Dark Confessions

I wanted to write this post last week because it was bad last week, but then I stumbled on some truths that I didn’t know if I wanted to share.  Once I open my mouth, it’s like an avalanche.  Ask anyone who knows me.  But I feel I have to write because it’s going to seep in, like it always does every time, like smoke seeping into clothes, furniture and walls.  It’s seeping into me.

I noticed I was loosing patience with the boys.  It wasn’t like I had a hard day or they were being especially on the throttle.  I couldn’t smile when they were being actively cute-crazy.  I just wanted to be done.

Then I noticed I was tired.  Bone wary tired.  In a time when I shouldn’t be.  Even if I napped or drank lots of water, even if I took it easy.

Then I noticed I was sad.  Not sad in that was a sad movie or the sadness that comes from watching horrible events on the news that make you feel helpless.  No, this was a sadness that went to the core of my soul.  A depression.

Crap, I’m depressed.

Since I have a history of depression, I know I have to take this seriously.  I have to mark on my calendar when I’m depressed.  I have to analyze my thoughts.  I have to do something or I slip away, slowly but surely, from everything that I love and everything I am.

I’ve made a brief nod to my teenage depression, where it got so bad that I was actually coming up with plans of killing myself.  Frightening plans of when, Monday nights because everyone would be at the Boy Scout meeting, where, my bedroom, how, cutting.  I was able to ask for help when I realized I was starting to look for the perfect dress.  Stupid and creepy.

Then I had depression in college, but my parents were able to cue in the warning signs, insisting I go to a counselor, who helped me tremendously.

So last week when I began writing, I was going to say that I never was depressed during pregnancy.  I had the two bouts before, and I had a bout of post-partum after Tornado E.  But other than that I was fine.

Then I started thinking.  When I was pregnant with Tornado E, I insisted that The Husband and I start martial counseling.  We needed it.  We weren’t able to go more than a few times because I had a horrible work schedule that was never posted until the day before the week began.  You can imagine how hard it was to set a haircut appointment, much less a counseling appointment.

Then during my pregnancy with Tornado S, The Husband and I had our worst time in our marriage.  We fought a lot.  He would yell and call me names, but the worst part was he would just leave, disappearing how ever long he wanted, never calling, leaving me to worry.  I wanted us to go back to counseling, and he refused.  I went any ways, learning more about myself and about The Husband.  It looked like all Hell was about to break loose when The Husband all of a sudden reigned in the month before Tornado S was born and for some reason I never got post-partum even though I was waiting for it, ready to battle it.

(As a side, we did end up going to counseling for a year, a year after Sean was born.)

Now I’m pregnant again.  Even though I knew our marriage wasn’t strong to begin with (And yes, people, I debated, prayed, meditated on this little fact before I got myself knocked up).  Now there are other issues, like The Husband having to work in California weeks at a time (which I understood and we make the most of) and money is tighter than it has ever been in our marriage (which causes stress on both The Husband and I).  And now I’m depressed.

I want to rail against it because this is not the right time.  I’m pregnant!  I have two boys that depend on me to be strong and with it, ready to play and laugh, moving at the speed of light with them.  I have a household to run.  I have other issues I have to deal with, like the real possibility I’m co-dependent.  I need to be strong.

If money wasn’t so tight, I’d march myself into a counseling office.  But that’s not really an option right now.  So I have to come up with other ways to deal with this.  Don’t worry; I plan on telling my OB/GYN this week at the appointment so she is well aware of the situation.  The Husband has been informed.  I figure I should cram in some exercise somewhere into my schedule and make it a real point to actually be out in the sun to soak in some rays, since I hear that’s suppose to help.  And I might have to use you all as a sounding board as I try to work through this because the best therapy I ever had was just to talk.  I hope I don’t come off as bitter when I do.

I’m just so upset over the whole thing.  I really didn’t need this right now.  I don’t want to cry every day.  I don’t want to feel like a shadow.  I don’t want to disconnect.  Depression is a horribly selfish disease because you can’t look beyond that stupid disease no matter how hard you try.  The twist is that you no longer take care of yourself because you are the disease and you just want it to die.

