Sometimes I worry myself

Dear Brain to Mouth Connection. 

We need to talk.

We need to add a few things to those censors of yours, other than religion (because with your very liberal Catholic ways, you’ll offend someone) and politics (because with your very liberal and every once in a long while conservative thinking, you’re bound to offend someone).

I know.  I know.  You’re better than Mom’s, but that’s not saying much.  It’s like the guy who teaches his kids racial jokes but tells himself he’s better than his dad because his dad was a card caring KKK member.  So yeah, comparing yourself to Mom’s lack of censoring isn’t saying much. At. All.

Please don’t tell any one that you don’t need to clean for your in-laws because you have a “Program.”  Sure, you’re house is cleaner, but you often forget to follow all the way through with the Program.  Like when was the last time you dusted?  Or even swept the bathroom floors?  “Don’t ever speak ill of the Program!  The Program is rock solid!  The Program is sound!”  But only when followed precisely.  That goes for the Bill Program.  So when you laugh and say you have a “Program,” you sound f-ing smug and forget to mention your house could fit into someone else’s house with room to add a basketball court.  And no one likes a smug mama.  Including me.

While we’re at it, what the hell were you thinking when you told another mom your family doesn’t qualify for the scholarship AFTER she was talking about her financial woes?  Now you look like an @ss.  The sick thing is that when you add in the bills you probably have less money to kick around than she does.  AND she already thinks your rich.  I don’t know what gave you away; the lack of haircuts on the boys, the Target maternity pants that you’re praying don’t get holes in them in the next two to three months, the fact you haven’t gotten a hair cut when you needed one three months ago.  At least you tried to mend the burning bridge you just torched with adding, “but we have a lot of bills, a LOT of bills.”  Yeah, I should have made you slap your forehead for that stupidity.

Remember how you were complaining to your BFF, who understands the stupid things you say, about not being able to close the deal on friendships?  This is the stuff that’s probably f-ing you up.  I’d make you read Dale Carnegie again, but that dude f-s you up too.  What with the complete change of every technique you learned to start a conversation and make friends. 

So let’s review:

No talking about religion. 

No talking about politics. 

No talking about having a clean house (Since you’ll eat those words when the baby comes any ways.) 

No talking about money (Just listen and nod). 

And maybe we can have a friend we can actually meet for coffee or something.  You can Thank Me Later.

Thank Me Later Thursdays are brought you by parenting By dummies.

And is any one else getting worried that I have complete conversations in my head?

15 Responses to “Sometimes I worry myself”

  1. thenagainphoto Says:

    Not worried at all! I do it too and I even yell at myself from time to time. Someone has to keep the cuckoo in order around here! Thanks for linking up. I heart you!

  2. unabridgedgirl Says:

    I’m pretty sure we all put our foot in our mouth more than we realize…and usually all on the same subjects! XD

  3. Maggie Says:

    Wow. That was totally…Wait a minute, Does my smarter self have a blog here and I am not aware of it?…me.

  4. itneverrainsinseattle Says:

    Having complete conversations in your head? Nothing to worry about.

    When you start giving yourself information that you didn’t know before? Hmmm….

    Here’s one. The other day, I was reading the blog of a bloggy friend of mine who was observing the antics of her dog who eats everything that isn’t locked away in her house, then goes into the neighbors’ house and eats everything there (including a birthday cake, turkey dinner etc.), then comes home and destroys a treasured stuffed animal that belongs to her daughter. And the gist of the post was, “well, that will teach my daughter to leave things on her bed in her room without closing the door.”

    Or, words to that effect.

    And I knew I shouldn’t post a comment… I tried not to… because I do like my bloggy friend… but I couldn’t stop myself.

    “Really? If your kids want to keep anything, including inorganic, inanimate objects, safe from a mauling, they’re going to have to close their bedroom doors every time they walk into or out of their rooms? Really?”

    I shouldn’t have posted. I knew it, I knew it, I knew it. But I just felt so bad for the daughter. And I understand people get funny about their pets but… really? Really?

