I’m a little annoyed with certain people on Facebook right now. Or I should say I’m annoyed by a certain behavior that a few of my Facebook friends exhibit. Let’s call it the “Perfect Parent” behavior.
It starts out with those memes. “Like if your kids are the best kids in the whole world.” “Like if your kids are your whole world.” “Like if you love your kids more than anything.” God. I’m not a fan of the “like if” craze any ways. I mean of course I hate cancer, support the troops, hope that kid’s parent stops smoking, hope that kid gets his/her dog/pony/elephant. And of course, my kids are my favorite kids that I love more than any other kid in the whole world. Well, except for that little girl in Monster Inc. I’d take her in a heart beat. Perhaps over my kids. Maybe.
One day I’m going to respond to those posts with “Like if your kid’s acting like a brat and you want to lock him outside until he learns some manners but I love him anyways.” Yeah, that’ll show them.
But those memes aren’t even the worse. There some really weird ones. I especially hate “You’ll be his first love, his first kiss, and his first friend. You are his mommy, and he is your whole world. He is your little boy.” First off, I added the comas. I was going to leave it as it appears all over Facebook and Pinterest, but then I developed a tick. Second, no. No, no, no. There’s something so off and weird and f-ing wrong to say you are your son’s first love and first kiss. Because when we say “First Love” and “First Kiss” as in “my first love” and “my first kiss,” we do not mean our parents, who loved us unconditionally and covered our bodies with kisses and loved us to pieces. When we say “my first kiss,” we’re talking about that awkward first kiss from someone who likes us and not a family member. When we say “my first love,” we talk about that first person we fell in romantically in love with, not our family members.
On top of this, the people who do these meme on my Facebo0ok are people I know. Most of them are crappier parents than I am. I’m sorry, but you can’t claim “World’s Best Mom” or “I love my kids more than anything else in the world” if you let your ex take them from you and rolled over so that you can live your life without them. You don’t get to be a crappy parent and act like you were awesome. (Ok, you can. But people like me can call you out on that BS. I’ll be happy to.)
But my favorite annoyance is the friends I know in person that I know about them who write personal things like “I just caught my kids reading and giggling an hour after bed time; how can I punish them when they’re so darn cute.” Really? It’s easy. You do. It’s a school night; they broke the rules; you handle that. Also, I wouldn’t say punish as much as discipline them. Or “My oldest two have reached the age where they don’t fight anymore, and now the second and third are always fighting.” Unless your eldest has moved out of the house, which is doubtful because he’s seven, this is just a phase. Which I couldn’t help myself and wrote. (The “it’s a phase” part because I try not to be a total bitch on Facebook.) Tomorrow those two are going to have a huge fist-flying fight over a stupid toy that you have double of. Because they are siblings. Or my favorite favorite over the last week, “Oh my god, my kid woke my up at 7:30; I don’t know why she’s up so early.” Don’t even f-ing talk to me. Don’t. Until you have a child starts screaming for you at 5:45, don’t even mention an early morning wake up call.
(Not really in the same category but still made me want to type something was a friend complaining about how her 2yr old threw her shoe out the window on the freeway as my friend drove 85 miles an hour. Questions: Why was your window down while you drove the freeway? Why were you driving that fast with your window down? Why were you driving that fast around the town on the freeway? Did you learn nothing when you got your first speeding ticket on your 16th birthday all those years ago?)
In conclusion, we all know you love your kids, we all know your kids are awesome, and I don’t mind seeing and liking millions of cute pictures and cute little tidbits about your kids. Just let’s be authentic. Or at least humorous with our lack of authenticity. Also, you can’t claim you did an awesome job parenting when your kid is doing time for assault and burglary.