So here I stand in front of you, not knowing what to say, wondering about how lame this post is, wondering if I said too much or too little, knowing it really isn’t my best work, worrying about what you’ll think.

Advertisements

23 Responses to “Dark Confessions”

  1. Lisa Says:

    You are so brave to have posted this! I’ve also been to those depths. Each time I get there (the crying, the yelling, the sleeping, the apathy), I get myself right back on my medication (I know I should stay on it all the time, but my insurance doesn’t cover Rx and those little pills are EXPENSIVE!). And I’ve even been on medication DURING pregnancy. Ask your doctor. Don’t try to fight it alone. Our kids deserve moms who don’t cry and yell. Good luck to you. (((((HUG)))))

  2. itneverrainsinseattle Says:

    Having dealt with depression, both having it myself and having people close to me with it, all I can say for now is:

    I’m here for you, and I’m absolutely certain that many of your fellow blogger family members are here for you to. Whether you need to vent, ask advice, or just sit quietly and know that we’re pulling for you.

    You will get through this.

    You are doing the right things to get through this.

    How can we best help you, friend?

  3. jc Says:

    many many hugs Fae. I’ve been there so many times I lost count. I know exactly where my self-destruct button is and have no problem pushing it, over and over.

    What Seattle says, how can we help you?

  4. Coco Says:

    ((((Fae))))

    I’m here. And boy, do I understand. Please let us know what you need. Anything I CAN give, I will.

  5. Mira Says:

    You should be proud of yourself for recognizing it. I have been told that you can start antidepressants during third trimester, don’t have to wait until after you give birth. Hopefully if you have good rx coverage that might be something your OB can do? Depression is a life long battle and I do feel like it is unpredictable when it comes on. Sometimes I’m left wondering why I can make it through horrible times unscathed and just be sitting here other times and it hits. I, too, am fighting the depression and marriage deterioration battle during the third trimester. I am with you in spirit. Keep us updated on your progress. You may have inspired me to make my own post!

  6. Amber Says:

    Oh, honey, I am so sorry. I developed pregnancy depression with my last guy and it was hard. Really hard.

    There are many psychologists/psychiatrists that do a certain amount of pro bono work, and, when money is tight, it is a nice place to start. Also, I’m sure you have done this, but, have you looked at if your insurance covers mental health? Many are beginning to, so something to check (if you haven’t already).

    On another note, do you have support around you? Family? Friends? Sometimes it is nice to have someone you can just call and cry to.

    I am worried about you. Depression is not an easy thing. It is rough for you and your husband. I will pray for you that you will find the help you need.

    Peace to you, my friend.

  7. Jane Says:

    Wondering what we’d think? That you are incredibly brave, very normal and still my hero. That fact that you were able to share this says so much about your beautiful soul. Sending hugs, love and support. Feel free to unload anytime. We’re hear to listen.

  8. ck Says:

    (((hugs))), Mama. You are a strong woman. You are getting through days that are tough and trying even under the best of circumstances. Keep talking about it. Keep getting it out. We’ll be here.

  9. Ink Says:

    ((((Fae)))) Totally here for you. Have battled depression since I was a teenager. Went on medication after the first was born and have stayed on it ever since (even during pregnancy number two). I completely understand how devastating it can be.

    Re: “Depression is a horribly selfish disease because you can’t look beyond that stupid disease no matter how hard you try.” Please try to let go of the idea that it’s selfish! It’s not, sweetie. It’s something out of your control. So please do NOT beat yourself up about it.

    So happy that you’re going to talk with your OB/GYN about it. And I agree with the comment about checking into your insurance benefits because counseling may be covered and medications too, especially if your OB/GYN refers you! (And if not, Walmart has lots and lots of prescriptions for $4 these days!!)

    But most of all, hugs to you. And as everyone else has said, we’re here for you.

  10. beth aka confusedhomemaker Says:

    You know I’m here for you. It mattered & made a huge difference when you offered to help me when I came forward about my PPD & I’m here to talk via email any time. And I mean that, day or night my time or your time.

    Remember that while this disease is part of you, it is NOT you. And it is good that you are recognizing the signs now during pregnancy versus going through this for months & then having it continue.

    (((hugs)))

  11. rakster Says:

    I’m listening and thinking of you too. You can never say too much and we’re not judging – we’re reading and sharing with you.

