The Final News

BFF: Hey!

Me: I have to tell you something.

BFF: (noisy restaurant in the back ground) What?

Me: I’m pregnant!

BFF: I knew it!  I knew it when you called.  I’m having breakfast with a friend, and I almost let it go to voice mail.  But then I thought I bet she’s pregnant.  Last month was a crazy fluke.  But this month she’s totally pregnant.

Me: Yup.  So you coming down for the birth?

BFF: You bet I am.  I get to be in the room this time, right?

Me: Sure.

BFF: So have you told The Husband?

Me: No, he’s still in California.  He won’t be back until Monday night.  I think I should totally do something with this. This we’ll be my last time.  I’m keeping the pregnancy test hidden, so that I can prank him in a year or two.

BFF: HA!  There’s hope for the marriage when you’re planning pranks down the road.

Me: Hey!  It can always work on a boyfriend.  Wanna borrow it?

BFF: (I can almost hear her roll her eyes) Whatever.  So what are you planning?

Me: That’s why I’m calling.

***

We discarded several plans.  I really wanted to do a meal of baby carrots, baby spinach, baby burgers, and baby cupcakes, but the BFF felt The Husband wouldn’t pick it up.  She’s probably right.  We thought of filling one of his dresser drawers with diapers, but then he keeps most of his clothes in a pile near his side of the bed.  We decided on my original plan, having Tornado S tell him.

Tuesday morning as The Husband slept, I wrote on one of Tornado S’s diapers.  “I’m going to be a big brother.”  I placed the diaper on Tornado S and waited.

An hour later, The Husband was playing with the boys, and I was getting us ready to move out and go grocery shopping.

Me: The Husband, can you change Tornado S’s diaper; while, I get Tornado E’s shoes on him.

I handed him the clean diaper.

The Husband: Sure, no problem.

I walked out of the room, peeking around the corner.  The Husband pulled off Tornado S’s shorts.  He pulled off the diaper.  He wiped Tornado S up.  He put on a new diaper on Tornado S.  He rolled up the old diaper and threw it away.  My jaw dropped.  Crap.

BFF: Hello?

Me: We need a plan B.

BFF: You’re whispering.

Me: I’m trying not to give myself away.  Here let me close the office door.  We need a plan B.

BFF: What?  He didn’t notice?

Me: Nope.  He changed the diaper and rolled up and threw it away.

BFF: (laughing) That’s great!

Me: What’s next?  A shirt?

BFF: No.  Do a sticker.  Then the shirt.  We’ll get bigger and bigger until he notices.

Me: What’s last? Dancing hippos with it written on them?

BFF: Perhaps.

Me: At least this will make a great post.

BFF: (laughing) It sure will!

I borrowed some giant nametag stickers from my mom under the pretense the boys would make stickers.  During naptime, I wrote “I’m going to be a big brother” on one of the nametags.  When the boys got up, I stuck on Tornado S as I gave them nametags and stamps.  I went to work on the t-shirt, just in case.

Ten minutes later, The Husband came out of the office to take a break.

The Husband: What are you doing, boys?

Tornado E: Making stickers.

The Husband’s eyes were glued to Tornado S’s chest.

The Husband: (Saying it quietly, almost under his breath) I’m going to be a big brother.  (pause)  (He looked at me; his eyes widening.)  You ARE?

Me: (nod) Yup.

The Husband crossed the kitchen and gave me a hug and kiss.

The Husband: That’s great!  Should we celebrate?

Me: We’re expected at my parents’ house tonight.

The Husband: Do they know?

Me: No.  I waited to tell you.

The Husband: I had no idea this all happened this morning.  I was pretty out of- Wait.  How long have you known?

Me: Since Saturday.

The Husband: And you didn’t tell me?  This is the way you told me?  That’s not nice.

Me: What?  I thought it was cute.

The Husband: Well, at least, I got to know first.  So how are we going to tell your parents?

Me: I made a shirt.  In case plan B fell.

The Husband: Plan B?

Me: Yup.  You didn’t notice it was written on the diaper.

The Husband: What?!

We went over to my parents’ house with the plan that after we went swimming, we would put Tornado S’s new shirt on him.  Only Tornado S didn’t want to go swimming.  So I forced the shirt off and placed the new one on.  Tornado S wiggled free and went out back to play with Papi, Daddy, and Tornado E.

When Tornado S finally came back in, I was helping with dinner.  My mom turned around and asked Tornado S to give her a hug.  Instead he hugged Grandma-Great, and then he yelled “MAMA!”  My mom swooped him up before he could finish his run towards me.