    So, add to my own list: no talking about how people handle their pets.

  5. joz1234 Says:

    Glad to know I’m not the only one who worries about having conversation starters. I’d agree we should leave those things off too. I’ve said some pretty stupid stuff as well, so don’t feel too bad.

  6. Syma K. Says:

    Fae, first of all I hope your pregnancy is going well. Don’t worry about those holes in the maternity pants, people just notice the belly when we are pregnant…and the boobs.
    And yes we all have conversations with ourselves.

  7. Lisa Says:

    Great discussion! I, too, suffer from brain conversation thing. I think it has to do with being a Mom for so many years, and being surrounded by little ones all the time, I crave adult conversation, so I just talk to myself! I sooo relate to your being unable to ‘close the deal on friendships.’ I’ve been preoccupied for 22 years raising kids, and my youngest is still only 5! Maybe I’m a commitment-phobe? It’s just so hard to find the time/energy to meet someone for coffee or lunch. With the exception of my BF from college (who lives in another state), most of my friends these days are the online type. Is that bad??

  8. TheKitchenWitch Says:

    As one who consistently puts her fat foot in her big mouth, I feel your pain.

  9. Maureen@IslandRoar Says:

    Somewhere in my early 30’s I decided I spoke out too much and needed to censure myself. Fast forward a decade and I was too censured. As I approach 50 in a couple years, I think I may finally have it right. But don’t quote me on that.

  10. Jane Says:

    I suffer from foot in mouth disease, too! So glad to hear I’m not alone!

  11. zeemaid Says:

    arrgggh… I always worry about things I’ve said later. Sometimes I think I’m completely socially inept so I know exactly what you mean about the closing the friendship deal.
    I have to give myself mental pep talks too. *L*

  12. faemom Says:

    pBd~ I know exactly what you mean. And I heart you too.
    unabridgedgirl~ I think you’re right. I just feel I need a delete button on my mouth.
    Maggie~ Perhaps. The Internet is a big space.
    INRIS~ LOL I would have said something snarky too. We’ll add no talking about how people raise their pets AND children as long as damage isn’t involved.
    joz~ It’s conversation enders that I worry most about. 😉 I think I’ve gotten past the point of “Sooo when are you due? Oh, um, that’s your last baby, the three year old. Well, he looks healthy.”
    Syma K.~ Thanks. I thought I was the only one conversing with myself.
    Lisa~ I’m right there with you. And I can’t claim being stuck in “children world” for 22 years.
    TKW~ We need snarky shirts or wrist bands.
    Maureen~ I wonder what’s worse: noncensorship or too much?
    Jane~ I’m reminded of a joke on the Andy Griffith show, where Andy lifts up his shoe and looks at it and Opie asks what he’s doing and Andy replies “See that big foot there? I was wondering how I can get that whole thing into my mouth.” Or something like that. I wonder the same damn thing.
    zeemaid~ I’m starting to wonder if we stopped talking so much to ourselves, maybe we’d have more friendships . . . . or not.

  13. wild4words Says:

    I have foot-in-mouth disease too and my only solution is to keep food in there first… makes it harder to say the things I seriously know I shouldn’t. That is until I get to my blog and then all kinds of crap falls out onto the page. Yay.

    Nice to know we’re not alone, huh? 🙂

  14. faemom Says:

    And here I thought I was just upgrading from having an imaginary friend. So, it’s IS nice to know we’re not alone.

  15. femspotter Says:

    I already have trouble relating to other women so it’ll be interesting to see if I get better at it or worse after my baby is born. I’ll be tired and cranky and stressed some days…but I tend to be at my best in crisis mode so maybe I won’t have time or energy to worry about what other women think of me, which is probably 90% of my disconnect: my own insecurity. That mother probably flinched when you mentioned not qualifying for the scholarship, but in my experience I usually hold onto the strange things I say much longer than anybody else does. I doubt she’ll see you again and think, “There’s that stuffy, rich bitch!” 😉 And if she does and you can see it in her demeanor, then she’s not worth talking to. (Does that sound defensive?)


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