The Worst Things of Pregnancy

My BFF has been on me about writing The Top Ten Worst Things About Pregnancy since I wrote The Top Ten Best Things About Pregnancy.  I told her I would write it soon but before I became too bitter.  She believed I should wait until I’m bitter to make the whole post more humorous.  The real problem is that I don’t think many women can come to an agreement on the worst part of pregnancy.  Every pregnancy is different, and then those hormones come along and wipe our brains clean of the horrors that were visited upon us.  So I’ll try to capture them all, and I hope there are people willing to add if I miss one.

Morning Sickness.  I hate hate HATE the first trimester.  I think I complained about it enough here, here, here, here, and here.  Oh and here.  To say I’m sick and tired through those first months is to miss the point of what I endure.  I’m drag-your-ass-through-another-grueling-day-to-daydream-about-sleep-instead-of-sex-and-naps-are-like-orgasms tired.  I’m please-Lord-don’t-make-me-loose-this-meal-hey-shouldn’t-that-be-digested-by-now-and-I-peed-all-my-pants-again sick.  Every pregnancy it has become worse, and to top this last pregnancy off, I became sick, making morning sickness take longer, just to make sure I’ve given up that crazy dream of four to six kids I used to have.  Goodbye, dreams.  (It should be noted that not all women have morning sickness, and they are lucky; while some women are sick with it through their whole pregnancies, and they are saints, especially if they went on to have another child after experiencing that.)

Heartburn.  It sucks.  Your favorite foods turn on you, just when you’re getting good and hungry.  You snack on TUMS just to get by.  I had it bad with my second pregnancy.  So bad, I wasn’t gaining weight, so my doctor had me take an antacid every day for the entire pregnancy.  Unlike many women, spicy foods don’t cause me to have heartburn; oatmeal and water do.  No wonder I’m always thirsty.  I know I’m about to start a fire with a gulp.

Sore Breasts.  I only had this with this last pregnancy, but I have heard many women talk about it.  It’s honey-don’t-even-stare-at-my-huge-boobs-that-you’re-drooling-over-because-they-hurt-when-you-look.  If this doesn’t show a sense of humor in designing humans, I don’t know what does.  You get this huge rack, and before you can test them out or let your husband play with them, they hurt like a bi-itch.  Fun times.

Sore Muscles.  There are a variety of aches and pains women go through, and many women experience different ones.  Many of my friends had horrible back pain, which sent them running for a massage.  (Which is highly recommended.)  My aches are the inner thigh and around my uterus.  Not so massage friendly.  I get to wear a stupid belt that some days helps, some days doesn’t.  But swimming is highly recommended for all aches and pains.

The List of Don’ts.  Nothing like having your favorite things taken from you.  Like alcohol.  Like caffeine.  Like sushi.  Like even sex in that last month.  Thanks.  Luckily your doctor will give you the ok to have a glass of wine every once in a while in the last trimester.  Maybe your doctor will let you have a cup of coffee or a soda if you’re good.  My doctor confided in me that the only reason to stay away from sushi is the fear of food poisoning, but I’ve never caught food poisoning from sushi, only chicken, shrimp, and fried fish.  (Yeah, you’d think that a bath in hot oil would have killed those suckers.)  But most doctors would agree, n o sex because no one wants you to accidently go into labor early.

Other people.  Now let’s say you got the ok to drink ONE glass of champagne at your sister’s wedding, someone is going to give you the stink eye.  Or you’re shopping, minding your own business when someone comes up to rub your belly like a good luck Buddha.  Or (my favorite) someone (stranger, family, friend, friend’s cousin) will tell you about a) a horrible birth experience (like you needed that), b) how she didn’t gain a pound (someone’s fibbing, fibbing, fibbing), or c) some helpful advice about pregnancy, labor, birth, or child raising.  Like you care.  I never had the pleasure of stink eye, and I always look f-ing tough that no one would dare place a hand on my body, but I’ve heard enough about horrible labors, lies about pregnancy and babies, and child advice to feel a book or a blog post.

Your Body.  Whether it’s desiring strange foods you never liked before, despising foods you usually love, or just feeling like your body has been high jacked, your body is not always your friend while you’re pregnant.  I always feel like I’m going through puberty AGAIN.  No one wants that.  My body is doing strange things.  I don’t feel pretty, much less sexy.  I have to buy a whole new wardrobe because I’m growing too fast.

Being Big.  I never had a problem being big.  My dad, a big guy himself, and I always had fun with it, even taking belly pictures together.  But I know my friends hated it.  They couldn’t wait to get that baby out of them.  (Not that they wanted early labors, just they were tired of being big.)  Even though I didn’t mind it too much, I was annoyed by it.  In the middle of the night, you have to wake up to roll because that belly is so big it needs a tractor pull.  If your baby is big or you’re tiny, you’re going to feel hard pressed to get a good deep breath in your lungs.  Sometimes you even out grow your maternity clothes.  I recommend swimming because if you feel like a whale, you’ll be graceful as a whale in the water.

