I’m absolutely dead serious here. Dead. Serious.
The Husband is pretty sure that I’m exaggerating, but then he hasn’t been here in over a week, and he was not here this weekend when it happened. Oh, no. He thinks I’m being melodramatic (as usual), and we’ll discuss the pros and cons of the situation when he arrives home later today. Ok, I admit I’m making him look more patronizing than he is. But then he’s acting like I’m exaggerating, and obviously I don’t. (See quote to the right of the screen.)
This weekend I learned a) Evan can use the mouse to find and open up the zombie program that has no visual clues that it is “Plants vs Zombies,” b) my boys are willing to fight to the DEATH to gain control of the mouse and the game, and c) when I pull the plug from “Plants vs Zombies” my boys act like they are possessed, withering around, speaking in tongues, heads spinning. The power of Christ compels you!
So zombies have eaten my boys’ brains. Which is sad because they were such bright boys.
Now my mom, when she hears this, will smirk and say “I told you so.” Not helpful, Mom. Not helpful at all. How was I to know that this obsession would be more powerful than all others? Remember when Evan was a dinosaur and answered everything in roars and then spoke in asides to translate to me? Remember the months of Kung Fu Panda with Kung Fu kicks, hours of “Kung Fu Fighting.” and the need to go to McDonald’s to collect every figure? (Though we missed two) How about the recent obsession of The Princess and The Frog and Dr. Facilier? Or the Mario Brothers and Bowser obsession that is in direct result of my mom’s Wii playing skills?
The only way to cure an obsession is time and distractions. Easy, right? Except that when I got out of the shower and was dressed, I realized it was quiet in the house. Too Quiet. Instead of them painting the cabinets with nail polish, gushing blood, sneaking into the cookies, eating chocolate milk powder, spraying the house with perfume, I found them in the office with the door closed, playing zombies. (Actually they were looking at the zombie almanac discussing the various abilities of different zombies.) Are you kidding me? “Hi, Mom! We tricked you!”
I’d lock them outside in the back yard if it wasn’t so damn hot, if we had grass, and if our yard was larger than a normal size living room. Ok, if it wasn’t so damn hot, I’d lock them outside.
So I’m doing basic manuevers. I’ve got a list of things they can do when I’m busy with a baby and don’t include screen time. I just hauled home a half-dozen books from the library. I will force them to help me cook and bake in the kitchen. If all else fails, I’ll slather them with sunscreen and throw them outside with a couple of buckets of water and ice.
Damnit. I will get my sons back. No zombie can defeat me!
Failing that. I always have a third child.