Sweating the Small Stuff

I may look like I roll with the punches and am cool as a cucumber, but I’m not.  Throw a few speed bumps in my way as I rush head down the path I’ve decided to take, and I will start to cuss a blue streak and murmur curses.  Or I least I did before kids.  Now it’s silent.  Like when I road rage.  Oh, I have horrible road rage.  I just have a hard time dealing with changes in MY plans.  It’s amazing I decided to have children, instead of something more cooperative like fish.

This adorable character trait is nothing new.  It has amused many people especially when crunch time comes and I’m as serene as a statuesque saint.  Halo and all.  Amazingly The Husband forgets this little quality of mine until it rears its ugly head, especially at him.

Which leads me to my Thank Me Later Thursday. 

Sure I could talk about The Husband, who decided to go back to bed as I tried to motivate and round up the troops for a day outing that I promised we would meet my parents and in-laws early.  I could thank him for parking behind me, for forgetting to get the plates on my car done in a timely matter, for not helping with any dressing, for forgetting to give someone a Christmas present and leaving it in the trunk of his car all this time.

But no, again, I direct this Thank Me Later to me.

Dear Fae,

Sure, you’re a planner, and you have to have things go a certain way or you freak out.  I need you to chill a bit on that.  Not that it isn’t cute the way you make up new curses and all, but you’re going to have an early heart attack.  When you sweat the small stuff, you end up doing something incredibly stupid.  Like texting your BFF, “I’m going to kill my husband today.  I bloody know it.”  That in and of itself isn’t stupid.  Not checking who you sent it to is.  Because the BFF didn’t get it.  The first person with a C name got it, and she’s the second person.  The first person was hardly amused by it.  In fact, I would say he really believed it, but he should have known as a cop’s daughter you would never have put plans like that in writing so that there was a premeditated plan.  No, The Husband was not amused, and you, my dear, looked like an @ss.  My advice is to shake off more little things, even when they’re piling on like bugs on a windshield, and to double check who you send sensitive text messages too.

You may Thank Me Later.

Love, Fae

Thank Me Later Thursdays are brought to you by parenting By dummies.

What? I hate tag!

Beth at The Confused Homemaker (which you should try out if you haven’t because she’s smart and funny and all) tagged me the other day.  Thanks, Beth.  Really, thanks.  I’ve been beating my head since trying to figure out seven things I haven’t said in my blog.  I’ve come up with two, so I figured I just throw myself off a cliff and see what I can figure out while I write.

1.  I fight coming out from under anesthesia.  I’ve been under twice, and when I come out, I want out.  I sit up; I throw the mask off; and woe to the medical assistants and nurses that try to restrain me.  I push, punch, shove.  I think that probably should be in my medical records.

2.  I can twist my tongue so it looks like a C.  It’s a natural gift, but when I had tongue surgery as a kid, I had to work on it to get it back.

 3.  I can’t whistle.  No matter how hard I try, I can’t.

 4.  Speaking of whistles, my parents have a certain tune they whistled to get us kids to come.  My parents didn’t want to shout out our names in public, so this is what they decided to do.  It worked like a charm, carrying across crowded, loud public places.  The problem is when I hear it now I still stop what I’m doing and listen before realizing I’m an adult and I’m not shopping with my parents.

 5.  I slept with my teddy bear in to high school, only stopping because he was getting really beat up.  I never would kiss him in fear that I might slobber on him, so I sniffed his fur instead.  I also dressed him in a dress, even though he was a boy.

6.  I missed graduating with honors by a thousandth of a point.  But I did convince them to announce that I was graduating with honors when I received my diploma, so my family could here it.  That’s all that matters, right?  That and why the hell couldn’t they round up?

 7.  I’ve stolen from Disneyland.  I’m not proud of it now, but back when I was in college and going to Disneyland every week, my best friend and I would go to New Orleans Square, go into the pirate store and steal a plastic jewel every time we went.  They were charging 7 bucks for a tiny little bag of them; we were robbing from the rich.  Apparently they’ll let you still up to $100 of stuff before stopping you, though it’s a rumor I never tested.

Now I have to tag seven other people who you should all read and they should all attempt this.

