It feels like forever. Because it kind of has been. I haven’t posted anything since Friday. And we all know Friday is kinda half-assed anyways. Then I missed Thursday and Wednesday as well. Right now, Tornado E isn’t working on his workbooks; Tornado S is not cleaning; I’m not fixing my crack snack or making phone calls. But I miss writing.
I never not written. Even in days that drowned me in emotions or something blocked my way. If I wasn’t writing on the blog, it was in journals. If it wasn’t poetry, then it was stories. If it doesn’t come out my finger tips, the stories run around in my head, looking for a way to come out. I know if it bad when I try to take over the Star Wars characters instead of letting Tornado S lead the game. I don’t share creative control well.
I had perfect plans.
Last Wednesday we went to the family cabin to spread my uncle’s ashes. While not all of the clan was able to make it, the vast majority was. Tornado E, Tornado S, and Tornado A ran around the forest with their cousins until it rained, and then we ushered them inside. We were going to do the ceremony right after lunch, which took a while with 35 adults. But everyone was waiting for my grandpa to arrive. (He never did nor answer his phone, telling my dad the next day the weather looked too bad to go. Fine. Then tell someone.) When they gave up on my grandpa, two of my cousins disappeared with their girlfriends. Since it was their dad we waited. (Either I’m getting old or I’m envious because I was annoyed by the whole thing.) Then when we decided to start, it rained and rained and rained. Finally around 3pm, I mentioned to my dad and a few uncles we needed to get rolling, rain or not. We didn’t get into town until 5pm. I was planning on 3pm, leaving me time to write. As it was I passed out watching a traditional 4th of July movie, Jaws.
But then there was Thursday! I’ll write on Thursday! It was Tornado E’s birthday, and I planned to take him to do ceramics. Surely there will be plenty of time to write afterwards. But after a shouting match with my mother over some silly court case that didn’t affect us, I realized I was overly tired and needed a nap. Then Tornado E dragged his feet. We had a swell time and decided we had to paint the giant cookie jar shaped like a cupcake next time. By the time we got back, it was time for swimming, then dinner, and the rest. That night I swore little dwarves were trying to pick-ax out of my skull.
The weekend! I’ll find time then! But there was nap time and video game time and movies and cleaning and parenting and reading and chasing toddlers. Sunday afternoon was the torture of getting the boys to clean. I was ready to hang myself. As it was, I completely lost my cool and turned into my mother. (A friend posted on Facebook: “If you would just listen and do something the first time I asked, Mommy wouldn’t have to lose her sh*t.” Amen.) After cooling down, apologizing, getting the troops to organize, the afternoon had slipped away.
Monday found us in a long line waiting for vaccines for Tornado S. Sure, the law says insurance companies have to cover it, but since I don’t have it in writing and when I call to ask I get this recording, “Any verbal confirmation of benefits is nonbinding,” I am in total belief that they are going to screw me over. Again. So I’m willing to go to the county health clinic, wait in line, pay a fee, and get the vaccines. The nice part is the clinic is in the same shopping center as a 50’s dinner, and nothing soothes the pain and distrust like an ice cream sundae. We’ve done the clinic run several times, which took less than an hour. Leaving time to write. But the main school district starts August 2nd! (Yup, read that again. Sucks. Thank God I pulled my boys. I’m not ruining my birthday with a first day of school.) So the place was packed, and there was a rather large amount of adults getting TB tests. Is there an outbreak that I don’t know about? By the time Tornado S was vaccinated, and everyone was filled with ice cream, it was time for swimming. Another day lost.
Yesterday was a perfect storm of busy. Everyone I knew had a million things to do. Including me. All plans intersected on this day, not in completion, but just to screw with my life. The morning was family counseling to help the boys through the divorce. Then I quickly ran to the grocery store for a few things I didn’t have time to get on Monday. Then it was a breather or really more torture as I forced the boys to do their school work before their playdate and an errand or two. The afternoon disappeared as I rushed to the other side of town to do orientation in hopes to join the teaching program this fall. By the end of the day I was overwhelmed and intimidated by my future. But isn’t everyone once you start grasping the concept? I chose to only do the dishes and spend several hours talking to parts of the varsity team.
So here I am, desperate to write as Tornado S kicks the exercise ball because he doesn’t want Tornado E to call him names. Tornado E has reported he is too afraid to work downstairs alone in the bright, sunny dining room. My heart is breaking. (To quote Tornado E: That’s sarcasm.) I’m being torn away by Tornado S’s need for attention. I’m thinking if I don’t start on my lunch I won’t eat at all. I wish I could snack a couple of hours like I used to do to read and write blogs.