It’s 2 am

It’s 2 am, and I can’t sleep.  I haven’t slept yet.  And I’m thinking of you.

I can’t be reassured by your soft inaudible breathing (Tornado E) or your gentle snoring (Tornado S) because you’re spending the night at your grandparents’.  I’m not worried.  I still find their house the safest place in the world.  But I can’t kiss you goodnight and touch your arm.  And promise you I’ll do better.

I look back on the day and realized we didn’t DO anything together.  You watched cartoons as I dozed.  I made breakfast as you played.  You played as I cleaned the kitchen.  You woke Daddy as I got your clothes together.  I took a shower and got dressed while you watched cartoons.  Ok, I did get you dressed.  I picked up as you helped Daddy make his breakfast and your snack.  Finally, we worked together to pick up toys and pack for Grandma and Papi’s.  But there were no crafts.  There were no games.  There wasn’t a time that I devoted to just you.  When we were at Grandma and Papi’s, you played with them and your uncles or watch TV while I read a magazine.  So what did you get from this day from me?

I know that not every day can be packed filled with Mommy-full activities, but there should be more than just chores for us, even if they feel like a game.

When was the last time I played outside with you?  When was the last time you helped me in the kitchen?  When was the last time I sat down and played cars?

I get tired of having every day be filled with schedules, like we’re rushing around to get things done.  For what?  But if I don’t push, then we just sit in our pajamas playing with cars all day, and then I wonder what constructive thing we actually did.  I’m trying to find a balance.  Before the baby comes.  He’ll change a lot of things for us, but I want you to always know you come first, you’re special, you’re my little guy.

Alright.  I’ll be better.  I’ll make it a point to do something special each day, even if it’s just playing toys.  I’ll find the balance between housework and motherwork, between you and me, between the world and us.  Just give your mom a little patience because she’s working on a learning curve here.

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16 Responses to “It’s 2 am”

  1. Maureen@IslandRoar Says:

    Oh, I know how you feel. But we are so hard on ourselves. You sound like such an amazing mom. And them being big brothers will just add to the joy in their life.

  2. Fie Upon This Quiet Life Says:

    We read books together every night before bed. It’s the only time I can count on us being together every single day. The rest of the time, like you, we’re running around on a schedule. It’s really hard to find special time together with all the other things going on. You’re not alone!

    But don’t be hard on yourself. Get some sleep while you can, right?? Baby will be here before you know it!

  3. itneverrainsinseattle Says:

    You are an awesome mom, Fae. Your boys are so very fortunate to have someone who cares (and does) as much as you do.

  4. parenting BY dummies Says:

    I’m hoping this is the pregnancy hormones talking here. Making you feel all anxious and inadequate. I mean, I know I don’t know you IRL, but I think we’ve exchanged enough for me to know that you are a good mom. At the moment you are pregnant (very much so by my calculations) which means you are tired and not the 100% perfect version of yourself. You are allowed to be remiss in your participation in child centered activities a little bit. And, in fact, as hard as it is to accept (for you and for them) when baby comes things will be different. The little kids will get pushed over on your lap a bit (I mean you only have 2 legs, right?). They will have to learn to wait and be patient (yeahright) and be gentle and quiet and soft at times (things I know my boys struggled with at first). And, the new changes may cause you to get bitten, like literally bitten (that’s what #2 started doing when #3 showed up). But, it’s really just part of life. They will still come first, but they will be tied for that position with baby, at first because he needs you and then because you wouldn’t have it any other way. Okay, eff this…I’m sending you an email:)

  5. Ink Says:

    ((((Fae)))) Honey, you’re pregnant…you’re doing as much as you can! And it IS enough!!!

  6. Ink Says:

    And also, even if you weren’t pregnant, it IS enough. You’re a fabulous mom. I just said that to emphasizse the Please Do Not Spend One More Instant Worrying About Anything theme.

  7. joz1234 Says:

    Fae, I have a confession…
    you describe many of my days with my kids in this post, and I’m not pregnant. I do work part time, but when we get home after the morning’s work is done many times our life is exactly like your description.

    Fact is, I don’t think there is anything wrong with it. Yes, you should play with your boys, but you are involved in every aspect of their care 90% of the time. Not only that, your boys probablly play and fill that time most of the time without needing you to play with them anyway.

    Now, if your thing is that you just enjoy playing with them all the time, then I can understand this post, but give yourself a break, girl.

    I remember when Ernie was almost here, I went through a bout where I was so guilty that there would not be enough of me for both Bert and Ernie. I cried over it (totally hormones), but I truly didn’t know how I could ever possibly love Ernie as much as I love Bert. Is it possible you are going through something similar?

    I hope your mind quiets and allows you some rest. if you didn’t get it tonight, perhaps you’ll get it tonight. 😉 You are a great mom. Anyone that reads your blog can tell this.

  8. Jane Says:

    Hugs, hugs, hugs to you! You just voiced how I feel about every single day. Be easy on yourself – you are an awesome mom. The mere fact that you’re worried about not giving them enough “face time” is testament enough!

  9. TheKitchenWitch Says:

    You are so hard on yourself. (((hugs))) You are a wonderful mom and you are enough for them. Truly.

  10. clovertaco Says:

    I think as moms we will always feel this way. We are our own worst critics. Give yourself credit and I will take some of my own advice also. Great post. 🙂

  11. faemom Says:

    Maureen~ Thanks. I think we moms are hard on ourselves.
    FUTQL~ We read together every night and before naptime. You’re right. That is something. And I couldn’t believe I couldn’t sleep.
    INRIS~ Thanks!
    PbD~ Thanks for the comments and advice. I got to respond to your email.
    Ink~ Thanks, Ink. I keep forgetting I’m not super mom.
    joz~ Thanks. I watched them other night, and they were completely content playing without me.
    Jane~ I wonder if there’s a cure for mommy guilt?
    TKW~ Thanks!
    clovertaco~ It’s a deal. You give yourself some credit, and I will do the same.

  12. Gibby Says:

    Fae, you are the greatest mom! You do crafts for crying out loud!!! And write about it! 🙂

    We can’t be entertaining 24/7, we’d be burnt out before pottytraining. You are doing a fantastic job, don’t worry.

  13. beth aka confusedhomemaker Says:

    I have these moments too, it’s hard not to think about the moments that pass by that we don’t hold tightly too. But then I remember some of my fondest memories are of watching my mother going about her day, even if we weren’t doing things together I still felt connected to her.

  14. faemom Says:

    Gibby~ Thanks. But it’s not 24/7, they sleep too. 😉
    beth~ I guess we never know what will be a precious memory until it’s long over.

  15. zeemaid Says:

    I think we all have those moments. I know I could play with my kids more that’s for certain!

  16. faemom Says:

    It’s nice to know I’m not the only one riddled with self-doubt and guilt.

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