Parenting classes have started again. For those keeping count, this is the third session of six-week classes. Most of us have been together from the beginning, with one exception (and they were at the last session). It is nice to be surrounded with smart, funny people being driven slowly insane by parenting. While I’m sure the class has great value, I go for the entertainment.
Dad A: So when do you suggest we start corporal punishment?
Dad B (in response to what would make your child feel treasured): Long dresses. That’s all she wants.
Dad B (giving me helpful advice on how to get Tornado E to leave the school without a battle): Get in the car and drive around the block. I guarantee he would never do it again.
Mom A: I learned to speak softly
Me: And carry a big stick.
Mom C: We have four children, ages 6, 4, 2, and 2 months
Dad B: And no TV.
The teacher: What?
Me: You know, because they have four kids. (turning to the mom) They have some really great TVs for reasonable prices and DVDs too.
Me: I have three kids. 5, 3, and 10 months next week.
Mom E: So you haven’t slept in years, either.
Me: Oh, I have long ago decided I didn’t need sleep.
Mom B: I get it. No sarcasm on the children. But we can still use it on our husbands?
Next week I’m going to count how many times our teacher raises her eyes to the heavens and says, “They don’t pay me enough to do this.” We are going to do what countless of parents sent by the state have failed to do . . . send this woman to early retirement.