1. Ink (because she always seems to give me homework)

2. Jane (because I think she’ll do it)

3. Gibby (but I’m not sure she’ll do it)

4. Evenshine (who I think will do it)

5. Dumb Mom (because I dare her to do it)

6. Incognito Mom (because I think she should do it)

7. You (because some of you are hoping to be tagged and I just can’t read minds yet but I’m working on it)

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My Best Friend

I have the best friend ever

Because she’ll pick me up and drop me off the airport whenever.

Because she’ll totally bug me to buy plane tickets until I do.

Because she’ll let me crash at her place and then feel bad because it’s a mess (as though she hasn’t been messy from the moment I met her).

Because she feels bad her car is a mess when I arrive (as though she ever had a clean car all the time I’ve known her).

Because she’ll feel bad that she invited her friend I don’t know and expect me to be upset (which I wasn’t).

Because she’s always ready for a sushi dinner.

Because she’s crazy into Twilight and New Moon like me.

Because she understands my obsession with books.

Because she took it as her fault that I had digestive issues on my full day of vacation.

Because she felt horrible sending me on errands for her as she worked.

Because she insisted I nap, giving me her office key and the key to a private bathroom.

Because she was willing to watch New Moon twice.

Because she was totally cool going with a mutual friend and another girl she never met before.

Because she made me tea.

Because she felt horrible she missed my birthday months ago.

Because she took me out to breakfast.

Because she took me shopping at the bookstore.

Because she encouraged and insisted I get a planner so I can achieve my dream of being more organized.

Because when we arrived late at the airport and I nearly missed my plane, she wanted take full responsibility for it.

Because she’s totally cool with me crying, whining, ranting, complaining when I need to.

Because she knows me and will call me out on my sh*t.

Because she’s the coolest girl in the world.

My Best Parenting Advice

I talk the big talk, but really most of my advice is a little weak.  So dear Violinist, you have a week, and I hope you’re more prepared then I was because I was so damn sure I was NOT having that kid today.  And the kid disagreed.  So I figured I sum up my best jewels in one post.

 

 

The Diaper Bag: Have two.  One that you take with you, and an emergency one with wipes, diapers, a blanket, and a change of clothes in the trunk.  You’ll be amazed how many times you’ll need it.  In the bag you carry, never forget zip lock bags, in case you can’t find a trash, and a small tube of diaper cream because it’ll saves asses, yours and hers.  If you do pacifiers, ALWAYS have two.  Always carry toys.

 

Toys: The best toy EVER is a set of measuring spoons.  They’re shiny; they’re loud; they’re cold to put into a teething mouth.  I learned this from my grandma.  They’re also super easy to clean.

 

Chores: In the next few months, you need to sleep when she sleeps.  Enjoy this because it won’t happen again.  Make sure your sweet husband pitches in.  Failing that, “dishes, your new home is now the dishwasher.”  Use the dishwasher like a new cabinet.  It helps.

 

Naps: When you decide not to sleep when she does, don’t turn off the phone or put off vacuuming.  The kid has got to learn to sleep through distractions, or you’re going to have a hard time with naps when she’s a toddler.

 

Colic: Most kids get some form of it.  It’s normal.  Both my boys had it due to gas.  If it’s gas, Mylocon drops and baby reverse crunches.  Every one told me to cut out things from my diet, broccoli, cucumbers, caffeine, chocolate.  When they got to chocolate, I freaked out and called the doctor, who said don’t change your diet because the baby has to learn to deal with those foods eventually.

 

Random Weirdness: Babies do weird things, like turn purple, shit ALL THE TIME, make choking sounds.  If you have a doubt, talk to your pediatrician before you become Dr. Mom.  This will keep you from freaking out and doing something stupid.

 

Stupid: You’re going to do something stupid.  You’re a first time mom, and she’ll survive.  You’re going to have this crazy irrational fear that won’t make any sense to any one but you.  My mom was worried someone was going to microwave me, and I, well, it still seems rational to me, so I don’t know.

 

Phases: Always remember “This too shall pass.”  This applies to those horrible nights of colic and teething because she won’t do it forever.  This applies to those cute sweet moments because she won’t do it forever.

 

 

Well, I think that covers all my advice, but then I’m aiming low and hope to get my boys out of diapers and out of juvy.  So, ladies, does anyone else have anything to add?

 

 

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