Dear Brain to Mouth Connection.
We need to talk.
We need to add a few things to those censors of yours, other than religion (because with your very liberal Catholic ways, you’ll offend someone) and politics (because with your very liberal and every once in a long while conservative thinking, you’re bound to offend someone).
I know. I know. You’re better than Mom’s, but that’s not saying much. It’s like the guy who teaches his kids racial jokes but tells himself he’s better than his dad because his dad was a card caring KKK member. So yeah, comparing yourself to Mom’s lack of censoring isn’t saying much. At. All.
Please don’t tell any one that you don’t need to clean for your in-laws because you have a “Program.” Sure, you’re house is cleaner, but you often forget to follow all the way through with the Program. Like when was the last time you dusted? Or even swept the bathroom floors? “Don’t ever speak ill of the Program! The Program is rock solid! The Program is sound!” But only when followed precisely. That goes for the Bill Program. So when you laugh and say you have a “Program,” you sound f-ing smug and forget to mention your house could fit into someone else’s house with room to add a basketball court. And no one likes a smug mama. Including me.
While we’re at it, what the hell were you thinking when you told another mom your family doesn’t qualify for the scholarship AFTER she was talking about her financial woes? Now you look like an @ss. The sick thing is that when you add in the bills you probably have less money to kick around than she does. AND she already thinks your rich. I don’t know what gave you away; the lack of haircuts on the boys, the Target maternity pants that you’re praying don’t get holes in them in the next two to three months, the fact you haven’t gotten a hair cut when you needed one three months ago. At least you tried to mend the burning bridge you just torched with adding, “but we have a lot of bills, a LOT of bills.” Yeah, I should have made you slap your forehead for that stupidity.
Remember how you were complaining to your BFF, who understands the stupid things you say, about not being able to close the deal on friendships? This is the stuff that’s probably f-ing you up. I’d make you read Dale Carnegie again, but that dude f-s you up too. What with the complete change of every technique you learned to start a conversation and make friends.
So let’s review:
No talking about religion.
No talking about politics.
No talking about having a clean house (Since you’ll eat those words when the baby comes any ways.)
No talking about money (Just listen and nod).
And maybe we can have a friend we can actually meet for coffee or something. You can Thank Me Later.
Thank Me Later Thursdays are brought you by parenting By dummies.
And is any one else getting worried that I have complete conversations in my head?
