Anxieties and Accidents

I knew the separation was going to hit the boys hard.  Their daddy wasn’t going to be there in the middle of the night.  The Husband didn’t think it would be that bad.  Maybe an outburst or two.  He figured that they would be used to him going away for two weeks and being back for two weeks that this would be cake.

But it wasn’t.  They’ve been sniffing the air, testing it, knowing something isn’t quite right with their family.  Tornado E asked one day months ago, “Daddy, why do you make Mommy cry?”  Here we thought we were having our tough conversations with them tucked in bed asleep.  Or the day after The Husband decided we needed a separation.  Tornado E said, “Mommy, is Daddy going away to live in California forever?”  “No, Baby; he’d never leave you.”  Or later that day when Tornado S said this, “Daddy, you don’t go away.  We need you.  We ALL need you.”  This was months before we even decided on the official separation and before we even told them.  So yeah, I knew it would hit them hard.

It will be two weeks from tomorrow when we told them.  Tornado E has peed his pants once a day, if not twice, since then.  Tornado S is having accidents almost every day too.  I don’t know how I can reassure them any more.  We hug them and love them.  We whisper our love into their ears.  We’ve kept the Saturday Fun Day with the family going.  My mom gushes over them, holding them.  But the accidents keep happening.

Any suggestions?

8 Responses to “Anxieties and Accidents”

  1. kloppenmum Says:

    Time. I know it’s a clique, but it’s true. And try not to get angry about the wetting. Lots of soft, warm eye-contact, might help too. Eye-contact is huge for bonding. Good luck.

  2. Ink Says:

    Fae, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with me, but somehow I missed your mention of the separation before this. Just retroread until I found it, and CRAP! I am SO FREAKIN’ SORRY that I didn’t know until now because I didn’t get to tell you that I’m sorry for what you’re going through.

    I’m SO sorry for what you’re going through.


  3. jc Says:

    Give him an extra hug from me. And here’s one for you. ((((FAE))))

  4. incognitomom Says:

    Fae – I’ve been MIA for a long time now and am just learning of the separation. Oh girl, please know that I am sending you hugs and lots of love and prayers for strength and whatever else you need to get through this. I’ll pray for the boys too because I know this is really hard on them. I’m so sorry this happening to all of you. I know I have never met you in person and I haven’t been around the blogosphere lately but please email me if you need to talk. I may not have any answers for you but I can be a good listener if you need someone to just let it all out.

  5. Fie Upon This Quiet Life Says:

    We’ve had a lot of accident problems with eldest, even before we started having difficulties. Basically, we just put him on a schedule of having to take a bathroom trip every two hours whether he wanted to go or not. After a couple of weeks of that, he was able to be more in touch with his natural signals that he had to go. I’d guess it’s harder to do that with two boys that are using the toilet. But it’s worth a shot. Maybe you could have them go together and pee standing next to each other. Make it a game of who can pee the longest (or shortest).

    Eldest still has to be woken up overnight to go to the potty, or he will pee the bed. He just sleeps so deeply that he doesn’t wake up at all if he needs to go. So we wake him up before I go to bed every night — around midnight — and take him to the potty. He’s used to it by now, but for a long time he would just cry when we woke him up. It’s a pain on all of us, but we’re doing a LOT less sheet laundry. For a while there, it was every single day!

    I’m really sorry that the boys are reacting this way. But this has got to be very, very hard on them. Poor guys! Poor you!

  6. faemom Says:

    kloppenmum~ Thanks for the advice. I wish I didn’t show how dissappionted I am.
    Ink~ No worries. Better late than never, eh? 😉
    jc~ Thanks. I will.
    incognito~ Thank you so much.
    FUTQL~ I’m thinking you might be right about the schedule. I’m trying a rewards chart now. And Evan has yet to stop wetting the bed, which is why he’s in pull-ups at night.

  7. Brea Says:

    Fae, I went through this with my Eldest when I separated and consequently divorced my ex. She was 3, and had been potty trained for about a year. This set her back for a while, but, with a schedule, we worked it out. I didn’t make a big deal out of it, just told her that everybody stumbles sometimes, and falls backward. Just to get up, try again, and keep moving.

    Time, love and maybe, don’t make a deal out of it. Just treat it like any other normal thing. It’s like falling down, sometimes kids cry harder if you pay a lot of attention to it and make a big dramatic deal. If you just say “Whoops! Accidents happen,” then maybe they’ll recover faster?

    It worked with my Eldest, but each kid’s different. You do whatever works for you and the boys. You’re their mom, and you know what’s best for them.

  8. faemom Says:

    Brea, thank you for the advice. I needed that.

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