My Mom: Let me see your shirt!  ‘I’m going to be a big brother.’  Oh, Fae!  That’s wonderful!

With Tornado S still in her arms, she hugged me.

My dad: I was wondering why he had a shirt change.  He came out, and I thought, “Boy, what did you spill on yourself now.”  Congratulations, baby.

Me: Thanks, Dad.  No one say anything to anyone until I’ve got morning sickness.

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The Telling of Tornado S

I couldn’t believe it.  I just couldn’t believe it.  How could we have gotten pregnant this month?  We did it one time, and I was so sure it was after the ovulation.  It was- Crap, The Husband is going to be so upset.  If I’m pregnant now, then the baby will be due in- Oh, Tornado E won’t even be two yet.  Not even near potty trained.  Maybe he’ll be sleeping through the night by then.  Ha.

I walked down the stairs to find The Husband and Tornado E playing with blocks.

The Husband: Well?

Me: Yes.

The Husband jumped up and kissed me.

The Husband: Wait here!

He ran out of the room.  He came back with his hands behind his back.

The Husband: I had a feeling you were, so I got you this.

He pulled out a jewelry box.  Opening it, I found a necklace with a six sapphires circling a diamond, making the shape of a flower.  The Husband beamed.

The Husband: It’s real.  Not fake.

I rolled my eyes.  Like I cared.

Me: Thank you.  It’s just hard to imagine we’re pregnant already.

The Husband: You know me and my super sperm.

I rolled my eyes again.

The Husband: So when did it happen?

Me: At my parents’ house.

The Husband: (all smirk off his face) WHAT?!  Your mom is going to figure that out, and your dad is going to KILL me.

Me: We’re married, you know.

The Husband: If they figure it out, you have to tell them the truth.  You have to tell them it was all your idea.  I had nothing to do with it.

Me: You had a little to do with it.

The Husband: It was all your idea.

Me: Yes, it was.

The Husband: (handing me the phone) You should call your mom.

Me: Thank you.  Should I tell her it was all my idea.

The Husband: Not until she asks.

Me: Ha.

I dialed.

My Dad: Hello?

Me: Hi, Dad!  How are you?

My Dad: Pretty good.  How are you?

Me: I’m fine.

My Dad: Just fine?

Me: It’s been a rough morning.  Hey. Is Mom there?

My Dad: No, she’s out with a friend.

Me: WHAT? Again!

My Dad: What did you need, sweetheart?

Me: Nothin’.  I’m just pregnant again.

My Dad: So soon?

From the back ground, The Friendly Giant: What? Is she knocked up again?

Me: Tell him I prefer the term preggers.

My Dad: (aside) Your sister is a little annoyed with you.  So congratulations.

Me: You starting on the right foot this time, Dad?

My Dad: I don’t want your mom to yell at me again.

Me: Ha.

My Dad: So I’ll have her call you when she gets in.

Me: You don’t want to tell her?

My Dad: Good Lord, no.

Me: Ok, Dad.  I love you.

My Dad: I love you too.  Bye.

Me: Bye.

An hour later the phone rang.

Me: Hello?

My Mom: Your dad said you had to talk to me.  What’s wrong?

Me: Nothing.  I’m pregnant.

My Mom: That’s great!  That’s wonderful.  How did The Husband take it?

Me: He’s fine.  I’m sure by the end of the day every one will know.  He’s on the phone now.

My Mom: No waiting to tell this time?

Me: Nope.  Wild horses couldn’t keep that man’s mouth shut.  But I got to go Mom.  I got to get Tornado E fed and into bed.

My Mom: I’m so happy for you.  Call me later.  I love you.

Me: I love you too.  Bye, Mom.

My Mom: Bye.

Fifteen minutes later the phone rings.

Me: Hello?

The Friendly Giant: Hey, Fae.  Mom says I have to apologize to you.

Me: For what?

The Friendly Giant: I’m sorry for saying you were knocked up.  It’s not a nice term to call someone when they’re pregnant.

Me: Um, thanks?  I wasn’t offended.

The Friendly Giant: I know.  But Mom was.  I got to go.  Congrats, Fae.

Me: Thanks.  Bye.

The Friendly Giant: Bye.

***

Just so you know.  The call to the doctor’s that next Monday.

Front Office: Doctor’s Office.

Me: Hi.  I just got a positive on a pregnancy test so I need to schedule an appointment.

Front Office: No problem.  Name?

Me: Fae Mom.

Front Office: When was the first day of your last period?

Me: Um, Uh, I think it was date.  (Forgive me because I still can’t remember.)

