A Dark Secret

I have a secret.  It’s buried deep within me.  I don’t want it out.  But I think you’ll understand.

When I decided to get pregnant, I spent months agonizing over the decision.  I weighed the pros and cons.  I knew I wanted another child.  But was it practical?  Was it a need?  Was it a smart decision?  We’re in a rental home, and The Husband is rebuilding his business in a time of economic down turn.  I had my hands full with the boys.  I had other issues that I should be deal with.  But I still wanted that child.  It didn’t seem logical.  In fact, it was quite illogical.  Stupid as I made my list of cons.  I hate doing something stupid.  But there it was a calling to have another child.  A strong desire that I had only felt once when working towards college and picking the unpractical degree of Creative Writing.

So then I asked the really hard question.  Did I want another child or just a daughter?  If it was a daughter, then I might as well start saving for adoption.  I began research over adoption, foreign and domestic.  I continued to analyze my want.  In the end, I realized I wanted another child.  I be perfectly happy with another son.

So after months of praying, thinking, meditating, I told The Husband, who had no idea I was going through such a mental crisis, that I truly wanted another child.  He was already on board.  But since I couldn’t deny a little girl would be nice, I decided to naturally switch the odds in my favor.

Tomorrow I’ll find out if I did.

And I’m nervous.

What if I wasn’t really honest with myself after all that soul searching?  What if I truly wanted a daughter so bad my heart bled with want?  What if I’m disappointed that it’s a boy?

I wasn’t disappointed with the first two pregnancies.  I thought I could always have another.  With Tornado E, we found out the moment he entered the world and the doctor checked.  My mom and The Husband were so sure he would be a girl, but he was a boy.  I was so excited that I kept saying “it’s a boy” over and over again.  With Tornado S we decided to find out just so we could have everything ready.  The Husband, Tornado E, and I stared at the screen as the technician rolled the instrument over my belly.  She announced, “It’s a boy.”  The Husband asked if she was sure.  She was very sure.  I said, “We’re still buying a play kitchen.”  The Husband was worried I would be disappointed, kept watching for signs that I didn’t love the baby enough.

Any mother would find that preposterous.  How could I not love my baby to the fullest extent of my heart and beyond?  Boy, girl, it doesn’t matter.  It’s my baby.  So I know that if the little bean is a boy, I will love him to the point of breaking my heart.  And thanks to Raising Boys Without Men, I feel more comfortable with the thought of raising men who won’t run off and forget their mom.

But what if tomorrow there is just a moment of disappointment?  Just a slight part of a second where I realize I won’t have a daughter.  I think I will cry for that moment of doubt.  But to make it worse, what if The Husband sees that flicker of disappointment across my face?  Because he won’t understand.  He’ll always wonder if I don’t love my third son as much as the other two because he was another boy.

This is why I hate opening up presents in front of people.  Sure, there are things I truly want, sometimes expect to get.   But there’s that brief moment of empty disappointment over realizing you didn’t get what you want.  Sure, you’re extremely ecstatic that you got this awesome present from people who thought about you and love you, but it wasn’t really what you wanted.  Your voice sounds fake to your own ears as you thank them.  The disappointment fades off as you brag about the gift to other people, but you always wonder if the givers ever knew you weren’t really excited those first few minutes.

Part of me doesn’t want to know tomorrow.  There’s a chance hope will die.  But in its place will be love and excitement.  I wish I could know without anyone there, without worrying about what I feel or say or think or look like.  I just want to absorb the fact.  If I thought The Husband would understand, I would ask if they could just put it in an envelope for us to look at later, and then I could open it without anyone there.  But The Husband is super excited.  He hated waiting to find out Tornado E was.  I don’t think I could sell him on the envelope idea.

Doubt about God, Heaven and Hell, the brilliance of Shakespeare, I can handle.  I don’t know if I can handle doubting myself.

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16 Responses to “A Dark Secret”

  1. itneverrainsinseattle Says:

    I’ve been enjoying reading your blog for a few weeks now. Based upon what I’ve read so far, I’d like to start by stressing: I am nothing like your husband! (I’m a hands-on Dad who knows that you don’t feed kids brownies for breakfast, for example.)

    That said, your situation with the sex of your babies sounds exactly what my wife and I went through: we both always expected and wanted girls. Lots of girls. At my wife’s insistence, we didn’t find out ahead of time the sex of baby #1. I expected to be disappointed if it turned out to be a boy, but of course, I wasn’t… as soon as he arrived, I was overcome with love.

    Baby #2, we agreed to find out at the ultrasound, and yes, my wife was a little disappointed at the news that we were having another boy. But only briefly. And he was another beautiful, healthy, baby.

    I think my wife was disappointed that the first two also took after me physically — my blond hair instead of her brown hair, etc. Here’s what happened when we went to the ultrasound for baby#3:

    It was a boy. My wife’s face completely dropped. She was melancholy for the rest of the day.

    And then life resumed.

    I am not your husband. But I’ll tell you what happened with me and my wife: I *did* understand. And it’s all okay. And I have no doubts whatsoever that she loves our boys with all her heart. All of them. How could she not? And I think she’ll always be disappointed that we never had girls, but that disappointment in no way diminishes what we do have.

    The fact that child #2’s hair is starting to darken considerably also helps make up for the fact that baby #3 is starting out blond….

  2. Maureen@IslandRoar Says:

    Great comment above. I think we get a really bad rap by admitting we “wish” for a son or daughter. Sure we all want a healthy baby, but women are lying if they say they truly don’t care. We love the babies we have and we can never imagine it any other way. But it’s human, and okay, and lovely, to hope.
    I’m excited for you…

  3. jc Says:

    My BBBBFF has 4 boys. She went through the same thing, lordy how your words are like reliving those moments. Baby 1 = boy. OH JOY!!! Baby 2 = boy. OH, ok. Going for baby 3 to have a girl. Baby 3+4 = twin boys. OH SHIT.

    They are a rowdy bunch, alot of fun, but she does still wonder what she’s missing with a girl. We joke that she should have been having sex upside down or eaten less Wheaties for a girl rather than twin boys.


  4. evenshine Says:

    Waiting in joyful expectation doesn’t preclude a moment of shadow.
    Here’s hopin’ you get the result you want, and even if you don’t, I believe there are good reasons for everything that happens in this life. Blessings.

  5. Steel Magnolia Says:

    I’m so excited that I can quote Dwayne Wayne from “A Different World” here;

    “Sometimes you get what you want. Sometimes you get what you need. Sometimes you get what you get. I think God helps you handle what you get.”

    That seems an appropriate response to me. 🙂

  6. Coco Says:

    Oh, Fae, you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t wish for something and feel a tiny bit of sadness if it doesn’t come to be.

    Boy or girl, I know you’ll love Baby 3 with everything you have, which is a lot.

    But if it is a girl, can I send her a cute hat with a big flower on it? 😀 If it’s a boy, I’ll find like a little cowboy hat or something cool like that. I’m all about busting down gender roles, but flowery hats are just kind of a girl thing, yanno?

  7. TheKitchenWitch Says:

    I think it’s very courageous of you to admit your longing for a daughter. You are normal, and human, and will love child #3 tremendously. I’m thinking of you.

  8. joz1234 Says:

    I am currently going through much of the same thing. My head says I would love a third boy (and I will–I don’t doubt that for a moment because I love the two that I have), but there is that little part in my heart that is picking out girl names already. Let us know the outcome. You will love that baby no matter what. Babies bring that out in us. 🙂

  9. Fie Upon This Quiet Life Says:

    When we had the ultrasound for #2 a couple of months ago, I knew it was going to be a boy, but I really wanted a girl. I wanted a girl both times I was pregnant, but I knew I’d have boys. Cosmic trick on me. Anyway, when the technician confirmed he was a boy, I cried, and I cried pretty much all day. Hubby was very understanding and sweet.

    Now that the facts have sat with me for a while, I am content with my lot. I hope that the boys will be good friends. I will always want a daughter, but I’m never having more kids. Bummer.

    I’m sure that I will fall in love with #2 immediately. I’m really looking forward to meeting him. But I still wish I were having a girl sometimes. I think it’s probably natural.

  10. theycallmejane Says:

    I love all the comments above mine. I truly couldn’t add anything else. I’ll just admit that I was hoping (secretly) for another girl and God gave me what I needed – two boys! And they’ve been an absolute riot. I don’t know what my life would be like if things were any different. I’m having so much fun, I don’t want to know. Sending hugs!

  11. Ink Says:

    Did you find out, Fae? Either way, it’s going to be SO fun to meet that little cutie.

  12. faemom Says:

    First off, You all ROCK!
    INRIS~ Thank you for your kind words. It was very helpful before and after I found out the news.
    Maureen~ Thanks. You’re so right.
    jc~ You have no idea how thankful I am that I don’t have twins coming my way.
    evenshine~ I always believe that God gives us what we need, not what we want.
    Steel~ That was the Perfect response!
    Coco~ Flowery hats are a girl thing. I guess I should by one for me. 😉
    TKW~ Thank you!
    joz~ I was resolved not even THINK of girl names until the results. Looking wistfully at baby dresses, well that’s another story.
    FUTQL~ I know exactly how you feel now. The thought of vomiting through another pregnancy turns me off.
    jane~ I’m sure it’s going to be a blast.
    ink~ It’ll be so much fun.

  13. beth aka confusedhomemaker Says:

    I actually feared having a daughter. You can’t help feelings sometimes, but in the end you’ll grow to love your baby (as you already know) more than anything.

  14. zeemaid Says:

    okay did I miss what gender the baby is?

    I’m probably a little late commenting but for me I thought I’d be disappointed when I delivered #2 if she was a girl but I was just so darn relieved to get that baby out that it didn’t matter at all when it turned out to be a girl.

    With baby #3, we pretty much said it’d be nice to get a boy but if we had a girl we’re all set so that’s good too.

  15. faemom Says:

    beth~ I know you’re an amazing mom to your daughter and yours sons.
    zeemaid~ You’re trusting Mom Blog Network to post on time. Hahahahahaha. See, I figure by the time I get the baby, I won’t care because A) it’ll be out and B) he’ll be in my arms.

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