Homeschooling is not for me

“If there were no schools to take the children away from home part of the time, the insane asylums would be filled with mothers.” ~Edgar W. Howe

I don’t know how other moms do homeschooling.  I don’t.  I would murder my children.  I was thinking last night that centuries ago mothers did teach everything to their children at home, and then it dawned on me.  That was the reason so few of the children reached to adulthood.  It wasn’t the plague; it was moms being frustrated by ungrateful, whinny, temper-tantrum-throwing, not-listening, willful, disobedient children.  Or maybe it’s just my child.  Or maybe it’s me.  I’m fine with it being me.

Reasons I can’t homeschool my children:

  1. I don’t have the patience to deal with a child who doesn’t want to learn.
  2. If I can’t teach them one way, I can’t figure out any other way.
  3. I find myself using stupid threats, like feeding him to the wolves.
  4. I can’t make my child understand that the sooner he does it, the sooner he gets to play.
  5. Did I mention I don’t have the patience?
  6. I want to throw temper tantrums with him.
  7. It turns out I have a violent side that only rises after fifteen minutes of trying to get a child to hold a crayon the correct way.  (Don’t worry; I only wish to hurl the crayon across the house.)
  8. I would have to get on some serious medication.  Or start drinking.  And I’m pregnant.
  9. I have mood swings.
  10. I don’t have the patience!

I guess this is the part where I admit I had to force Tornado E to do a school project that he decided not to do at school.  (Point for it being my son’s issue.)  As the teacher knew I’m a concerned parent, due to the weekly meetings I have with her and the time I asked for all his work when he was out for a week, she gave me the project.  It was cut out a man shape to glue into a folded paper to be a jack-in-the-box.  Simple enough, right?  Insert hysteric laughter.

A half an hour of Tornado E saying he can’t, Tornado E going to a whining room, Tornado E going to a crying room, my dad walking out of the house, my mom trying her hand at it, my mom telling me to send him to time out, my threats that he’ll be there until he is done or until he dies whichever comes first, Tornado E FINALLY cut out the damn man figure.  Then it was twenty minutes over how he couldn’t make a face, he couldn’t make a smile, he couldn’t make eyes, the markers weren’t working, it’s just not right, I don’t want to do it.  I finally was able to let him glue it in the “box.”  Then I forced him to finish his “J” paper.  The horrors of being a four-year-old preschooler.  After an hour, he was free to run around, and I had the desperate desire for a shot of vodka.

I will happily PAY someone to teach my child.

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11 Responses to “Homeschooling is not for me”

  1. Ink Says:

    Tee hee, Fae. You are probably going to get more comments on this one than on the Fresh Beats one. 🙂

    Re: homeschooling, there are tools which educated/trained teachers *have* that I want my kids to benefit from. (I come from a long line of teachers, so yeah, I am totally giving them snaps here.)

  2. Court Says:

    bwahhahha! i sooo agree. i stayed with my sister for a few days recently and she homeschools and it was exhausting just watching it. it made me uncomfortable and want to have a margarita for her!

  3. Steel Magnolia Says:

    Just had a conversation today with a co-worker who does a homeschool hybrid (he goes to school 2 days a week). I thought, “What a great idea!” Then I realized that the other days would be me. Alone. In the process you just described. This is why I teach (alleged) adults.

    No shame in telling the truth, huh? 🙂

  4. ~Laura Says:

    Sooo laughing at the feeding to the wolves line! Can I borrow that one?

  5. faemom Says:

    Ink~ You know me. I strive to be Evenshine. I’m totally impressed by teachers and keep toying with the idea of getting my credentials when the kids are all in school.
    Court~ I think you should write a post on it. I would be fascinated to read an observer’s point of view, especially since we know you love your sis and her kids.
    S.M.~ I’m under the belief that other people’s kids will listen to you better than your own. Hopefully that includes adult kids.
    ~Laura~ Be my guest. I also have been known to say we’re kicking you out of the family and I’m going to leave you on the side of the road. I wonder what damage I’m doing.

  6. ck Says:

    I’ve started doing it this fall. My daughter is still in preschool, since we’re undecided if we’ll continue with Kindergarten. It was hard at first. She didn’t want me to teach her. But we’re part of a tutoring group that we attend once a week and you’d be AMAZED at what she’s learning already. She can count by 2’s all the way up to counting by 12’s. She’s dissected things. She can identify countries/rivers in Africa and Europe, she’s learned the history of the world up through the fall of Rome. And this is literally the two of us studying three days a week, for 10-15 minutes each day. Again, it’s not easy. And I don’t know that we’ll continue. But it sure is interesting.

  7. insider53 Says:

    I home-schooled my son but not the girls. He has ADD and had struggled all through grades k-6. So rather than letting him continue to fall through the cracks of our school system, which at the time had no programs in place to deal with this, I started home-schooling him. I had daily contact with a teacher who advised me. I thought it was the right choice at the time but in hindsight I am not so sure.

  8. parenting BY dummies Says:

    Yep, agree, 100%. Homeschooling blows. And, I say this in the nicest way possible. You know, having tried it for an entire summer and making it only to letter C!

  9. faemom Says:

    ck~ Now you’re just showing off. Brilliant writer, brilliant photographer, brilliant teacher. Pssht. Seriously, I’m glad it’s working for you. You’re a better woman than me.
    insider~ That’s amazing. I mean, you really stepped up to the bat and do some great mothering. You went far beyond what many mothers do. You rock!
    pBd~ My kid won’t even hold a crayon right for me.

  10. joz1234 Says:

    sounds like me trying to get Ernie to eat…
    I gave in.
    If only I could pay someone to feed him.

  11. Jenny Says:

    I really enjoyed this one. You are so funny. I like your blogs. It is nice to see an opinionated mother.


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