Front Office: Fae, you always wait so long to call!

What? I have long cycles!

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Leaking Out the News the First Time.

When I first came out of the bathroom when I was pregnant with Tornado E, I kept my head bowed.  I dragged my feet.  I walked slowly into the family room, where The Husband watched TV, waiting for the news.  He jumped up and hugged me.

The Husband: I’m sorry, sweetheart.  We’ll try harder next time.

Me: We don’t have to.  I’m pregnant.

I smiled at him.  It took half a second to sink in.

The Husband: You’re pregnant!  That’s great.  (We hugged again.  We kissed.)  Call your mom.

I grabbed the phone and dialed.

My Dad: (sounding groggy) Hello?

Me: Dad?  Is Mom there?

My Dad: No, she’s out with her friends.

Me: Really?  She’s out on a Friday night.  After you had surgery yesterday?  How are you doing, Dad?

My Dad: I’m ok.  These pain pills work wonders.  Whacha need, Fae?

Me: Oh, nothing.  It’s just that I’m pregnant.

My Dad: (pause) Is this a good thing?

Me: Yes.

My Dad: Well, then I’m happy for you.

Me: Thanks, Dad.  Dad?

My Dad: Yes?

Me: Get some rest.  You sound like you need it.

My Dad: Ok.  I love you.

Me: I love you too.  Goodnight.

My Dad: Good night.

I hung up the phone and turned to The Husband.

The Husband: There was a lot less screaming than I imagined.

Me: My mom is out with The Council of Women.  She left my dad alone.  He’s still out of it from surgery.

The Husband: Huh.  Well, it’s still early.  You want to go see a movie?

Me: No, I have to open tomorrow.  Let’s just watch TV.

An hour later the phone rang.

Me: Hello?

My Mom: Your dad said you needed to tell me something.

Me: You left Dad alone after his surgery?

My Mom: It was Friend’s birthday!  We’ve been planning this for months.  Besides your father was just fine when left him.  He said it was fine if I went.

Me: Fine, Mom.  I’m just surprised.

My Mom: Is that what you wanted to tell me?  To scold me for leaving your father helpless?

Me: No.  I wanted to tell you I’m pregnant.

My Mom: You’re pregnant!  I knew it!  That’s wonderful, baby!  Congratulations!

Me: You, too, Grandma.

My Mom: I’m going to be a Grandma!

Me: Yes.  Mom?  It’s late.  I have to be at work at 6 tomorrow.

My Mom: Oh.  Right.  Well, call me tomorrow when you get off.

Me: Fine, Mom.  I love you

My Mom: I love you. Good night, dear.

Me: Good night.

***

The phone rang just as I peeled out of my work clothes.  Working for the benefits.  Working for the benefits.

Me: Hello?

My Dad: Your mother told me I have to apologize.

Me: For what?

My Dad: For not being enthusiastic enough last night.

Me: Oh.  Well, you did better than The Husband’s Dad.  His first words were “Oh no.”

My Dad: (Laughter) I’m happy for you, baby.  I really am.  If you’re happy, than I am.

Me: Well, as soon as I stop feeling to nauseas, I’ll be happier.

My Dad: Then I’ll be happier then too.

Me: Thanks, Dad.  Um, should I talk to Mom now so that you don’t get yelled out for hanging up before she talks to me?

My Dad: Yup.

***

That weekend I made The Husband promise not to tell anyone until we know for sure that we were pregnant.  He ended up telling J and his girlfriend D, who happened to work for a great OB/GYN.  She insisted I call on Monday to get an appointment, promising me that she would get me in.

Monday I called.

Front office: Hello?  Dr’s office.

Me: Um, hi.  I need to make an um appointment.

Front office:  Oh?  And what can I do for you?

Me: Uh, I think I’m uh pregnant.

Front Office: Ok.  Well, why don’t you find out for sure and call us back for an appointment?  Ok?

Me: Um, ok.  Thank you.

Click.

Hmmm.  That went less well than expected.

The phone rang.

Me: Hello?

D: Faemom.  (sigh) You’re pregnant if you have a positive on a pregnancy test.

Me: Oh?  They’re that accurate.

D: (sigh) Yes.  I’m transferring you back to the Front Office.  Tell them you got a positive on your pregnancy test.  They’ll take care of it all.

Me: Oh.

And as for that promise.  By the end of the week, everyone knew.  EVERYONE.  To this day, I’m sure The Husband put a billboard up on one of the major freeways in Orange County.  The best part was the hurt and nagging that came from friends who heard it from their husbands.  Thanks, The Husband.

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