Back in college, I noticed a strange phenomenon that I had. After a particularly grueling week of tests and/or papers, my brain kind of shut down the next week. I couldn’t motivate myself to do any thinking. I couldn’t read; I couldn’t study; I couldn’t write. God forbid I had to do anything that next week because I would have to pull from the very depths of my being to do Any. Thing. After a few weeks of this habit, I realized what was going on. I called it my Psychic Block.
I learned to work around it. I manipulated my classes and work to compensate. I vegged the weekend after a hard week, so that I wouldn’t fall into the malaise the next week at work. It’s why I demanded to go honeymoon somewhere we had already been. Even now, the Psychic Block pops up a day after a hard day of mothering.
As I talked to my BFF the other night, I realized I had another Psychic Block on my hands. I can’t bring myself to read hours and hours of blog post like I used to. I love my favorite bloggers. I love reading about their lives, their dreams, their families. I often think of them as friends. I love reading new people. I love learning from all these amazing people. And yet, for the last couple months, I can only force myself to read a little at a time.
And there’s a reason. Some of you might remember me talking about fighting demons. And I still am. My marriage is on the rocks, hanging by a thread, deep in a coma. And when I read about my favorite bloggers and their happy lives, it hurts my soul. I think I might be jealous. Happy for you all but jealous.
I don’t want to go into it too much now. I’m sure I’ll talk about it when I know which way it is all going down. I’m trying to take responsibility for my end of things. I’ve realized I’ve made mistakes, and I’m fixing them. I’m realizing how much I love my husband and how much I would like our marriage to last. But it might not work out. He doesn’t know what he wants, and he has inflicted severe damage on our relationship. I do know if we stick together, we’ll have to reinvent our marriage and work on some major defects in ourselves. I’m ready for the challenge; he’s not.
Every day I wake up alone to a baby cooing and two boys playing, waiting for me to feed them and take care of them, waiting for me to give them the signal to jump on the inflatable mattress their dad sleeps on in the home office. All day I play the happy mother, trying to keep myself from getting locked in my head, remembering good and bad memories, playing future good and bad scenarios, analyzing his ever word and action, questioning his motives, crafting a thousand speeches. Like I said a couple of weeks ago, there’s all kinds of crazy in my head. On top of that, I’m trying hard to keep myself sane and healthy and becoming better than I am. Every night I fall asleep alone listening to the sounds of baby breathing and praying for answers, strength, and wisdom.
So my friends, don’t give up on me. I’ll get around to reading and commenting more and more. Every day is a new day. And a Psychic Block does not live forever.
August 30, 2010 at 6:01 am
Remember when we’re blogging we can leave out the hard stuff, selective memory. No one has the “perfect” marriage or even one that isn’t rocky at times. It’s more like marriage is a ship on the water, sometimes the water is calm & other times it’s a massive storm. Making it through the storms isn’t easy but I pray that you will be able to.
August 30, 2010 at 6:36 am
Oh fae! I am so very, very sorry. This took a lot of bravery for you to share, and I just hope that you know, we will be here when and if you need us to listen. I’m thinking of you and your wonderful kids.
August 30, 2010 at 9:10 am
Oh, honey. I’m so sorry things are so hard for you right now. We are here.
August 30, 2010 at 10:51 am
I’m really sorry you’re going through such a hard time right now and I really hope you two are able to work it out. I feel for you, I really do!
I completely understand what you mean about it being hard to read other blogs out there right now. The other day I was directed to the Feature Blogger on SITS who on the surface of it appears to be everything I’m not. She crafts, organizes her home, makes gourmet meals and takes photos of it etc all while playing harmoniously with her kid. I really really wanted to leave a grumpy comment about how I just feel 2 inches shorter as a woman… but I didn’t…. but I didn’t read her blog either.
Lots of hugs and prayers to you. Zee
August 30, 2010 at 3:30 pm
You know I love you. I just wanted to let you know I check your Blog a few times a week and think of you Daily. Wally and I care so much about you and your kids.
Just remember, you are strong, smart, beautiful, a GREAT mother and everything a woman should be.
August 30, 2010 at 6:55 pm
Oh my dear sweet Fae. I was where you are now – about 15 years ago – playing the loving happy mom by day and then a shriveled, weeping mess by night. Hang in there. The mask by day is important, to protect your children but please say you’re able to take it off each day in order to process and work through this horrible, difficult time. Hugs, hugs – and oh these seem so inadequate – but more hugs from me to you. You are so brave, so wonderful, so loving. Wishing you peace.
August 31, 2010 at 1:03 am
I am so sorry to hear that things have gotten this bad. It’s lonely enough being a mom sometimes without having to deal with relationship difficulties with your partner. I hope that you can get through this difficult time with strength and wisdom. Hugs to you and your family!
September 1, 2010 at 12:08 am
again another heartfelt blog that reminds me that you are human too.
I hope you continue to draw strength from the good things that are happening (like the smell of your baby’s hair and the beautiful cooing) while you work through all the rest of it that isn’t great.
… thinking of you..
September 1, 2010 at 12:49 am
[…] I’m suffering from what Faemom (one of my favourite other mum / mom bloggers) refers to as Psychic Block: a lack of motivation following my exam and end of semester on the weekend. This follows on from a […]
September 1, 2010 at 7:23 am
Fae, I have always chuckled at the idea of blogging because they are just snippets of our lives. When I write, I usually write about the snippets that I want to remember, because time has been flying so fast that I am so afraid I will forget these funny, good things because sometimes the bad things loom largely over them and block them out. I have always valued the honesty of your blog.
I am so sorry that you are going through a rough time. We are always here for you, whether you read or not. Put yourself first, Fae, and use your writing to help you release your frustration or figure shit out. My thoughts are with you!!!
September 3, 2010 at 1:41 pm
Aw, sweetie — somehow I missed this post. But retroactive billions of hugs to you!!!!