lot.

So what happened earlier shouldn’t have surprised us as much as it did.

My dad was helping me teach the boys to swim, which is now the new hobby.  For some reason, Tornado E trusts his Papi more than me.  Maybe it’s because Papi has less reason to drown Tornado E than I do, but that’s just nonsense.  My dad would force me to dive from his shoulders as he stood on the diving board.  My dad’s six foot one, and I’m terrified of heights.  The SOB would grab me as I tried to dash into the safety of the house.  I would never make my kid do something that scared the crap out of him just for fun.

Tornado E danced over to my dad who was sitting on the steps helping Tornado S kick, kick, kick.  Tornado E giggled like a lunatic as he hung on to my dad.  What tipped us off the giggling or the random hugging?  Well, it was both, and it still took us a few minutes.

Papi: Tornado E!  Are you peeing on me?

Tornado E: (giggling like a lunatic) YES!

Papi: Ugh!  Get off me!

Then my dad playfully threw Tornado E near me.  I pulled Tornado E up, holding him away from my body.

Me: Tornado E.  We don’t pee in the pool.  We don’t pee on people.

Tornado E giggled like a lunatic.

Being a lunatic myself, I believed that was enough discipline.

Until yesterday.

Tornado E was kicking around the pull in his ring, when he all of a sudden started kicking my way, giggling like a lunatic.

Tornado E: Mommy!  I’m going to pee on you!

Being the intelligent mommy I am, I answered: You’ll have to catch me!

Thus I tired him out by swimming away from him, forcing him to kick on his stomach, reaching with his hands to grab me as I paddled away, barely out of reach.

I have a feeling Tornado E will be giggling like a lunatic later today.

Oh, and Tornado S.  He waits until he’s out of the pool and then lets it go.

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12 Responses to “Lessons in pool use”

  1. ck Says:

    What a funny post!

    You totally need to get that stuff for the water that turns their pee red if they go in the pool.

  2. Lindsey Says:

    It’s too bad you’re not a guy, cause then you could just say “NOT IF I PEE ON YOU FIRST!” Bet he’d grow out of that QUICK.

  3. insider53 Says:

    Amp up the chlorine! Is there really something that will turn the pee red in the pool like ck suggest, use it if there is.

  4. Gibby Says:

    Ummm, remember that day you said I could come swim with you guys cuz the weather here sucks so much?

    Yeeeeaaaahhhh, not so sure about that now…


  5. KathyB! Says:

    I’m with Gibby… I will not be coming to your pool to cool off this summer. I’m sure kids pee in mine occasionally but they’re old enough to keep it to themselves!!

  6. faemom Says:

    For all my readers who think my parents’ own a tiolet. I would like to say that chlorine is an awesome chemical, which kills uriene the minute it comes out. Next time pay attention to a bleeding cut in the pool. No blood. Any ways, I just figured out that I will drag the potty out to the pool, and next time that little lunatic mentions peeing, I’m sitting him on the pot. I’ll have this out of his system by the end of this month. Damnit.

  7. faemom Says:

    ck~ I hear that’s an urban myth.
    Lindsey~ Funny you should say that. I actually heard those words out of my dad’s mouth yesterday. Eww. Of course, I know it’s an empty threat. I hope it is.
    insider~ The chlorine is pretty amped up already. For the first time in my life my hair is turning into straw from swimming every day. I grew up in the pool, so I’m a little weireded out. What next? Green hair?
    Gibby~ I’m touched that you remember that. I’ll break him of that habit.
    KathyB!~ You, too? I remember a lifeguard/swim instructer threatening us with itchingness if we peed in the pool, due to the “new chemical” recently added to the community pool. I wonder if that’ll work?

  8. Lindsey Says:

    You could always wrap him in a towel or something so he can only pee on himself whenever he makes the threat. (Sounds like what my parents would do. Although my dad seriously would be like, “you’re gonna pee? Let’s all pee.”)

  9. Lindsey Says:

    Oh, and have you ever gone swimming right after shaving your legs? OUCH. Serious chemicals. They mean business.

  10. Zeemaid Says:

    *LOL* okay I shouldn’t be laughing… cause it could happen to me… anytime… but *ROFL*

    nope.. no helpful tips here….

    I think the potty by the pool should help… *L*

  11. Ink Says:

    Funny! Also ewwww!

    I am really impressed that you are going to teach them to swim yourself. We have been trying that for awhile but finally gave up and just signed them up for lessons (will probably be writing a post about that later). Kudos to you!

  12. faemom Says:

    Lindsey~ LOL I’m working on this potty thing, but I’ll totally use the towel suggestion next and then the peeing one. You know I think the chemicals are getting stronger because when I was a swimmer in high school the pool never hurt my legs, eyes or hair. Now, OH THE BURNING!
    Zeemaid~ Glad I could make you laugh.
    Ink~ Since lessons are filled, I have to. I think the only reason it is working is because the beloved Papi and favorite uncle are helping.

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