Tornado S Declares Independence

Tornado S is going through a phase.  He’s asserting his independence, fighting for his freedom to say no when ever he wants to what ever he wants because his mommy is a horrible tyrant that makes him take baths, hold her hand in parking lots, makes dinners, and refuses to let him stay in his pajamas all day if it hasn’t been declared pajama day.  But those damn No’s are driving me nuts.

Tornado S, it’s bath time.  NO!

Tornado S, sit still I have to wash your hair.  NO!

Tornado S, we have to get you dressed.  NO!

Tornado S, do you want to pick out a shirt?  NO!
Tornado S, let’s put on your shoes. NO!

Tornado S, it’s time to go to the store.  NO!

Tornado S, we have to put on your jacket.  NO!

Tornado S, stay by Mommy in the store.  NO!

Tornado S, hold on to the cart.  NO!

Tornado S, don’t touch that.  NO!

Tornado S, hold my hand, please.  NO!

Tornado S, let’s change your diaper.  NO!

Tornado S, did you poop?  NO!

Tornado S, we have to go take Tornado E to school.  NO!

Tornado S, we have to go home.  NO!

Tornado S, we have to go get brother from school.  NO!

Tornado S, we have to go.  NO!

Tornado S, it’s dinner time.  NO!

Tornado S, pick up the toys you’re not playing with.  NO!

Tornado S, it’s bedtime.  NO!

Tornado S, it’s time to put on your pajamas.  NO!

Tornado S, do you want to pick out a story?  NO!

And sometimes his no means yes.

Do you want a muffin?  NO!

Do you want juice?  NO!

Do you want a cookie?  NO!

Sometimes he runs.  In another month or so, he’ll be faster than me.  Great.

Sometimes he stands his ground, shouting no with his hand out in a stop sign.  Like that will stop me.  Like the No stops me.  When will these kids learn that their mama is a tank?  She’s going, and they’re coming with her, no matter what.

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My Best Parenting Advice

I talk the big talk, but really most of my advice is a little weak.  So dear Violinist, you have a week, and I hope you’re more prepared then I was because I was so damn sure I was NOT having that kid today.  And the kid disagreed.  So I figured I sum up my best jewels in one post.

 

 

The Diaper Bag: Have two.  One that you take with you, and an emergency one with wipes, diapers, a blanket, and a change of clothes in the trunk.  You’ll be amazed how many times you’ll need it.  In the bag you carry, never forget zip lock bags, in case you can’t find a trash, and a small tube of diaper cream because it’ll saves asses, yours and hers.  If you do pacifiers, ALWAYS have two.  Always carry toys.

 

Toys: The best toy EVER is a set of measuring spoons.  They’re shiny; they’re loud; they’re cold to put into a teething mouth.  I learned this from my grandma.  They’re also super easy to clean.

 

Chores: In the next few months, you need to sleep when she sleeps.  Enjoy this because it won’t happen again.  Make sure your sweet husband pitches in.  Failing that, “dishes, your new home is now the dishwasher.”  Use the dishwasher like a new cabinet.  It helps.

 

Naps: When you decide not to sleep when she does, don’t turn off the phone or put off vacuuming.  The kid has got to learn to sleep through distractions, or you’re going to have a hard time with naps when she’s a toddler.

 

Colic: Most kids get some form of it.  It’s normal.  Both my boys had it due to gas.  If it’s gas, Mylocon drops and baby reverse crunches.  Every one told me to cut out things from my diet, broccoli, cucumbers, caffeine, chocolate.  When they got to chocolate, I freaked out and called the doctor, who said don’t change your diet because the baby has to learn to deal with those foods eventually.

 

Random Weirdness: Babies do weird things, like turn purple, shit ALL THE TIME, make choking sounds.  If you have a doubt, talk to your pediatrician before you become Dr. Mom.  This will keep you from freaking out and doing something stupid.

 

Stupid: You’re going to do something stupid.  You’re a first time mom, and she’ll survive.  You’re going to have this crazy irrational fear that won’t make any sense to any one but you.  My mom was worried someone was going to microwave me, and I, well, it still seems rational to me, so I don’t know.

 

Phases: Always remember “This too shall pass.”  This applies to those horrible nights of colic and teething because she won’t do it forever.  This applies to those cute sweet moments because she won’t do it forever.

 

 

Well, I think that covers all my advice, but then I’m aiming low and hope to get my boys out of diapers and out of juvy.  So, ladies, does anyone else have anything to add?

 

 

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