My Own Advice

Me: (Laughing) Ok.

As I had buckled Tornado S into the car, he gave a long monolgue laced with pauses in the middle of sentences and a few stutters and heavily accented with the toddler accent.  It took a moment to understand the whole thing.  Skylanders and Star Wars.  I waited until he was done before I shut the door and turned to my friend, the mom of the Sweet Girl (Tornado E is attending the same school again with her.), who was waiting to say goodbye.

My friend: You’re so patient.

Me: That was what suprised me about motherhood.  I found out I had more patience than I ever imagined.  But I’m sure you know that.

My friend: Uh-huh.

Me: You also learn that when the rubber hits the road that you have what it takes to make it through.

A gong sounded inside me.  That gong that sounds when you hear The Truth.  Not truth when learning science or history, not truth in someone’s story, not truth in faith or politics.  But Truth that you understand something so profound.  Like the first time you see your child and you know what unconditional love is.  Truth.

I know that my world is going to shift and move and buck like a wild horse.  I’m worred.  I’m nervous.  I’m scared.

I know mediation is just around the corner.  It needs to happen, but I fear it’ll turn nasty and that I won’t be prepared.

I’m about to start school again.  I need to get a good job, and this is the way to do it.  But I’m worried that I won’t be able to juggle everything and do it right.

It’s only a matter of time before I have to hand over some custody, and this is good because he is their father and they need to be with him.  But I’m worried for my boys who will be under some one else’s care that is not mine.

The rental company may not accept my return offer.  I may be moving within a month on top of starting school and mediation.  I’m nervous I won’t find a place as nice, as big, as perfectly located.

I’m not big on change.  I like taking one step at a time, even though I freak out over step 5 before starting step 1.  I’m great in a crisis, but when I look down the road at the chaos coming at me, I start to freeze.

So when the rubber hits the road and I’m learning to take one step at a time, I have to remember that I have everything I need to make it through just fine.


One Response to “My Own Advice”

  1. Fie Upon This Quiet Life Says:

    That’s a lot to deal with all at once. Good thoughts coming your way!

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