Well, actually …

Sometimes I wonder if I come off as a Know-It-All.  I can’t help it.  I’ve got so much information crammed into my head that it spills out.  And I have to tell people.  (I know.  Is it any wonder that I fought the teaching gig so long?  It’s like the ending of the Luke and Darth Vader duel in Cloud City.  “You must join me.  It is your destiny.”  “I will never join you!”  Of course teaching is a much better gig than being a Sith apprentice so I didn’t plunge into poverty.) 

Like I was saying.  I’ve always been like that.  Historic Halloween costumes, people, since middle school.  (Except the year I was an ancient Egyptian.  I refused to shave my head, and my mother refused to let me wear that revealing of a dress.)  And in high school drama, whenever someone had a question about a period costume, how to build a prop, or which flowers were which, they came to me.  In my junior year when my drama teacher announced my joke award (as opposed to the awards we voted on like Best Sets or  Best Actor), she called me “The only smart blonde I know.”  My senior year my award was “Person to Know Everything (But Even if She Didn’t, She’d Go Find Out).”  In college, the circle would often say,”Go ask, Fae.”  (They also said “it’s a Fae thing” a lot too, but that that’s a whole other story with just as many digressions.)  And now within this group of friends, one of them as decided to nickname me Google and often says “Go ask Google” and then points at me.

Now take the new setting I am.  With people who don’t know me but have known each other for the last three years.  Um, how many times do you correct someone of their misinformation?  Because it kills me to let it go on.

At Halloween, as I volunteered I heard the craziest things from the kids.

“In China, they eat dogs and have cows as pets!  Isn’t that weird?”  (And all the kids eww.)

And I scream in my head.  No.no.no.no.NO.

“Ok.  No.  That’s not right.  Well, some people do eat dogs in Asian countries.  But if your parents were too poor to buy any meat, then they would buy what they could.  And you would be too hungry to argue.  As for the cows, that’s India.  Cows are not pets.  They are sacred.”

“But dogs?  That’s so gross.”

“And they would find pizza gross.  We’re all different, and that is perfectly fine.”


“Halloween is Satan’s birthday!”

Oh, Christ!

“No.  No.  Halloween is an ancient holiday about remembering family members who have died.  It has nothing to do with Satan.”


“Nothing to do with Satan.”


“Barak Obama is a socialist.  He’s ruining the country.”

Oh GOD.  What are these parents saying to their kids?!  Breathe.  Just Breathe.

And the moms can be just as bad.

“I don’t buy anything with growth hormones in it.  That’s what’s causing early puberty.”

“Well, growth hormones don’t transfer through the milk.  So there are no products with growth hormones.  Puberty is caused by the amount of fat in the child’s body.  Unhealthy diet equals more fat earlier.  More fat earlier in life causes early puberty.”


“I don’t allow my children sugar after 3pm, or they’re up all night.”

Now, I could be wrong, but since drugs leave the body in about 4 hours, I assume food does the same.  But I do know . . .

“Sugar is like any other food.  It’s fuel.  The reason kids get amped up on sugar is because the environment.  Like birthday parties.  Lots of cake and ice cream and candy and TONS of excitement and stimulation.”


“I stopped buying things with preservatives because they’re just not good for you.”

Hey, isn’t that your kid eating a Little Debbie cake from his lunch box?  Sigh.

Some days it’s hard to decide if I hate or love the internet.

(Post coming up.  Convincing my mother not to believe every spam email that comes her way.  Or any of them.  Convincing my mother not to believe in any spam mail she gets.)


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