It’s 2 am, and I can’t sleep. I haven’t slept yet. And I’m thinking of you.
I can’t be reassured by your soft inaudible breathing (Evan) or your gentle snoring (Sean) because you’re spending the night at your grandparents’. I’m not worried. I still find their house the safest place in the world. But I can’t kiss you goodnight and touch your arm. And promise you I’ll do better.
I look back on the day and realized we didn’t DO anything together. You watched cartoons as I dozed. I made breakfast as you played. You played as I cleaned the kitchen. You woke Daddy as I got your clothes together. I took a shower and got dressed while you watched cartoons. Ok, I did get you dressed. I picked up as you helped Daddy make his breakfast and your snack. Finally, we worked together to pick up toys and pack for Grandma and Papi’s. But there were no crafts. There were no games. There wasn’t a time that I devoted to just you. When we were at Grandma and Papi’s, you played with them and your uncles or watch TV while I read a magazine. So what did you get from this day from me?
I know that not every day can be packed filled with Mommy-full activities, but there should be more than just chores for us, even if they feel like a game.
When was the last time I played outside with you? When was the last time you helped me in the kitchen? When was the last time I sat down and played cars?
I get tired of having every day be filled with schedules, like we’re rushing around to get things done. For what? But if I don’t push, then we just sit in our pajamas playing with cars all day, and then I wonder what constructive thing we actually did. I’m trying to find a balance. Before the baby comes. He’ll change a lot of things for us, but I want you to always know you come first, you’re special, you’re my little guy.
Alright. I’ll be better. I’ll make it a point to do something special each day, even if it’s just playing toys. I’ll find the balance between housework and motherwork, between you and me, between the world and us. Just give your mom a little patience because she’s working on a learning curve here.