Your Friendly Vaccine Side-effects Infomation Sheet

When my doctor (or technically the nurse) gives my child a vaccine, I get a full information sheet about the whys, the benefits, the reactions. I find that they leave out the most common side effects. I decided to compile them for further use for other mothers.

For the child:
• Crying (which will carry on for ten to twenty minutes with a brief pause and then carry on for another ten to twenty minutes. Depending on the age of the child this can go on for an hour or two.)
• Running (which will happen after the shot because the child has repressed the memories of the past vaccine.)
• Screaming (which is very close to quiet.)
• Demanding to go home (which is something for the older child)
• Hiding in the corner (which is adorable and pitiful at the same time)
• A need for hugs, kisses, words of comfort (which are easily given)
• Tantrums (over toys, food, naps, anything)
• More need of comfort (which is strained over the tantrums)
• Need for prizes, sugar, nap (which is negotiable)

For the parent:
• Tears (because the child is in pain, and later the child is a pain)
• Running (or a want to as the child is in pain and the memories of the pain and then the child is a pain.)
• Screaming (internal after the second tantrum)
• Needing to go home (to put the child down for a nap and then a need to go to a restaurant, bar, book store without the child)
• Hiding in the corner (instead of dealing with the next tantrum)
• A need for hugs, kisses, words of comfort (from the child or close understanding friend, except for the kisses)
• Tantrums (or the strong desire to throw them)
• More need for comfort (as the parent plans a fantasy trip far, far away)
• Need for prizes, sugar nap (which is negotiable)

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Birthing Rules

The Violinist, you’re getting close, so I thought I’d give you some interesting tips on the labor, the delivery, the hospital.

 

Rule #1 Make sure the car is gassed up from here on out.  This seems logical to you and I, but it doesn’t make any sense to many husbands.  My grandfather’s truck was on empty the night that his eldest child was born.  He hustled his wife into the truck, turned it on to see the gas gauge was on E.   He sped to the nearest gas station, where the attendant took his time.  My grandfather asked if they guy could hurry it up because his wife was in labor.  The attendant’s jaw dropped, pulled the nozzle out, and told my grandfather to go, go, go! 

 

Rule #2 Have everything you want to take in a bag next to the door.  Don’t forget shoes or a toothbrush.  It was only after Sean was born, bathed, fed, sleeping that I needed to go to the bathroom.  It was then that I realized I had run out of the house without shoes.  It was at this point I realized I didn’t brush my teeth or brought a toothbrush.  

 

Rule #3 It’s ok not to feel brave.  In my first labor, I stoically kept my verbal complaints to a moan.  The second, I screamed F*** so loud Evan started crying.  Due to my verbal complaints, I scared the first timers in the elevator, who allowed me out first.  Suckers.  I got the last single room.

 

Rule #4 Get the single room.  I know I have gone over this point a lot, but it’s so important.  Recovering from birth is hard, so it’s nice to have the peace of a single room.  Your husband can stay the night.  You can bring in a whole troop of family with pizza.  You won’t feel self conscious as you try to breastfeed because you’ll have to whip out the whole boob at first.

 

Rule #5 Use the nurses.  First timers are shy; they don’t want to impose.  I remember meekly asking the nurses office if I can have my son back from testing; while I was there, I watched a mom roll her baby in, tell the nurses she was taking a shower, and come back a half an hour all put together.  I learned my lesson with Sean.

 

Rule #6 It will be hard.  Labor is hard.  Birthing is hard.  Breastfeeding is hard.  But you can do it.

 

Rule #7 Enjoy it.  Your baby will sleep, and you can relax.  If you need help with the baby, the nurses will be happy to help.  If you need more diapers or pads, the nurses will go get them for you.  If you need help breastfeeding and latching, they’ll show you over and over and over.  (Or were Evan and I just slow learners?)  You won’t have to clean or cook.  In the end, you’ll get free stuff.

 

Suggestion #1 Try to remember to bring something for your nurses.  They are totally awesome, and you will fall in love with them. 

 

Suggestion #2 Remember within 24 hours you’ll forget all the pain and discomfort of labor.

 

So anyone else have anything to add?

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