This year has flown by. And I can’t wait for it to be over. Except there’s still crap that is leftover to deal with. This year my marriage crashed on the rocks, taking on water, leaking oil. This year my mom found out she had breast cancer, went under knife to rise and find she needs to go under again and needs both radiation and chemotherapy. I have been in depression for most of the year, starting with the pregnancy hormones and ending with the situations I find myself. If it wasn’t for Tornado A, I would call it a year and bite my thumb at it.
As for my resolutions, no dental insurance and no savings. Damn. But I did get something published. For a buck. Hey, we all have to start somewhere, right? And I am a tad more organized this year than last. Just a tad.
I have other things to be proud of too. I’m really working hard on my co-dependence, saying my affirmations and doing my exercises. I’m meditating and praying more. I stopped myself from saying something stupid in a heated discussion with The Husband yesterday. I’m determined to work out a way to deal with my anger and become less stressed. I’m trying to yell less and do more eye contact.
So what do I want to promise myself now?
Maybe I’ll work on my weight because the pounds just fall off when you can’t eat because of depression and you’re in constant motion because you have three boys to chase after.
Maybe I’ll work on that organization stuff. I still get the occasional pink bill and I still haven’t figured out how to motivate myself to file.
I’ll keep trying to get published and become a better writer. I’d like to get back to doing crafts with the boys.
We need dental insurance and better health insurance. God, we need to save.
And I think about what I’m up against this year, and I get a little scared.
My husband and I are separated. We can’t trust each other; we have all these theories about why the other person is not right. We stare at each other in a stand-off. Maybe this is the year I get divorced. Maybe this is the year I have to make huge changes to be a better wife.
My mom has cancer. It’s not as bad as it could be. But it’s scary. I don’t want her to be sick. I don’t want her to die. I selfishly think about what I’m going to do without her watching the boys every once in a while. I know my mom and I don’t have the best relationship. She’s co-dependent too. She’s tactless and vocal. She tries to protect me because she thinks she knows what’s best. And I have to change that. All the while she’ll be battling cancer.
Then there’s me. I need to make it a point to go out by myself and with friends. I need to be able to get out and do something active. I need to be able to balance my life so I’m enjoying it and not rushing to get it done. I need to have me-time. I need to let myself be and not be so hard on myself. I’m even thinking of getting my teaching certificate.
It all seems like . . . A Lot. So I guess my resolution is to make my life whole and healthy. To make me whole and healthy.
Now I just have to break it down into smaller goals. Hmmmmmm.