Some Nights, I’m Angry

“I would rather go with daddy.  He has more money.”

And with that every activity, every project, every game, every parental moment came crashing down in front of my eyes.  It didn’t matter that I spent quality time with him.  It didn’t matter how much manipulating of funds I had to do just to do the stuff we did that needed money.  It didn’t matter I was always there.  It just didn’t matter.  He was a child.  He only know money = fun; money = love.

And it f-ing hurt.

I’m not a bitter person.  I’m not an angry person.  I’ve been preparing for this bed a long time.  I knew this divorce was coming since I started this blog.  When the ex refused to go to anger management classes, it was only a matter of time.  I knew he would find love sooner than me.  (I just didn’t expect this much sooner. {Chill, paralegal; any idiot can do math, and this is a no fault state.})  I knew he would always have more money than I would.  I knew, I knew, he would act this way once he felt slighted.  I should never have been lulled by his promises of wanting our households to be equal, that he wanted things to be fair, that he never wanted the boys to prefer one house over the other, that he would make sure the boys and me would have the life he had always provided.  It sounded so nice.

I don’t want this blog to be a break-up blog.  But the divorce is swallowing my family like fog.

Tonight I’m pissed off because Tornado E would rather go to the Renaissance Fair with his father because his father will buy him things.  It doesn’t matter that I’m the one who has bought them swords, dragons, and fantasy books.  It doesn’t matter that I read them fantasy books and show them fantasy movies.  It doesn’t matter that I’m thrilled to go, that I can whisper to them the sword moves and dub them knights.  It doesn’t matter that it’s my thing.

Tonight I’m angry because the ex can take them to events like that.  That he can take them to resturants, to movie theaters, to museums, and to the zoo every week.  That he buys them toys.  That he takes his other family on vacations.  That his other family dresses in nicer clothes.  That he has season football tickets.  That he can go to restuaruants and bars.

Tonight I’m angry that I can’t take my kids to museums and to movie theaters without sacrifice.   That I can’t afford restuarants.  That I can’t take the boys on vacation.  That I can’t buy them nice clothes.  That I can’t give them allounce.  That I can only give them the lifestyle I had as a child, and that isn’t good enough.

Tonight I’m angry because I made some terrible mistakes.  The price I pay will be my children’s well being and my well being.

One Response to “Some Nights, I’m Angry”

  1. dearanonymousfriend Says:

    I am so sorry, I wish I could say something that would make it all better for you. Please know my heart breaks with you.

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