  12. suzicate Says:

    Good for you that you recognized the signs, and have reached out by writing. Don’t try to work it out alone. Let your family, friends, and even you cyber friends help you through this. I know depression is not easily explained to one whos never been there, but it is REAL. Please, don’t go at it alone…we are all here for you…write it out if it helps you work through it. Writing was always my best therapy.

  13. faemom Says:

    You are all wonderful friends, and I thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I’ve never told people like this. I’m usually a go it alone kind of person with just a wingman or two, so it was surprisingly nice to have you all support me like this. It makes the load easier to deal with. I promise to talk to my doctor and to look into my insurance a bit more. (I reread the mental health section like two months back, in mom years that’s like five.) I’ve never been put on meds before because I responded so well to therapy, but maybe my hormones have changed with pregnancy. It’s another option I didn’t even think of. I just didn’t want you all to wonder what happened if I started to spiral in dark circles; I’m actually surprised that the next two posts are humorous. I guess it’s in the genes.
    Thank you again. Know that I love you all.

  14. Gibby Says:

    (OMG, this wasn’t in my blog reader, I’m so sorry for not seeing this!)

    The timing is never great, but you must take the time to take care of yourself, Fae! You are such a strong woman, for recognizing the symptoms, admitting their reality, and for talking about it. You are such an inspirational mother to your boys and you have done such a good job with them. Put yourself first, if just for a moment. We are all here for you! ((Hugs))

  15. clovertaco Says:

    I never understood “depression” before I had a baby. I would mostly think horrible things like “snap out of it” or “just get over it” – I know, really insensitive – but then I got pregnant and well…karma’s a bitch. I understand the darkness / heaviness / sadness / tiredness that comes over you. I understand the deep dark hole that surrounds you and prevents you from seeing any light. All I can say is hang on. Hang on with all you have and know that people care about you. You are strong enough to get through it. Talking about it is the hardest part and you did that. You are strong!

  16. joz1234 Says:

    How am I just now seeing this post?? I checked blog reader yesterday!

    Oh Fae! I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way! I’m also so relieved that you realize your feelings and am certain you will pull through this! I’ve read you long enough to tell that you are a wonderful person and a fabulous mother. You get the help that you need and we are all pulling for you! Also, we will always lend you the ear that you obviously need without judgement. We care for you friend!!

  17. Court Says:

    HUGS hun… love to you and thnks 4 this. –me holdng baby now… bye.

  18. TheKitchenWitch Says:

    Oh honey, I know where you are. Like Ink, I’ve struggled with depression all of my life. It is able to cast shadows on every corner of your life. It’s debilitating and exhausting and makes you feel so, so alone.

    You aren’t alone. Realize that. And this post is NOT lame, it is brave. We are here to listen whenever you need us.

  19. faemom Says:

    Thank you again to all my commenters. I feel so lucky to have you all. It’s nice to have a great big circle of friends to talk to. Thank you!!!!

  20. Sarah Says:

    You are not alone. Depression, sadness, gloom is nothing new, nothing rare. Feeling it in the middle of the other messes that are just our daily lives is incredibly frustrating, but you are a wise, brave woman for not only recognizing it for what it is but also sharing it with others.

    Well done, girlie. Many hugs and well wishes!

  21. faemom Says:

    Thanks, Sarah

  22. ~Laura Says:

    So many of us have dealt with this disease. You shouldn’t feel bad for talking about it. That is brave of you! Get it out. Unload. That’s what your internet friends are for! Sending you hugs and well wishes. Hang in there. You are headed in the right direction.

  23. zeemaid Says:

    Wow. It’s so amazing that you shared all this. No one will think the worse of you for sharing your emotions etc. It makes you a “real” person instead of just a name on a page. So many of us deal with depression and it’s a good thing that you can recognize what’s going on and can start to take steps to deal with it. Reaching out is such an important one. I am sure your obgyn will have some suggestions for you.

    I myself am trying to take St. John’s wort to help elevate my moods. It’s supposed to be a natural mood lifter. Maybe that’s something to consider… not sure if you can take it when pregnant.

    Hang in there gal. You are still a great mom/wife/friend!! Hugs.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: