Me: I don’t know, Mom. I think I’m coming down with something. I’ve been tired. And I’ve been nauseas all week, but then when it’s time to eat, I just gobble food down. Today I ate FOUR bean burritos from Taco Bell. Two of them before I even parked in the parking lot at work.
My mom: Have you taken a pregnancy test?
Me: What? No. We’ve only tried for one month (and only one time). No one who wants to get pregnant gets pregnant that fast.
My mom: Stranger things have happened.
My mom: So where you going for date night?
And so it stuck with me. As we ate at our favorite sushi place, I mentioned the conversation to The Husband.
The Husband: Maybe we should get one.
Me: That’s crazy.
The Husband: What’s the harm?
So we walked over to the grocery store, and I purchased the test. We went home. I went straight to the bathroom and used it.
I always wanted to make a short film of those three minutes. I checked the clock. I paced. I read the box. I drank some water. I checked the clock. I paced. I reread the box. I examined my face for pimples. I read the insert. I checked the clock. I paced. I drank some more water. I checked the clock. I checked the test.
Two pink lines stared at me.
I was pregnant. It hit me like the knoll of a bell, straight to the pit of my stomach.
That was how I learned about Tornado E.
Me: I’m ONLY three days late. It’s not like that has never happened before. My body does this sort of random thing. Tornado E, eat your eggies. Daddy made them just for you.
Tornado E: Eggies!!
The Husband: But you’ve been off the pill a month!
Me: And we only had sex one time. I think we totally missed the ovulation.
The Husband: How do you know?
Me: I don’t. Which is why I wanted to wait a month or two to get a handle on my cycle. Tornado E, don’t play with your food.
Tornado E: Eggies!
The Husband: There wasn’t a reason to. I asked you to get the test earlier.
Me: And I asked you to get a paycheck cut. When you forget to do that, I run out of money.
The Husband: Fine. I’ll go get it.
Me: Don’t forget to deposit the paycheck. (door slam) Your Daddy is so funny.
Tornado E: Funny!
The Husband: Here. Those things are expensive!
Me: Tell me about it. No, Tornado E. Play with Daddy. Mommy will be right back.
So I went to the bathroom and took the test.
One day I’m going to make a short about those three minutes. I checked the clock. I paced. I read the box. I drank some water. I checked the clock. I paced. I reread the box. I examined my face for pimples. I read the insert. I checked the clock. I paced. I drank some more water. I checked the clock. I checked the test.
Two pink lines stared at me.
I was pregnant. Damn. He has super sperm.
That was how I knew I was going to have Tornado S.
I texted: Sorry that it’s god awful early after your late night. But it’s day 32, though I went 35 days last time. Should I take a test?
BFF: No worries, I’m already up. I probably would. That sucks your body is messing with you.
Me: What are you doing up? I know you need sleep. I didn’t think about the day until now. At least I’m not on pins & needles like last month.
BFF: Yeah, no kidding. So did you make a decision?
Me: We’re going to the zoo today. I don’t know if I’ll have time to get the test today. It’s unlikely I’m preggers. But that’s how we roll.
BFF: Get the damn test.
The next morning I packed the boys in the car and drove to Wal-Mart. On a Saturday. Which is always a precarious thing to do on a Saturday, but at least we’re out early enough to beat the crowd. I hoped.
I looked at the tests, debating if name recognition was worth the price.
Tornado E: Mommy, what are those?
Heaven help me, I opened my mouth to actually say condoms. Honestly, I’m this close to being an idiot.
Me: Women things. Just for women.
Tornado E: Oh.
Me: Tornado S, stay in the aisle.
F* it. I’m saving the money.
Me: Come on, boys.
I herded the dancing boys to the register. While hygiene products are close to the registers, it felt like it took forever to get to them. But that was due to the ballet twins, not the item I was buying.
I ended up in the 10 items or less lane. I threw in a few pieces of candy, just in case Tornado E divulges the trip to anyone. The boys danced for the cashier and the grandma and grandson behind me.
Grandma: How old are you?
Tornado E: Four!
Grandma: Wow. That’s big. He’s five. How old are you?
Tornado S: FIVE!
Grandma: I can’t wait to see you when you’re ten.
Cashier: They are so adorable.
Me: Thanks. Come on, boys. Let’s go home and watch cartoons.
Tornado E and Tornado S: YEA!!
We got home, and I turned on Disney. I went to the bathroom. I pulled out the test. I read it. I reread it. I took a drink of water.
Not one to waste precious alone time, I grabbed a book. I used the test. I finished the chapter.
Tornado E: MOMMMY!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU?
Me: In the bathroom.
Tornado S: Juice pease!!!!!
Tornado E: Can we have popcorn?
Tornado S: Corn!!!
Me: In a second.
Which I guess meant yes, because they ran out of the room. I pulled up my shorts. I turned to flush. My eyes caught sight of the test.
Well, son of a gun. Two pink lines.