There was a time in my life, a long time, where I didn’t give a damn about what people thought of me. If you liked me, fine. If you didn’t, that was your problem, not mine. I knew my faults, loud, difficult, tactless, stubborn, independent to a fault. In other words, I can be a real bitch. I understood that I was going to rub some people the wrong way, and I would have to accept that. And most of the time, I did try to get along with people.
Then I met The Husband. And he cared what people thought. He cared very much. But he always insisted that he didn’t care what other people thought of me, he liked me for who I was. But he very much cared what people thought of his girlfriend, of his wife. So I worked diligently to gain the respect of his circle and his father. I only succeeded with friends outside the circle. By being me. Once I started to give into the pressure to be liked by other people, a part of me died. And I hated who I was when I was with those people. And I hated them for causing that change. And I hated the pressure I was under to be the perfect whatever.
When I started this blog, the anonymity allowed me to be who I really was. It was a step back to being the person I was, meeting people by being who I was and not apologizing for being who I was. (Though I’m still trying to figure out why criticizing a crappy kid show brought down the fury.) I’ll admit that I do get a little intimidated when I start to think how many people might be reading this that actually know me. Not that any of them would be surprised that I’m crazy or a bitch. But still. Yet this place is often where I can lay down the mask and open the dark parts of myself to the light in hopes that someone, somewhere understands and nods back before I put the masks and the armour back on to do battle with the outside world.
But a couple of months ago. Some one outted me.
This jackass posted a link to my blog on a false complaint with false rumors about The Husband. The jackass “claimed” to be doing it because he sympathized with me. Um. BS.
Not only is he slandering The Husband.
Not only is he trying to destroy the welfare of my family.
Not only is he using my blog to hurt the father of my children and to bring down the very entity that puts the roof over my kids’ heads and the food on our table.
He outs me as The Husband’s Wife. Not my name. Not who I really am. Just His Wife. Because ever since I was a little girl I only wanted to be known as A Wife. In fact, I would bet the jackass doesn’t even know my name, even though he has been to my house (The Orange One), I’ve cooked him dinner, I’ve taken care of his dogs for a day.
We’re not sure how this jackass found out about the blog. It certainly wasn’t through me. Now that the chaos is mostly over, I felt easier to talk about it. I didn’t want to throw fuel on the fire when this BS hit the web. I didn’t want to acknowledge the BS and give it power. I did begin to wonder who really was lurking around the blog, waiting for me to say something that could be used against my family. I tried to figure out how any one, ANY ONE could link this blog to my family. I debated whether to shut down the blog or not. That debate lasted 30 seconds when I realized this was My Space and I’ll be damned if I let some jackass ruin it for me. But then I did notice how I began to censor my writing, cutting myself into pieces, editing myself.
I’ve decided not to do that any more. So F them if they can’t take a joke.