Last night I went to a parenting class. It’s a free six week course, and they’re offering childcare. Apparently, I’ll go anywhere and do anything for free childcare. While I want to save the parenting classes for another post, I was struck by what one of my friends said in class. She felt disconnected and just surviving. She was lost. And that broke my heart.
Then I realized how disconnected I felt from my boys. I know I’m in a different place. I’ve got Aidan tearing out huge chunks of my time because he has to as the infant. But I look at what I did today. At first I was pretty unhappy. We worked on workbooks and played I Spy. What the Hell? That’s all the fun I had with the boys? That’s all I did to interact with them other than to nag them to clean up, to eat, and to get dressed.
But then I started really going through my memory. Sean helped me make blueberry muffins as Aidan swung in his swing. Evan helped me bathe Aidan when Aidan spit up all over. I read several books to the boys. I cuddled with Sean as I fed Aidan. Evan and I discussed his dreams. I watched them build in the sand. And of course, I nagged them, dumped into a bathe, convinced them to eat dinner, and did a few chores to keep the house somewhat clean.
That’s not all I want to do. We haven’t done a craft in weeks. Or a science experiment. I can’t remember the last time we played cars or a board game. Again, I get that Aidan comes first and that sometimes I have to do things to survive, like turning on the TV again because I need them not to try to kill each other again while I feed the baby. I just know that if I don’t have fun with the boys I’ll just be stuck on surviving, and I can’t just go day by day like that. I need to be connected.
So I thought maybe I should try to make getting things done more fun, like making breakfast with Sean and bathing Aidan with Evan. Maybe I shouldn’t be rushing to get things done all the time. Maybe I should be enjoying the adventure of it all. That and we really need to get back to a morning routine so that I’m not shouting like a crazy woman to get everyone dressed and out the door so we’re not late again.