Ray of Sunshine

I learned a lot about myself when I became a mother.  Actually I learned that I had a few gifts in more abundance than I thought.  I had more patience and energy than I ever thought I possessed.  I could roll with the punches with ease.  I could take deep breathes and channel some inner peace during the fights, cries, and whines.  I could be up most of the night and dance all day.  Sure there are days when I’m crashed or at the end of my rope, but they’re not every week or day like I assumed they would be before motherhood.  I thought I would take up smoking, have kids addicted to TV, and drink a few shots after I put the little demons to bed.  None of that has happened . . . yet.

So when I started to feel the darkness growing around me, pulling me into a life-sucking muck, I was pissed and scared.  I didn’t want to give up what I had.  I’ve been done those dark roads before, and I didn’t know how I could be a good mother while fighting to get out of bed, fighting to smile, fighting to move, fighting to feel.  And I told you all about it, and I was amazed by the outpour.  I wasn’t looking for comfort, just throwing a bottle out in the sea to know that I wrote it out, I spoke out those words, I still had a voice.

The good news is it’s been three weeks since I’ve felt depressed.  I don’t know what changed.  Sure I got out in the sun more, and I made sure I always added thankfulness to my prayers.  But I never did much exercise.  I never got around to going to church.  (Sleep or church; sleep or church; sleep or church; guess which won?)  Instead I kept my finger on the pulse.  I faked being normal.  Somehow my hormone levels must have balanced out.  I have my energy back.  I don’t feel sucked of life at the end of the day.  Granted, I’m tired as hell,  but I’m hugely pregnant, so I figured that’s the reason.

Thank you to all of you.  I’m still on guard for post partum.  My doctor is still keeping an eye on me.  But I’m glad I’m able to meet the rest of my pregnancy fully armed and ready to roll.

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12 Responses to “Ray of Sunshine”

  1. Maureen@IslandRoar Says:

    So glad to hear it! I had depression after my first and waited for it with the girls. But it never came. It’s awful, huh?

  2. Jane Says:

    I am so glad you’re feeling better. But even more – I’m glad you are so aware and prepared about it all. So wise! I admire you. 🙂

  3. Fie Upon This Quiet Life Says:

    I have found that self-knowledge and self-examination are hefty ray guns against that awful nemesis, depression. It sounds like you are doing the right things and paying attention to your body and mind. Good for you! AND good for the fam. The old saying is true – if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

  4. thenagainphoto Says:

    GD it! Some blogging buddy I am that I friggin’ missed a chance to be supportive and helpful (not that I am) and sweet and nice and complimentary and stuff. You shoulda sent me an email saying, “Hey Dumb D-bag over there in your self absorbed world of going to blogging conferences and crap, can you come check on your bloggy BFF, I could use an ear!” Seriously, woulda gotten up from that dry chicken hotel lunch and run to my laptop for a faemom uplift. Glad it worked out without me, but still a little offended that you didn’t reach out to me. I thought we were cool. I thought we had something. I see how it is:). Still heart you though and hope that things go smoothly until the end.

  5. ck Says:

    I’m so happy to read this. I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately, and have been pulling for you.

  6. faemom Says:

    Maureen~ It’s a bitch.
    Jane~ I’ve walked the dark path before, and I also knew a mother who went through depression when her daughter was in middle school. The mom felt so guilty, even years after the fact. Some guilt I can live without 😉
    FUTQL~ Thanks! No one wants a grumpy mommy. Grrrr.
    PbD~ But I like hearing about the blogging confrences! Besides you can help me guard against postpartum.
    ck~ Thanks. That means a lot.

  7. Gibby Says:

    OH!!! I’m so HAPPY! I’ve been thinking about you, too. So glad you are feeling better.

  8. Rakster Says:

    yay yay yay,

    i echo the sentiments of above. I’ve been reading but all has been quiet and glad to hear you’re feeling good…

  9. joz1234 Says:

    Alright! So glad to hear this!!! How did I miss this post??!! Anyway, I am so happy to hear you are rising above those demons (the depression, not the children…but you knew that.) 😉

    I have not experienced depression as you have, but with my miscarriage I discovered that for me, it is much better to have it out there and get the love from others than it is to keep it in and try to battle it alone. I’m so proud of you. I only hope that if you ever start to feel this way again, you can trust in the fact that we will all be here to help you as much as we can.

  10. femspotter Says:

    I think everything comes full circle. Your baby is almost here and you’ll be ready, emotionally. You know it. 🙂

  11. zeemaid Says:

    phew I am so glad you’re feeling better emotionally!

    YOu’re a great mom!!!

  12. faemom Says:

    Gibby~ Thanks.
    Rakster~ I should read more silently so I can cover more people. I feel like I’m missing people.
    joz~ Ah, thanks! I’m still amazed at all the support. I guess I shouldn’t be though. You all are awesome.
    femspotter~ That’s an interesting but good point.
    zeemaid~ Thanks. I rise to fight again.


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