Stretch Marks.  Some women are lucky enough not to get them, but the rest of us, not so much.  We become desperate to get rid of them with all kinds of creams, ointments, and even breast milk, smeared onto out bodies.  “Science” says there is nothing to be done about them, but who’s going to listen to “science” when it looks like a road map was imprinted on your belly?  When I was pregnant with Tornado S, I had an adorable stretch mark shaped like a butterfly on the front of my belly.  After Tornado S, it wasn’t so cute nor did it look like a butterfly.

Labor.  I won’t lie to those of you who haven’t had the experience.  Labor is scary, and it hurts.  As one female comedian said “Smart women don’t forget about that kind of pain.”  Smart women do.  I personally start freaking out a little the month before hand, but the day of, I freak out because I’m not ready as in “The blinds aren’t up in the baby’s room “ or “I haven’t bought him a coming home outfit.”  Basically stupid stuff.  I also have quick births, so much so that my dad suggested I become a surrogate.  Of course, I would have to forgo the first trimester.

So does anyone else have anything else to add?

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16 Responses to “The Worst Things of Pregnancy”

  1. ck Says:

    Other people suck.

    PS: Smearing breast milk? Did it work?

  2. joz1234 Says:

    One word: Hemorrhoids. Need I say more?

  3. Court Says:

    i had morning sickness the whole friggin’ time last time. just luckily it was full scale yakking but i think that was because of the zofran they prescribed me. lovely stuff i say.

  4. holeycheese Says:

    Wow.. many of those don’t even count as the worse ten for me.. Morning sickness sure does.
    And then there is Varicose veins (really bad ones), hemorrhoids, low bloodpressure that make me almost faint, tiredness that makes me feel I’m almost dying, this stupid awful itching that I get every time I’m pregnant, early contractions that stops me from doing as much work in the house as I would need,
    Wow.. I think I could make the list long.. oh well.

  5. Gibby Says:

    Ha ha, I love the Other People one. That is so true!!!! Hang in there, Fae, you’re almost there!

  6. suzicate Says:

    Ha, I think you about covered it…but soon you’ll be blessed with the joyous bundle who will make it all worth it, even the stretch marks and labor!

  7. Evenshine Says:

    Vaginal stretching. I KNOW I needn’t say more.

  8. faemom Says:

    ck~ Yes, they do. And no, it doesn’t. But I’m willing to try again.
    joz~ I completely forgot about hemorrhoids. D’oh!
    Court~ You poor thing.
    holeycheese~ And you’re doing it again?! I think you need to make your own post. Keep well!
    Gibby~ Like ck said, other people suck. I’m hanging in.
    suzicate~ I have a relatively easy labor; it’s the stretch marks that I debate.
    Evenshine~ It’s a myth. I’m sure of it. Lalalalalalala 😉

  9. secondsit Says:

    it amazes me how easily women still have interest in getting pregnant again after these ordeal. women indeed have higher pain tolerance!

  10. femspotter Says:

    For me, it’s hearing people ask again and again: what’s the sex of the baby? I don’t know yet so I can’t say; moms ask me this and I’m not showing yet – ? But I am a queer theory feminist so I do get sick of the implication that if she’s a girl she’ll be such and such, and if he’s a boy he’ll be this and that… I want for he or she to be whomever and whatever he or she pleases!!! My husband is coming to terms with the fact that a little girl can play with trains and baseball just like a boy; so why can’t everybody else?

    Okay, okay… sore hips are my other big lament!

  11. joz1234 Says:

    Oh, the itching!!! I hate the itching!! I had PUPPS after having both boys. Luckily the second time my zyrtec was able to keep it under control. The first time I had it, I took so much benedryl that my milk dried up by month 3. I HATE the itching. Still not as bad as hemorrhoids. The itching goes away.

  12. Sarah Says:

    I fully attribute my dwindling sex life to those damn stretch marks. In winter I look as white as the snow and those stretch marks look as red as hot lava right after I get out of the shower. When I’m avoiding MY OWN BODY in the mirror I know it can’t be good from someone else’s eyes either.

    Oh yeah…and everything else you said? Yup yup yup. But the stretch marks top the list.

    So why the heck do I want to do it all over again?

  13. faemom Says:

    secondsit~ We are also blessed with hormones to make us blessedly forget . . . until we’re smack in the middle of it again.
    femspotter~ Because other people suck, as I pointed out. I forgot about your sore hips, you poor thing.
    joz~ Wait, you had itching too? I thought it was just me. I get such dry skin that I have to start rubbing lotion on my belly, shuddering as I hear in my head “It puts the lotion on its skin.”
    Sarah~ I do not do sex with the lights on any more. Afternoon delight? Yeah, I don’t think so. Nice and dark to hide the stretch marks and the pooch.

  14. joz1234 Says:

    yes, but my itching was a full blown rash. Think poison ivy, but all over!! started on my boobs, then my thighs, legs all the way to the tops of my feet, neck, arms, tops of hands. I was miserable. That was the first time. Doc diagnosed me with PUPPS. Usually you get it while you are pregnant, but i got it after. both times. The second time it was not too bad because I was on zyrtec…my milk didn’t dry up from benedryl and I only had mild itching.

    It was horrid.

    but, I’d take it over hemmorhoids any day.

  15. faemom Says:

    That’s pretty horrible! That completely sucks.

  16. Jon Says:

    I could only wish the best and wished I was having a baby one day.

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